The OSA Telegraph
  • Home
    • About
    • Staff
  • Art+Music
  • Columns
    • Sports
    • Internet Sparkles
    • Poetry Horoscopes
    • History Repeats Itself
    • Food + Culture
    • Drama Qu33n
  • Current Events
  • Lifestyle
  • Bay Area
  • OSA
  • Op Ed
  • Science + Tech
  • Q+A
  • Comics
  • Podcasts
  • Contact
  • Home
    • About
    • Staff
  • Art+Music
  • Columns
    • Sports
    • Internet Sparkles
    • Poetry Horoscopes
    • History Repeats Itself
    • Food + Culture
    • Drama Qu33n
  • Current Events
  • Lifestyle
  • Bay Area
  • OSA
  • Op Ed
  • Science + Tech
  • Q+A
  • Comics
  • Podcasts
  • Contact
  The OSA Telegraph

OSA

Oakland's hottest new restaurant: a jambalaya spot in the gender neutral bathroom

5/12/2023

4 Comments

 
Picture
"The trendiest new food pop-up in the Bay Area is in an unconventional location - the Oakland School for the Arts second floor gender neutral bathroom." -- Viv Mansbach, 9th grade 
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.  
​ 
According to junior Al Dente, a Visual Artist, the bathroom has always been a social gathering place.
  
“When classes get boring, you see lots of people hole up in there to gossip and do makeup and make Tiktoks, y’know?” he said, massaging his earlobe. “But in terms of good eats, the pickins were slim.”


For high schoolers at OSA, the days are 8 hours, from 8:30 to 4:30 p.m., with only a 45 minute lunch break. Teacher’s food policies vary, but many opt out of allowing students to eat in class. This, in conjunction with the very short passing periods make it difficult for OSA students both to get the food they need, and find the time to use the restroom. The students were growing restless; it was time to do something about it. 

In March of 2023, when the beginnings of an idea first began to circle his mind, Senior Fashion Design student Gordon Zola knew that the business he would start would have to cover a lot of bases. It would have to be cheap, and the menu would have to be something that lots of people would love. It’d also have to be discreet, and of course, sanitary. The young visionary’s first step was to reach out to his contemporaries for cofounders; his first thought was the freshman Lit Arts student Mai Luhve. Luhve is known not only as a proficient poet, but also as a chef and marketing expert.

“When Gordon first approached me, I was like, ‘ew.’ Jambalaya in the bathroom? Weird. But once I saw for myself the need for a reliable and delicious food source here at OSA, I thought, ‘all right, I can work with this.” She began by installing a hot plate and stockpot in the first stall, which nobody noticed. She then began to brainstorm ideas to mask the smell and came up with a scent bomb which draws inspiration from the perfumes that pervade the bathroom.

“I mean, the kid’s a genius,” Zola said of Luhve. “I mean, she had a whole vision. All I wanted was not to go hungry all day.”


And thus, the Gender Neutral Jambalaya Joint (GNJJ) was born. “All night that week, all I did was cook,” says Luhve. “Jambalaya appealed to us because it’s so hearty; my version features a tomato based broth, shrimp, sausage and crawfish. A small portion keeps you going for a long time.”

“The funniest thing,” says Al Dente, “Is that nobody even noticed that the GNJJ existed until now. It was such an under-the-radar operation, it was kind of thrilling.” When pressed on their serving slots, Luhve and Zola are elusive. “None of us or our twelve employees are ever late to class.”, Zola said, smirking. “It’s perfect.” 

One cup of Jambalaya is $3.50, while a bowl is $5.00. The business is one of the most affordable ways to get a bite in Downtown Oakland. 

The only problem? “We are closed for lunch…” Luhve admits with a sigh. “It’s an issue that we’re working on, but the GNJJ was never supposed to be a lunch place. We’re here strictly to serve the student body during school hours.”
    

​
4 Comments
Adam Mansbach
5/18/2023 02:43:45 pm

LOLOLOLOLOLOL THIS IS GENIUS

Reply
Charlie
5/19/2023 09:07:57 am

bahaha incredible

Reply
Mr. Bob
5/25/2023 11:38:38 pm

Ah, this really brings back some memories. I remember when the Gender Neutral JJ was on the third floor. My colleagues and I used to pop in for a quick sample before they opened, and gossip about how students would have to find somewhere else to vape or make their hickory dickory dock TikToks.

Reply
Nella Fitzgerald
6/7/2023 10:41:27 am

Brilliant and hilarious. I'm a new fan!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from wuestenigel, edenpictures