"And before I knew it, by the end of freshman year of college, just a short time later, I was under 100 lbs."
Twenty five percent of college age girls suffer from an eating disorder. That’s one in four. If you’re a girl, on average at least one of your roommates will either excessively binge, purge, or starve themselves. Odds are they won’t even get the treatment they need (only one in eleven do). Eating disorders also have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder. 95% of everyone suffering from an eating disorder (more specifically anorexia and bulimia) regain the weight they had lost. 10-15% of those with an eating disorder are male.
But what makes it so difficult to talk about eating disorders? The media is credited with having made eating disorders more rampant, especially among younger ages (42% of 1-3rd graders want to be thinner), yet it is still not something people are willing to talk about. National Eating Disorder Awareness Week was February 22-28, and even then it was not popularized to spread the awareness it was created to do. Money isn’t donated for research to help those suffering from it, or given to medical funding for the various problems a person can have.
But what makes it so difficult to talk about eating disorders? The media is credited with having made eating disorders more rampant, especially among younger ages (42% of 1-3rd graders want to be thinner), yet it is still not something people are willing to talk about. National Eating Disorder Awareness Week was February 22-28, and even then it was not popularized to spread the awareness it was created to do. Money isn’t donated for research to help those suffering from it, or given to medical funding for the various problems a person can have.
OSA Telegraph: How old were you when you started feeling uncomfortable in your body?
Ms. Kuzmeski: Probably kindergarten. I had an older sister, she was four school grades older than me, so she would have been in fourth grade. That’s when she started calling me chubby and fat.
OT: What eating disorders did you have?
Ms. K: Throughout late elementary, middle school, and high school I was definitely overweight, and I suffered with an unhealthy relationship with food. But in the opposite way people see eating disorders. I looked at food differently then. It wasn’t nutrition it was emotional. And then senior year in high school, this is going to sound really bad, but the boy I had a crush on called me fat. And I was like, “well I’ll show you fat”, and so I started to, like “I’m going to be healthy”. I was sick of being teased. Especially by my sister. So I’m like, “I’m going to want to be thinner, and healthier”. So I started to eat healthy, and I lost some weight at the end of high school, it made me feel really good. But then I kept losing weight. And the more I lost, the more I liked it. Every time I lost more weight I would say “I know I can’t get lower, I know I can’t get lower”, and then something would happen and I would. And I’m like “okay! Now I have to keep this weight” and before I knew it, by the end of my freshman year of college, just a short time later, I was under 100 lbs.
Ms. Kuzmeski: Probably kindergarten. I had an older sister, she was four school grades older than me, so she would have been in fourth grade. That’s when she started calling me chubby and fat.
OT: What eating disorders did you have?
Ms. K: Throughout late elementary, middle school, and high school I was definitely overweight, and I suffered with an unhealthy relationship with food. But in the opposite way people see eating disorders. I looked at food differently then. It wasn’t nutrition it was emotional. And then senior year in high school, this is going to sound really bad, but the boy I had a crush on called me fat. And I was like, “well I’ll show you fat”, and so I started to, like “I’m going to be healthy”. I was sick of being teased. Especially by my sister. So I’m like, “I’m going to want to be thinner, and healthier”. So I started to eat healthy, and I lost some weight at the end of high school, it made me feel really good. But then I kept losing weight. And the more I lost, the more I liked it. Every time I lost more weight I would say “I know I can’t get lower, I know I can’t get lower”, and then something would happen and I would. And I’m like “okay! Now I have to keep this weight” and before I knew it, by the end of my freshman year of college, just a short time later, I was under 100 lbs.
OT: Did it originate with your sister?
Ms. K: Probably. I mean, other people would call me chubby, too. I was actually very active. I was in sports, I did tons of sports, and I did dancing a few times a week. And I always hated when it came time measuring for our costumes, because my numbers would be higher than the other girls. I would have to get larger costumes than the other girls. That always sucked. The daily harassment came from my sister. The other kids would only harass me when they wanted to be jerks.
