On May 5th at around 2:10 PM, the water fountains and sinks began to run light purple. [...] By 2:40, every child was asleep. -- Declan McMahon, 10th Grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
Recently, the entire student body of Oakland School for the Arts fell dead asleep. The culprit? NyQuill’s™ ZzzQuill™.
On May 5th at around 2:10 PM, the water fountains and sinks began to run light purple. At around 2:30 PM, a lavender colored and “mixed berry” scented gas, according to an anonymous student, began to pump through the vents. By 2:40, every child was asleep.
“It was pure bliss! No more droning, no more packets, no more CERs, no more response questions! And the teachers can't do anything about it now, because everyone was asleep,” said Pat E. Mellte, a junior at OSA.
The staff and teachers do not seem to have experienced the bout of sleepiness; the CDC’s current working theory is that the dosage of NyQuill™ was not high enough to affect adults.
Not only that, but teachers did not stop teaching. In fact, they didn’t even notice anyone was asleep, with some even holding steadfast until now that the entire incident was alleged.
Executive director Mike Oz had this to say about the sleepy episode: “We’ve heard rumors that students were sleeping, we’ve yet to confirm that this was the case, and we can’t speak to whether or not no one had noticed.”
Oz add ed that “what we heard is that some teachers were also asleep,” which the Shallot could not confirm with its reporting.
The suspected culprit is the anonymous admin of the notorious Instagram account @osa_sleeps, dedicated to posting pictures of, as their bio says “OSA kids caught lacking.” After being inactive for the last several months, the account has started posting every day again, and many students are identifying their own photos as containing the outfits they wore on the day of the NyQuill™ incident.
According to an 11th grade student that wished to remain anonymous, junior English teacher Nam Le offered little sympathy for the incident: “No extensions for anything I assigned or taught that period. It’s yall’s fault y’all decided to succumb to the supposed NyQuill™ gas.”
According to the same student source, Le put air quotes around “NyQuill™ gas.”
*This article is not sponsored by NyQuill™
**The Shallot may earn commissions from affiliate links included in this article
Recently, the entire student body of Oakland School for the Arts fell dead asleep. The culprit? NyQuill’s™ ZzzQuill™.
On May 5th at around 2:10 PM, the water fountains and sinks began to run light purple. At around 2:30 PM, a lavender colored and “mixed berry” scented gas, according to an anonymous student, began to pump through the vents. By 2:40, every child was asleep.
“It was pure bliss! No more droning, no more packets, no more CERs, no more response questions! And the teachers can't do anything about it now, because everyone was asleep,” said Pat E. Mellte, a junior at OSA.
The staff and teachers do not seem to have experienced the bout of sleepiness; the CDC’s current working theory is that the dosage of NyQuill™ was not high enough to affect adults.
Not only that, but teachers did not stop teaching. In fact, they didn’t even notice anyone was asleep, with some even holding steadfast until now that the entire incident was alleged.
Executive director Mike Oz had this to say about the sleepy episode: “We’ve heard rumors that students were sleeping, we’ve yet to confirm that this was the case, and we can’t speak to whether or not no one had noticed.”
Oz add ed that “what we heard is that some teachers were also asleep,” which the Shallot could not confirm with its reporting.
The suspected culprit is the anonymous admin of the notorious Instagram account @osa_sleeps, dedicated to posting pictures of, as their bio says “OSA kids caught lacking.” After being inactive for the last several months, the account has started posting every day again, and many students are identifying their own photos as containing the outfits they wore on the day of the NyQuill™ incident.
According to an 11th grade student that wished to remain anonymous, junior English teacher Nam Le offered little sympathy for the incident: “No extensions for anything I assigned or taught that period. It’s yall’s fault y’all decided to succumb to the supposed NyQuill™ gas.”
According to the same student source, Le put air quotes around “NyQuill™ gas.”
*This article is not sponsored by NyQuill™
**The Shallot may earn commissions from affiliate links included in this article
