"Warning: This is a horoscope that is also a list of Florida man headlines. These headlines are 100% true; the horoscopes… eh, that depends on if they make sense, which they might not, not right away. but eventually, they will."--winter johnson, 6TH GRADE
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
Warning: This is a horoscope that is also a list of Florida man headlines. These headlines are 100% true; the horoscopes… eh, that depends on if they make sense, which they might not, not right away. but eventually, they will.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Police charge Florida man for eating pancakes in the middle of major road
Don't have pancakes for breakfast and don't eat breakfast on your way to work. If you do not work, don't leave your house.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Florida man arrested after falling asleep on sofa of home police say he burglarized
Don't be too careless, don't let them find you. Also make sure to get a good night's sleep before any major robberies. 😉
Gemini: May 21- June 21
Florida man bitten by alligator after mistaking it for a dog, authorities say
Today is a bad day to be a Gemini. Please don't be curious, and please don't ask why.
Cancer: June 22- July 22
Patriotic Florida Man Gets Arrested For Rocking The National Anthem Too Hard.
The authorities have nothing on you – rock that national anthem as hard as you can! All the police can do is arrest people, but you, you can wake up a whole city block at 1:00 a.m. with patriotism.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Florida man bites off friend's ear in fight over woman in wheelbarrow, police say
Hopefully, you don't own a wheelbarrow and have no friends, which is impossible for a Leo, so I guess you're screwed.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Florida man arrested after trying to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a hamster wheel
I know you are ambitious but don't be that ambitious. A hamster wheel? Really? At least you could try a fish bowl.
Libra: September 23 – October 23
“It was over a penny,” Florida man charged for throwing hot chocolate at a drive-through employee at McDonald's
See kids, this is one of the main reasons the U.S. was considering getting rid of pennies. Also, what a waste of hot chocolate.
Scorpio: October 24 – November 21
Florida man wrecks liquor store, blames it on caterpillar
Aww poor caterpillar. I hope he had a fair trial in court.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Florida man smothers nephew's meatball sandwich with eye drop solution because he, “hated him” that day.
That's what happens when you mess with a sagittarius.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Florida man who fell in lake dries himself off with fire hose
Ambitious like a capricorn, trying something new every day.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
‘Not my fault the truck don’t surf’: Florida man arrested after driving car into the ocean
At least it's better than a hamster wheel.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Florida Man Attacked By Neighborhood Squirrel Who Has Residents On High Alert
Saying “Neighborhood Squirrel” makes it sound like it lives there.
Warning: This is a horoscope that is also a list of Florida man headlines. These headlines are 100% true; the horoscopes… eh, that depends on if they make sense, which they might not, not right away. but eventually, they will.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Police charge Florida man for eating pancakes in the middle of major road
Don't have pancakes for breakfast and don't eat breakfast on your way to work. If you do not work, don't leave your house.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Florida man arrested after falling asleep on sofa of home police say he burglarized
Don't be too careless, don't let them find you. Also make sure to get a good night's sleep before any major robberies. 😉
Gemini: May 21- June 21
Florida man bitten by alligator after mistaking it for a dog, authorities say
Today is a bad day to be a Gemini. Please don't be curious, and please don't ask why.
Cancer: June 22- July 22
Patriotic Florida Man Gets Arrested For Rocking The National Anthem Too Hard.
The authorities have nothing on you – rock that national anthem as hard as you can! All the police can do is arrest people, but you, you can wake up a whole city block at 1:00 a.m. with patriotism.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Florida man bites off friend's ear in fight over woman in wheelbarrow, police say
Hopefully, you don't own a wheelbarrow and have no friends, which is impossible for a Leo, so I guess you're screwed.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Florida man arrested after trying to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a hamster wheel
I know you are ambitious but don't be that ambitious. A hamster wheel? Really? At least you could try a fish bowl.
Libra: September 23 – October 23
“It was over a penny,” Florida man charged for throwing hot chocolate at a drive-through employee at McDonald's
See kids, this is one of the main reasons the U.S. was considering getting rid of pennies. Also, what a waste of hot chocolate.
Scorpio: October 24 – November 21
Florida man wrecks liquor store, blames it on caterpillar
Aww poor caterpillar. I hope he had a fair trial in court.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Florida man smothers nephew's meatball sandwich with eye drop solution because he, “hated him” that day.
That's what happens when you mess with a sagittarius.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Florida man who fell in lake dries himself off with fire hose
Ambitious like a capricorn, trying something new every day.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
‘Not my fault the truck don’t surf’: Florida man arrested after driving car into the ocean
At least it's better than a hamster wheel.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Florida Man Attacked By Neighborhood Squirrel Who Has Residents On High Alert
Saying “Neighborhood Squirrel” makes it sound like it lives there.
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