Ms. K: Probably. I mean, other people would call me chubby, too. I was actually very active. I was in sports, I did tons of sports, and I did dancing a few times a week. And I always hated when it came time measuring for our costumes, because my numbers would be higher than the other girls. I would have to get larger costumes than the other girls. That always sucked. The daily harassment came from my sister. The other kids would only harass me when they wanted to be jerks.
OT: What were some things you did to maintain your disorder?
Ms. K: I didn’t eat. I just didn’t eat. This lasted for a good four years. Pretty much just all through college, and especially in the dorm. What I would do is I would go to the cafeteria, and I would have the exact same thing every day, and I know exactly what it was. It was a hamburger patty, a quarter pounder. No bread or anything, just the patty. A slice of cheese, three french fries, and whatever vegetable they had that day. And then I would have a coke. I lived off of coke. That’s where I got most of my calories, they actually came from coke. Maybe every once in a while if I had a class or something, and I couldn’t get to the cafeteria, I’d have a packet of easy mac before. Not the cups, they didn’t have the cups back then. So I counted it up so I would get under 1000 calories a day, I tried to aim for 800. I also was at the gym everyday for two to three hours. Between dance team, fencing, and everything. And you walked, because it’s a campus. So I would just obsess, and I would plan out what I ate, and I’d weigh myself a few times throughout the day, if I had breaks or whatnot. And I would just make sure I hadn’t gone up, and if I thought I’d gone up too much or whatever. If you just ate, you’d logically go up, and I’d be like “oh my gosh, I can’t eat, I can’t eat anything for another three days”. And I wouldn’t, I just flat out did not eat. You could hear my bones crack.
OT: What were ways you’d try to hide it?
Ms. K: I didn’t. I loved the attention. That sounded really bad, but I loved being the skinny girl. Going from the girl who had to get the bigger sized clothes to getting to shop and buying EXTRA small. I loved it. And when people came to me in concern, I would just say “you don’t know what you’re talking about”. I would just ignore them. I’m like “screw you”. I didn’t like that they came to me concerned. When they came to me I got mad, but I didn’t try to hide it. I just deflected it, like “oh, you don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re just stupid, you just want me to be fat again”. And I thought it was others trying to put me down.
Ms. K: I didn’t eat. I just didn’t eat. This lasted for a good four years. Pretty much just all through college, and especially in the dorm. What I would do is I would go to the cafeteria, and I would have the exact same thing every day, and I know exactly what it was. It was a hamburger patty, a quarter pounder. No bread or anything, just the patty. A slice of cheese, three french fries, and whatever vegetable they had that day. And then I would have a coke. I lived off of coke. That’s where I got most of my calories, they actually came from coke. Maybe every once in a while if I had a class or something, and I couldn’t get to the cafeteria, I’d have a packet of easy mac before. Not the cups, they didn’t have the cups back then. So I counted it up so I would get under 1000 calories a day, I tried to aim for 800. I also was at the gym everyday for two to three hours. Between dance team, fencing, and everything. And you walked, because it’s a campus. So I would just obsess, and I would plan out what I ate, and I’d weigh myself a few times throughout the day, if I had breaks or whatnot. And I would just make sure I hadn’t gone up, and if I thought I’d gone up too much or whatever. If you just ate, you’d logically go up, and I’d be like “oh my gosh, I can’t eat, I can’t eat anything for another three days”. And I wouldn’t, I just flat out did not eat. You could hear my bones crack.
OT: What were ways you’d try to hide it?
Ms. K: I didn’t. I loved the attention. That sounded really bad, but I loved being the skinny girl. Going from the girl who had to get the bigger sized clothes to getting to shop and buying EXTRA small. I loved it. And when people came to me in concern, I would just say “you don’t know what you’re talking about”. I would just ignore them. I’m like “screw you”. I didn’t like that they came to me concerned. When they came to me I got mad, but I didn’t try to hide it. I just deflected it, like “oh, you don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re just stupid, you just want me to be fat again”. And I thought it was others trying to put me down.
