"The following content addresses harmful topics, viewer discretion is advised: please take into consideration your own comfort levels before reading. We would also like to note that cannibalism is an act of homicide." -- Lilah Aparton , 6th grade & Maia Cavagnolo, 7th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
The following content addresses harmful topics, viewer discretion is advised: please take into consideration your own comfort levels before reading. We would also like to note that cannibalism is an act of homicide. While it's a rarely occurring crime, eating human flesh is considered a criminal act and is prosecuted under laws related to homicide, desecration of a corpse, or other similar crimes. Don’t try this at home, kids.
You may have heard of Arty, the seemingly harmless and innocent OSA mascot. But, in a recent interview for the Telegraph, Arty revealed his true colors. Disturbed, our researchers looked further into the matter and found that Arty’s bad side has been there from the dawn of time.
File #1: Transcribed Copy of an OSA Assembly — assembly on 10/21/23, transcribed 3/11/24
[NAME REDACTED]: …So we ask you to raise our voices for our special guest… ARTY!!!
Arty enters the stage running. Students cheer.
[NAME REDACTED]: Arty has been a part of OSA for at least twenty years, but for the past decade, he’s been sitting in a dusty closet someone forgot about doing who knows what!
Arty folds his arms like he’s proud.
[NAME REDACTED]: We think that reviving our beloved school mascot won’t only improve morale, but could help us with our new tutoring program! Give it up one more time for Arty before we talk about what bringing him back will do for the school.
Students cheer even louder. [NAME REDACTED] hands mic to [NAME REDACTED].
[NAME REDACTED]: Hey, OSA, how are we doing?
Cheers from the students.
[name redacted]: I said, HOW ARE WE DOING?!
Students cheer louder.
[NAME REDACTED]: Today we are here to talk about Arty, OSA’s new-ish school mascot who is also running a new tutoring program, and how the school has also hired him to be our new counselor! That’s right, everyone. Arty is our new school counselor as well. He does not have an office yet, so you can find him in the supply closet marked “out of order.” The tutoring program is held in room 319, and--
Arty whispers something into [NAME REDACTED]’s ear.
[NAME REDACTED]: Oh, and Arty would like students to know that he will only work with one student at a time for his tutoring program. Anyway, enough of me, let’s let Arty talk about this!
[NAME REDACTED] passes mic to Arty. Arty taps on it a bit to see if it works, then speaks into it.
Arty: Hey, children!
Students cheer loudly.
Arty: I am just beyond excited to be your mascot again.
Arty mumbles something that sounds like “Never hungry again.”
Arty: All these opportunities are thrilling! You’re going to LOVE having me as your chef!
Overview of Document: We’re not quite sure what he means by “You’re going to LOVE having me as your chef,” but it’s clear that Arty has been corrupted since he began his mascot career again.
File #2: Interview with Arty — recorded on 3/02/24
Interviewer: Hi there, Arty.
Arty: Hello.
Interviewer: Is it all right if I go ahead and ask you some questions for the school newspaper, The Telegraph?
Arty: Yeah, whatever you need.
Interviewer: I’m going to go ahead and start with a pretty big question: A lot of students find you very creepy and scary. One student even said “his eyes are soulless— like that of a demon” when we issued a school-wide survey. What is your outlook on this perspective? How does it make you feel?
Ary: Well, frankly, they should be scared of me. I’m not your average school mascot.
Interviewer: Okay, wow, um, well, yes. You, uh, are our school mascot. This kind of ties to our next question. What responsibilities come with the job? Is it a good gig?
Arty: It’s pretty nice, yeah. I have good insurance, and I’m practically always full. I mean, I take being the mascot very seriously. I think it’s a great way to… get to know the dinner— I mean the students.
Interviewer: Arty, did you just call these hard working students dinner?
Arty: Dinner? Who ever said that? I sure did–did, uh, not. Cannibalism is… a crime.
Interviewer: Oh… Okay. I’d like to push a little more on what you said earlier. “I’m not your average school mascot.” Can you tell us a little more about what you meant by that?
Arty: Well, for one, I am a real fox despite popular belief of me being a human dressed in a fursuit. I also like to get to know the school and students really well so that when it’s time for me to find prey I can— Well, I meant to say when a student needs help I can specifically cater to their needs.
