"Do you want to be a straight ally…
But don’t really know how best to go about it? Do you wish you had a queer person’s advice on how to support them—but don’t know how to ask? I surveyed 40 queer people around OSA and asked them ways you can be a better ally to the community, then used the five most helpful points to expand on them and create tips on how to be a good ally to the LGBTQ+ community."
-- Orion songster, 9th grade
1: Educate Yourself
The first way to be a good straight ally is to educate yourself on the topic. 35% of the people who took my survey responded with this, making it the most popular response. One survey response told me that they “Hate having to constantly explain every aspect of [their] identities to people.” You can access Google with a single tap of your finger on a screen. It's always a good idea to use that privilege to learn more. After all, Google doesn’t have feelings. Learn queer history, terminology, culture. Use this information to respect us and our identities the best you can. You can get information from places like the LGBTQIA+ Wiki, or find other informational sites.
2: Don’t Pass Boundaries
The second way you can be a better straight ally to the queer community is to not ask personal questions or pass boundaries. Although only 9% of people responded with this, it’s a really important point. When it comes to questions, simple ones are fine, and for some people, a fun welcome. But there is a fine line between a helpful appropriate question and an invasive one. As one respondent says, although questions are “Often said with no ill intention, it can be really upsetting.” A good question could be something like ‘What does non-binary mean?’ The answer, by the way, is non-binary is a gender that is not male or female. However, a question no one wants to hear is ‘What were you born as?’ It can be very insensitive and rude to transgender and non-binary people, completely invalidating and disregarding their identities. But how do you know if your question is too personal? Take the safe choice and don’t ask.
3: Don’t Assume
Quite possibly one of the most important points on this list is to not assume someone’s identity. Ever. This could include their gender, pronouns, or even their sexuality. 25% of people wrote this as a point to include. This may be one of the hardest points, though, because society has engraved harmful norms into our brains, such as the gender binary and heteronormativity. Some great ways to get better at pushing away those norms is to practice, like you might on an upcoming English test. If you don’t know someone’s pronouns, you can always ask. It’s not weird unless you make it weird. And until you ask, think and talk about them using they/them pronouns and gender neutral language. It doesn’t hurt to be safe. This also goes for assuming sexualities–although when it comes to that, it’s usually better not to ask. Let them tell you, since they will do that when they are comfortable.
4: Don’t Out Queer People
Another important point is to NEVER, under any circumstances, out someone. If you know that someone is queer, they probably told you because they trust you. So don’t betray their trust and tell others. This isn’t thought about as much as the others but still incredibly important. Some states have laws that would require teachers to tell parents if they have a suspicion that a student is LGBTQ+. This could put many people, even straight cisgender people, in danger. As one response said, “a lot of queer people are at risk of being kicked out/disowned for being queer, and things could go really really badly if word got out to [their] families.” You don’t want to put someone in that kind of situation. Coming out is a very challenging choice for many queer people, and you don’t want to make them regret it.
5: Speak Out
The final point on this list is to support queer people and speak out when someone is not supporting them. 9% of people responded with this, and it’s quite the important thing to do. You may say you’re an ally after reading this, but to be the best ally you can, you have to step up and do things for queer people. This could even include correcting someone when the wrong pronouns are used, or challenging a homophobic comment. But if you would like to, you can do more than that. Go to an event, support LGBTQ+ foundations. You can support the queer community by doing any of the things listed before, and it will always be welcome. However, make sure not to overstep your actions. The point of being a straight ally is to use your privilege to support queer people, not make your voice the only one. If you want to support the community, make sure you are actually doing it, not just saying that you support LGBTQ+ rights.
Honorable Mentions
There were some very important points which didn’t make it onto the list, but they should definitely still be included.