My mom actually sent me to a nutritionist, and I think that actually ruined it. I think that backfired on her because she told me stuff to eat, and so I’d only eat those things in very, very small amounts. So I was eating low calorie stuff because she was trying to teach me good eating habits, since I didn’t have one, I was overweight my whole life. I didn’t have any. And so she told me about these low calorie foods, and I’d eat these low calorie foods in incredibly small amounts. It totally backfired on my mom.
OT: How did people find out?
Ms. K: You could easily see it. And I didn’t want to get rid of my “fat girl” clothes, as I would call them, because I was always scared I would gain the weight back. Petrified I would. So I would wear these clothes that were four sizes too big for me. And I remember having to get this belt and just singe my jeans to myself and the fabric was overlapping. People thought I looked so silly, and I’m not getting rid of these clothes. When I look back at pictures I know exactly how much I weigh in them. If you looked at me you saw I was unhealthy.
OT: How did people find out?
Ms. K: You could easily see it. And I didn’t want to get rid of my “fat girl” clothes, as I would call them, because I was always scared I would gain the weight back. Petrified I would. So I would wear these clothes that were four sizes too big for me. And I remember having to get this belt and just singe my jeans to myself and the fabric was overlapping. People thought I looked so silly, and I’m not getting rid of these clothes. When I look back at pictures I know exactly how much I weigh in them. If you looked at me you saw I was unhealthy.
OT: What made you realize you had a problem?
Ms. K: People were telling me and I chose not to believe them, but eventually I busted up my knee. It happened senior year in college on the dance team. I had to have surgery on my knee, and I was on crutches for a while. I gained weight. Luckily, through the trauma of the surgery it was the first time I gave myself wiggle room. Because I’m like, “you can’t move, so how can you work out?” I gained about ten pounds, so I was about 110 lbs. I was like, “okay, I’m actually kind of at a healthy weight. Okay, this is okay”, and then that made me gain the weight. But I didn’t want to gain anymore. And I remember running afterwards chanting, “one-ten, one-ten, one-ten” to remind myself “don’t gain anymore. But then me and my friend were playing basketball and these kids came and they played with us, and one of them was very clearly autistic. People were just finding out what autism was and he was really cute, and we would play with him and take the ball. He would shoot, but he was way too small, so we would take the ball and put it in the basket for him, and he always thought he was making these baskets. Anyways, when we were done his grandmother came over, and she said “thank you for playing for playing with my grandson, I’m very thankful, people look at him funny or they don’t understand him, and it was so kind that you would take the time to play with him”. It meant nothing to me. And then his mother came over, and she was like, “you know who this lady is” to the grandmother, “she wore the orange shirt at the halftime show”. And she recognized me from being on the dance team at the football halftime. So I was like, “man, she knows me, and she’s telling this kid to kinda look up to me”. That made me start thinking, what if some of the people in the stands were looking up to me, like the little girls. And at the time I was training to be a teacher, but how can I be a good teacher and a good role model if I’m starving myself? What message would that send to my students who at this time in Missouri I was in classrooms and I was only 22, and my students were 16, 17, 18. Very close to my age. What kind of message would I be sending if I wasn’t eating healthy and I was obsessing over my weight. I didn’t want them to turn into me, where you weighed yourself multiple times a day and you were starving yourself, and you’re always hungry, and your bones are cracking. I did not want them to be me.