Interviewer: Oh, yeah. That reminds me. You have an after-school tutoring program. I actually tried to get an interview with some of the kids who participated, but none of them had been seen since you helped them with their homework. Huh. Anyway, can you tell me about the program?
Arty: Only one kid is allowed at a time— I like my food alone when I… Uh, I mean. I like the students alone so I can help them one-on-one.
Interviewer: Moving on from that, How do you have enough time to tend to your needs, isn't it a 24 hour job?
Arty: Well not a lot of people know this but I actually live at the school, where else am I going to go grocery shopping? I actually cook the school lunches as well, don’t forget to buy my recipe book– I mean how-to book, How To Serve Children.
Interviewer: Recipe book? I didn’t know you were a cook.
Arty: I kind of have to be, because grocers don’t sell the kind of meat I eat.
Interviewer: Oh, really? Is it exotic or something?
Arty: Not really. The meat I eat is actually really common.
Overview of Document: We noticed how Arty talked about cannibalism, which is strange, because he also said that he was really a fox. And anyone can figure out what kind of meat Arty was talking about by reading between the lines. It’s even more suspicious that the interviewer disappeared only days after this recording. Thank you, Liam Amspoker, for all your help with these interviews. This article couldn’t have happened without your sacrifice.
File #3: Arty’s Notebook — diary found on 3/28/24
Entry 137
Little do they know what I’m capable of! It seems they enjoy the school lunches, they really have acquired a taste for blood. I think they’re beginning to wonder why OSA’s population is decreasing after the survey. Foolish homosapiens! They’ll never figure it out. [NAME REDACTED] was quite difficult to push through the meat grinder, his Adidas shoelaces kept catching onto the handle. But [Student Laborer 86] finally was able to push him through, Hey! Maybe the shoes will add that extra bit of flavor the students need in their spaghetti and meatballs. If only they knew how good that human steak was. [Student Laborer 23] would have absolutely loved it. Huh?! I wonder what that noise was… no one is supposed to be here at midnight.
Overview of Document:Ah, so now we know what Arty meant when he said “You’re going to LOVE having me as your chef” during his first assembly. It’s unclear how long he’s been enslaving OSA students, but we know for sure that the school lunches should not be eaten until further testing is done. It’s also unclear where Arty is writing these journal entries. Although the diary was found in the old supply closet marked as “out of order,” we determined that Arty hasn’t been there for over a year.
File #4: Transcription of Hidden Footage of Black Box — found on 3/28/24
[NAME REDACTED]: Hi guys, welcome back to another video. Be sure to like and subscribe!
A quiet scream is heard
[NAME REDACTED]: Today we are going to explore the Black Box theater at midnight!
[NAME REDACTED] runs toward the doors and pushes them open.
[NAME REDACTED]: Woooh. Look at that…
[NAME REDACTED] turns on flashlight. You can see a rusty meat grinder sitting in a pool of blood.
Arty: WHO DARES TO STEP FORTH INTO MY KITCHEN?
[NAME REDACTED]: Shoot…
Arty runs toward the camera with his mouth dripping flesh and blood.
[NAME REDACTED]: WAIT, STOP!!!
The camera slips from [NAME REDACTED]’s fingers and falls to the ground facing upwards
Arty: What a waste of potential… A delightful meal though, nom nom nom nom nom.
Arty picks up the camera and throws it against the wall, the video ends
Overview of Document:We are not certain if this video is real or a prank, but based on what else we know about Arty, we have determined it real. As this fully proves that Arty has participated in countless felonies, we hope to have him in jail by the end of this year. Although, administration will have to respond to our email first.
Overview of Article: Despite further research, we still have many questions. Though he said he was really a fox in the interview with Liam Amspoker, he would only be a cannibal if he were a human under that grotesque fur suit. If you have any evidence relating to Arty, it can be emailed to [email protected] or [email protected]
We’d like to end this article with a list of people and their addresses who have gone missing under the hand of Arty. If you could take the time to leave some flowers or other offerings on their porch, that would be greatly appreciated. Be sure to donate to Arty as well at https://donatelife.net/.