The first way to be a good straight ally is to educate yourself on the topic. 35% of the people who took my survey responded with this, making it the most popular response. One survey response told me that they “Hate having to constantly explain every aspect of [their] identities to people.” You can access Google with a single tap of your finger on a screen. It's always a good idea to use that privilege to learn more. After all, Google doesn’t have feelings. Learn queer history, terminology, culture. Use this information to respect us and our identities the best you can. You can get information from places like the LGBTQIA+ Wiki, or find other informational sites.
2: Don’t Pass Boundaries
The second way you can be a better straight ally to the queer community is to not ask personal questions or pass boundaries. Although only 9% of people responded with this, it’s a really important point. When it comes to questions, simple ones are fine, and for some people, a fun welcome. But there is a fine line between a helpful appropriate question and an invasive one. As one respondent says, although questions are “Often said with no ill intention, it can be really upsetting.” A good question could be something like ‘What does non-binary mean?’ The answer, by the way, is non-binary is a gender that is not male or female. However, a question no one wants to hear is ‘What were you born as?’ It can be very insensitive and rude to transgender and non-binary people, completely invalidating and disregarding their identities. But how do you know if your question is too personal? Take the safe choice and don’t ask.
3: Don’t Assume
Quite possibly one of the most important points on this list is to not assume someone’s identity. Ever. This could include their gender, pronouns, or even their sexuality. 25% of people wrote this as a point to include. This may be one of the hardest points, though, because society has engraved harmful norms into our brains, such as the gender binary and heteronormativity. Some great ways to get better at pushing away those norms is to practice, like you might on an upcoming English test. If you don’t know someone’s pronouns, you can always ask. It’s not weird unless you make it weird. And until you ask, think and talk about them using they/them pronouns and gender neutral language. It doesn’t hurt to be safe. This also goes for assuming sexualities–although when it comes to that, it’s usually better not to ask. Let them tell you, since they will do that when they are comfortable.
4: Don’t Out Queer People
Another important point is to NEVER, under any circumstances, out someone. If you know that someone is queer, they probably told you because they trust you. So don’t betray their trust and tell others. This isn’t thought about as much as the others but still incredibly important. Some states have laws that would require teachers to tell parents if they have a suspicion that a student is LGBTQ+. This could put many people, even straight cisgender people, in danger. As one response said, “a lot of queer people are at risk of being kicked out/disowned for being queer, and things could go really really badly if word got out to [their] families.” You don’t want to put someone in that kind of situation. Coming out is a very challenging choice for many queer people, and you don’t want to make them regret it.
5: Speak Out
The final point on this list is to support queer people and speak out when someone is not supporting them. 9% of people responded with this, and it’s quite the important thing to do. You may say you’re an ally after reading this, but to be the best ally you can, you have to step up and do things for queer people. This could even include correcting someone when the wrong pronouns are used, or challenging a homophobic comment. But if you would like to, you can do more than that. Go to an event, support LGBTQ+ foundations. You can support the queer community by doing any of the things listed before, and it will always be welcome. However, make sure not to overstep your actions. The point of being a straight ally is to use your privilege to support queer people, not make your voice the only one. If you want to support the community, make sure you are actually doing it, not just saying that you support LGBTQ+ rights.
Honorable Mentions
There were some very important points which didn’t make it onto the list, but they should definitely still be included.
- When you are first learning, you will make a lot of mistakes, and if you apologize too much, it gets really annoying. A simple apology will work, and as this response puts, “Not over apologizing, a sorry and promise to try to be better, is fine.”
- Another important thing is to not invade queer people’s spaces. My friend Viv wrote an article about that. Their article is called “Who Belongs In LGBTQ Spaces?” If you are curious, you can check that out.
- In addition to those, don’t give in to stereotypes. Not every gay man has a “gay voice”. Not every transgender person wants to medically transition. As always, learn about these stereotypes and how they can be harmful.
- Try not to get uncomfortable when LGBTQ+ topics come up. If there is a queer event in the news, your queer friend is probably going to talk about it. By showing uncomfort or annoyance, you may be minimizing their problems.
