"The program itself is simple—you fill out a sheet with questions ranging from your interests to your favorite type of cheese. Then, they will take the filled out sheet and put it into the system that will match you up with your forever soulmate."
--Bee ahlers, 10th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
After singles were upset because they didn’t have a date at Prom, OSA decided to create The Soulmate Finder, a program designed to match you up with another student at OSA.
The result has been chaos.
The program itself is simple—you fill out a sheet with questions ranging from your interests to your favorite type of cheese. Then, they will take the filled out sheet and put it into the system that will match you up with your forever soulmate.
But there has been some backlash from people, such as one rumored OSA sophomore who was caught filling out the form even though he’s already in a committed relationship. Harold Snufflebottoms, an eleventh grader at OSA, says, “I don’t know if this was such a good idea, a lot of people are getting upset with their matches. Apparently someone got paired up with their best friend, which created a lot of drama.”
Teachers are being affected by this too, making it harder for them to maintain a safe classroom environment. Many students have ended friendships over The Soulmate Finder’s results, with middle school English teacher Ms. Buttox saying, “I don’t want to have to keep changing the darn seating chart because of this thing! Five matched up couples have already broken up and they refuse to talk or sit near each other!”
However, the responses aren’t all about broken relationships and betrayal. This doesn’t just have to be about romance – it can be about making new friends too, like this ninth grader Marianne Moodle, who said: “This program has actually helped me a lot, I never thought I would be able to make friends because I’m too shy, UwU. But *looks down at dirty Converse, embarrassed* I’ve actually made a good friend who likes me! I barely had to do any work!”
Overall, many think this system has caused more breaking up than making up, leaving OSA regretting their decision of creating The Soulmate Finder. But on the bright side, most of these couples will be back together before their next arts block.
After singles were upset because they didn’t have a date at Prom, OSA decided to create The Soulmate Finder, a program designed to match you up with another student at OSA.
The result has been chaos.
The program itself is simple—you fill out a sheet with questions ranging from your interests to your favorite type of cheese. Then, they will take the filled out sheet and put it into the system that will match you up with your forever soulmate.
But there has been some backlash from people, such as one rumored OSA sophomore who was caught filling out the form even though he’s already in a committed relationship. Harold Snufflebottoms, an eleventh grader at OSA, says, “I don’t know if this was such a good idea, a lot of people are getting upset with their matches. Apparently someone got paired up with their best friend, which created a lot of drama.”
Teachers are being affected by this too, making it harder for them to maintain a safe classroom environment. Many students have ended friendships over The Soulmate Finder’s results, with middle school English teacher Ms. Buttox saying, “I don’t want to have to keep changing the darn seating chart because of this thing! Five matched up couples have already broken up and they refuse to talk or sit near each other!”
However, the responses aren’t all about broken relationships and betrayal. This doesn’t just have to be about romance – it can be about making new friends too, like this ninth grader Marianne Moodle, who said: “This program has actually helped me a lot, I never thought I would be able to make friends because I’m too shy, UwU. But *looks down at dirty Converse, embarrassed* I’ve actually made a good friend who likes me! I barely had to do any work!”
Overall, many think this system has caused more breaking up than making up, leaving OSA regretting their decision of creating The Soulmate Finder. But on the bright side, most of these couples will be back together before their next arts block.