Liam Amspoker, 0931 Sunshine Blvd, Oakland
Maria Caddel, 433 Rainy St, Berkeley
Rahul Elrod, 8224 Cloud St, Oakland
Billie Thomas, 978 Sky Ave, Oakland
Sophy Gonzelas, 7781 Hail Ave, Oakland
Jazzlyn Lopez, 402 Gale St, Alameda
Emery Eswaren, 385 Stormy Drive, Oakland
Trevor Flynn, 3913 Frost Avenue, Oakland
You may have heard of Arty, the seemingly harmless and innocent OSA mascot. But, in a recent interview for the Telegraph, Arty revealed his true colors. Disturbed, our researchers looked further into the matter and found that Arty’s bad side has been there from the dawn of time.
File #1: Transcribed Copy of an OSA Assembly — assembly on 10/21/23, transcribed 3/11/24
[NAME REDACTED]: …So we ask you to raise our voices for our special guest… ARTY!!!
Arty enters the stage running. Students cheer.
[NAME REDACTED]: Arty has been a part of OSA for at least twenty years, but for the past decade, he’s been sitting in a dusty closet someone forgot about doing who knows what!
Arty folds his arms like he’s proud.
[NAME REDACTED]: We think that reviving our beloved school mascot won’t only improve morale, but could help us with our new tutoring program! Give it up one more time for Arty before we talk about what bringing him back will do for the school.
Students cheer even louder. [NAME REDACTED] hands mic to [NAME REDACTED].
[NAME REDACTED]: Hey, OSA, how are we doing?
Cheers from the students.
[name redacted]: I said, HOW ARE WE DOING?!
Students cheer louder.
[NAME REDACTED]: Today we are here to talk about Arty, OSA’s new-ish school mascot who is also running a new tutoring program, and how the school has also hired him to be our new counselor! That’s right, everyone. Arty is our new school counselor as well. He does not have an office yet, so you can find him in the supply closet marked “out of order.” The tutoring program is held in room 319, and--
Arty whispers something into [NAME REDACTED]’s ear.
[NAME REDACTED]: Oh, and Arty would like students to know that he will only work with one student at a time for his tutoring program. Anyway, enough of me, let’s let Arty talk about this!
[NAME REDACTED] passes mic to Arty. Arty taps on it a bit to see if it works, then speaks into it.
Arty: Hey, children!
Students cheer loudly.
Arty: I am just beyond excited to be your mascot again.
Arty mumbles something that sounds like “Never hungry again.”
Arty: All these opportunities are thrilling! You’re going to LOVE having me as your chef!
Overview of Document: We’re not quite sure what he means by “You’re going to LOVE having me as your chef,” but it’s clear that Arty has been corrupted since he began his mascot career again.
File #2: Interview with Arty — recorded on 3/02/24
Interviewer: Hi there, Arty.
Arty: Hello.
Interviewer: Is it all right if I go ahead and ask you some questions for the school newspaper, The Telegraph?
Arty: Yeah, whatever you need.
Interviewer: I’m going to go ahead and start with a pretty big question: A lot of students find you very creepy and scary. One student even said “his eyes are soulless— like that of a demon” when we issued a school-wide survey. What is your outlook on this perspective? How does it make you feel?
Ary: Well, frankly, they should be scared of me. I’m not your average school mascot.
Interviewer: Okay, wow, um, well, yes. You, uh, are our school mascot. This kind of ties to our next question. What responsibilities come with the job? Is it a good gig?
Arty: It’s pretty nice, yeah. I have good insurance, and I’m practically always full. I mean, I take being the mascot very seriously. I think it’s a great way to… get to know the dinner— I mean the students.
Interviewer: Arty, did you just call these hard working students dinner?
Arty: Dinner? Who ever said that? I sure did–did, uh, not. Cannibalism is… a crime.
Interviewer: Oh… Okay. I’d like to push a little more on what you said earlier. “I’m not your average school mascot.” Can you tell us a little more about what you meant by that?
Arty: Well, for one, I am a real fox despite popular belief of me being a human dressed in a fursuit. I also like to get to know the school and students really well so that when it’s time for me to find prey I can— Well, I meant to say when a student needs help I can specifically cater to their needs.
Interviewer: Oh, yeah. That reminds me. You have an after-school tutoring program. I actually tried to get an interview with some of the kids who participated, but none of them had been seen since you helped them with their homework. Huh. Anyway, can you tell me about the program?
Arty: Only one kid is allowed at a time— I like my food alone when I… Uh, I mean. I like the students alone so I can help them one-on-one.