So I started to allow myself to gain a little weight, and a little more weight, and then I was finally at a healthy weight. And I was happy. I missed the old weight sometimes, but I was like, “okay, this is cool”. And then I went on a medication that made me gain tons and tons and tons of weight. And I hated it, it made me feel awful. And this was just in the last year. So finally I just said I can’t be on this medication anymore, it is too much. This past summer I decided I’m not 20 anymore, I’m not 18, I can’t just starve myself. That’s stupid. But I’m unhealthy again and I have to be healthy. So I went onto weight watchers, and I am slowly getting back being healthy again, and I’m losing some of that weight I put on. And it’s hard, right? Because you want to be unhealthy. I gained, you know when my mom died, and so that was a lot of stress. So during that time, I went back to my old high school habits, so I’m just gonna eat for whatever and I’m like, “nope, you’re right back to where you were in high school, and that’s not healthy”, so I’m trying to get back to a healthy weight. I’m almost there. Still a few pounds away, but I’m almost there.
It’s still difficult, and I know it will be for the rest of my life. I want other people to know they’re not alone when they feel these same thoughts. I’m fearful that I’ll become unhealthy again."
Ms. K: People were telling me and I chose not to believe them, but eventually I busted up my knee. It happened senior year in college on the dance team. I had to have surgery on my knee, and I was on crutches for a while. I gained weight. Luckily, through the trauma of the surgery it was the first time I gave myself wiggle room. Because I’m like, “you can’t move, so how can you work out?” I gained about ten pounds, so I was about 110 lbs. I was like, “okay, I’m actually kind of at a healthy weight. Okay, this is okay”, and then that made me gain the weight. But I didn’t want to gain anymore. And I remember running afterwards chanting, “one-ten, one-ten, one-ten” to remind myself “don’t gain anymore. But then me and my friend were playing basketball and these kids came and they played with us, and one of them was very clearly autistic. People were just finding out what autism was and he was really cute, and we would play with him and take the ball. He would shoot, but he was way too small, so we would take the ball and put it in the basket for him, and he always thought he was making these baskets. Anyways, when we were done his grandmother came over, and she said “thank you for playing for playing with my grandson, I’m very thankful, people look at him funny or they don’t understand him, and it was so kind that you would take the time to play with him”. It meant nothing to me. And then his mother came over, and she was like, “you know who this lady is” to the grandmother, “she wore the orange shirt at the halftime show”. And she recognized me from being on the dance team at the football halftime. So I was like, “man, she knows me, and she’s telling this kid to kinda look up to me”. That made me start thinking, what if some of the people in the stands were looking up to me, like the little girls. And at the time I was training to be a teacher, but how can I be a good teacher and a good role model if I’m starving myself? What message would that send to my students who at this time in Missouri I was in classrooms and I was only 22, and my students were 16, 17, 18. Very close to my age. What kind of message would I be sending if I wasn’t eating healthy and I was obsessing over my weight. I didn’t want them to turn into me, where you weighed yourself multiple times a day and you were starving yourself, and you’re always hungry, and your bones are cracking. I did not want them to be me.
So I started to allow myself to gain a little weight, and a little more weight, and then I was finally at a healthy weight. And I was happy. I missed the old weight sometimes, but I was like, “okay, this is cool”. And then I went on a medication that made me gain tons and tons and tons of weight. And I hated it, it made me feel awful. And this was just in the last year. So finally I just said I can’t be on this medication anymore, it is too much. This past summer I decided I’m not 20 anymore, I’m not 18, I can’t just starve myself. That’s stupid. But I’m unhealthy again and I have to be healthy. So I went onto weight watchers, and I am slowly getting back being healthy again, and I’m losing some of that weight I put on. And it’s hard, right? Because you want to be unhealthy. I gained, you know when my mom died, and so that was a lot of stress. So during that time, I went back to my old high school habits, so I’m just gonna eat for whatever and I’m like, “nope, you’re right back to where you were in high school, and that’s not healthy”, so I’m trying to get back to a healthy weight. I’m almost there. Still a few pounds away, but I’m almost there.
It’s still difficult, and I know it will be for the rest of my life. I want other people to know they’re not alone when they feel these same thoughts. I’m fearful that I’ll become unhealthy again."