Interviewer: Moving on from that, How do you have enough time to tend to your needs, isn't it a 24 hour job?
Arty: Well not a lot of people know this but I actually live at the school, where else am I going to go grocery shopping? I actually cook the school lunches as well, don’t forget to buy my recipe book– I mean how-to book, How To Serve Children.
Interviewer: Recipe book? I didn’t know you were a cook.
Arty: I kind of have to be, because grocers don’t sell the kind of meat I eat.
Interviewer: Oh, really? Is it exotic or something?
Arty: Not really. The meat I eat is actually really common.
Overview of Document: We noticed how Arty talked about cannibalism, which is strange, because he also said that he was really a fox. And anyone can figure out what kind of meat Arty was talking about by reading between the lines. It’s even more suspicious that the interviewer disappeared only days after this recording. Thank you, Liam Amspoker, for all your help with these interviews. This article couldn’t have happened without your sacrifice.
File #3: Arty’s Notebook — diary found on 3/28/24
Entry 137
Little do they know what I’m capable of! It seems they enjoy the school lunches, they really have acquired a taste for blood. I think they’re beginning to wonder why OSA’s population is decreasing after the survey. Foolish homosapiens! They’ll never figure it out. [NAME REDACTED] was quite difficult to push through the meat grinder, his Adidas shoelaces kept catching onto the handle. But [Student Laborer 86] finally was able to push him through, Hey! Maybe the shoes will add that extra bit of flavor the students need in their spaghetti and meatballs. If only they knew how good that human steak was. [Student Laborer 23] would have absolutely loved it. Huh?! I wonder what that noise was… no one is supposed to be here at midnight.
Overview of Document:Ah, so now we know what Arty meant when he said “You’re going to LOVE having me as your chef” during his first assembly. It’s unclear how long he’s been enslaving OSA students, but we know for sure that the school lunches should not be eaten until further testing is done. It’s also unclear where Arty is writing these journal entries. Although the diary was found in the old supply closet marked as “out of order,” we determined that Arty hasn’t been there for over a year.
File #4: Transcription of Hidden Footage of Black Box — found on 3/28/24
[NAME REDACTED]: Hi guys, welcome back to another video. Be sure to like and subscribe!
A quiet scream is heard
[NAME REDACTED]: Today we are going to explore the Black Box theater at midnight!
[NAME REDACTED] runs toward the doors and pushes them open.
[NAME REDACTED]: Woooh. Look at that…
[NAME REDACTED] turns on flashlight. You can see a rusty meat grinder sitting in a pool of blood.
Arty: WHO DARES TO STEP FORTH INTO MY KITCHEN?
[NAME REDACTED]: Shoot…
Arty runs toward the camera with his mouth dripping flesh and blood.
[NAME REDACTED]: WAIT, STOP!!!
The camera slips from [NAME REDACTED]’s fingers and falls to the ground facing upwards
Arty: What a waste of potential… A delightful meal though, nom nom nom nom nom.
Arty picks up the camera and throws it against the wall, the video ends
Overview of Document:We are not certain if this video is real or a prank, but based on what else we know about Arty, we have determined it real. As this fully proves that Arty has participated in countless felonies, we hope to have him in jail by the end of this year. Although, administration will have to respond to our email first.
Overview of Article: Despite further research, we still have many questions. Though he said he was really a fox in the interview with Liam Amspoker, he would only be a cannibal if he were a human under that grotesque fur suit. If you have any evidence relating to Arty, it can be emailed to [email protected] or [email protected]
We’d like to end this article with a list of people and their addresses who have gone missing under the hand of Arty. If you could take the time to leave some flowers or other offerings on their porch, that would be greatly appreciated. Be sure to donate to Arty as well at https://donatelife.net/.
Liam Amspoker, 0931 Sunshine Blvd, Oakland
Maria Caddel, 433 Rainy St, Berkeley
Rahul Elrod, 8224 Cloud St, Oakland
Billie Thomas, 978 Sky Ave, Oakland
Sophy Gonzelas, 7781 Hail Ave, Oakland
Jazzlyn Lopez, 402 Gale St, Alameda
Emery Eswaren, 385 Stormy Drive, Oakland
Trevor Flynn, 3913 Frost Avenue, Oakland
