"In the spirit of the yearly bracket season, We have ranked icky things for March Badness, concluding which ultimately harmless ick is the most icky. we finally broke the tournament down into four categories, and brainstormed entrants for each: Food And Smells, Celebs and Sounds, Things And Feelings, and Sensations And Moments. Below, you’ll find the FIRST two rounds of our heated debate." --The Telegraph Staff
Round 1 – The Sucky Sixteen
Moist Bread vs A Car Alarm That Won’t Stop Going Off
Ava Rukavina: The seemingly never ending sound of a clanging car alarm going off from a nearby street corner is certainly a nuisance, and it will certainly ricochet underneath the surface of your skull for the next hour – not to mention the PTSD you’ll receive when yet another automobile inevitably starts wailing before you can even get the first cursed melody out of your head. And yet it is nothing compared to the vile sensation of sinking your teeth into the bread of a sandwich that has been tainted with moisture. With just a drop of water, the pure, the innocent, the nostalgic carb-packed-loaf is corrupted into a sticky, sad, sallow dough. Winner: Moist Bread
Booty Sweat vs Public Bathrooms
Elias Dickey: Everybody hates a moist crack. The question is, do public bathrooms take the cake for the least comfortable? Imagine this: Sticky floor, graffiti-covered mirror, dwindling TP supply, and golden droplet-covered toilet seat. While public bathrooms are nasty, the feeling of standing up on a hot day, your southside soaked, is something you’d never wish upon your worst enemy. Winner: Booty Sweat
Misreading A Wave Meant For Someone Else vs Glue Stuck To Your Fingers
Declan McMahon: Glue on the fingers is the worst problem a 6 year old has ever faced. It’s the end of the world for a kindergartener. But let’s be honest, any rational person over the age of 8 can just go wash their hands. Problem solved! Misreading a wave, however… that’s an entirely different story. You’re going to be awake for years thinking about this. Will the other party forget? Sure. But your mind will never let you let go of that moment when your eyes locked, you waved back, and they just stared at you, confused, before going to talk to someone behind you. Winner: Misreading A Wave Meant For Someone Else
Hailey Bieber vs Yogurt Skittles
Triece Kushner: Imagine being dragged by the whole internet and people still not having a clue who you are other than the fact that you're married to a washed up pop artist still hung up on their ex-girlfriend. Aside from the whole Selena and the world vs. Hailey thing, the failed nepotism baby’s modeling career is just as failed as the idea of yogurt on Skittles. Winner: Hailey Bieber
The Smell of Your Crocs After Wearing Them All Week vs James Corden
Triece Kushner: James Corden looks like Crocs after you wear them all week. The only thing differentiating the two is one can be a source of genuine nice restaurants, and the other is James Corden. Winner: James Corden
A Clogged Up Ear vs Getting Caught Cyberstalking Your Crush
Declan McMahon: You can’t hear. Your head hurts. It hurts to swallow. But are you having to contend with your crush texting you “why did you just like my first post wtf?” No. Always remember that it could be much, much worse. Winner: Getting Caught Cyberstalking Your Crush
Your Thighs Sticking to a Chair vs Stepping in Doggy Doo
Bee Ahlers: You’re sitting down with your legs crossed when you notice the smell. Flipping over your five year old converse too dirty to be classified as the color “white” anymore, you find dog poop melted into the indents of the sole. You didn’t think to check when you stepped on something squishy this morning. But on this hot, sweaty day, you also feel that burning sensation you get when you mistakenly wear sweatpants in 80 degree weather. Then, you realize what’s going to happen: your damp thighs will be ripped off of the dark blue school chairs, and your pants will be stained with sweat. You come to the conclusion that the dog poop on your shoe is nothing compared to what you feel now: Hot, sticky thighs that have ruined your new sweatpants. Winner: Your Thighs Sticking To A Chair
The Sound of a Fork Scraping on a Plate vs Being Trapped in Closed Space With An Overly Perfumed Person
Bee Ahlers: What is that sound? A bird? A plane? No. It’s a fork scraping on the plate at your relatives birthday party. You close your eyes and cover your ears, waiting for the sound to go away. Now, as you leave the party, you board the elevator and get trapped with your Great Aunt Stacy and her drug-store perfume. You feel the tickle in your nose and it’s getting hard to breathe, so you step to the side. The elevator gives a little jump, making Stacy slide closer to you. The confined space and the too-sweet smell of her perfume is too much to handle. You press the lobby button frantically, needing the fresh air that you took for granted when outside five minutes ago, when a fork scraping on a plate was the worst thing still imaginable. Winner: Being Trapped in Closed Space With An Overly Perfumed Person
Moist Bread vs A Car Alarm That Won’t Stop Going Off
Ava Rukavina: The seemingly never ending sound of a clanging car alarm going off from a nearby street corner is certainly a nuisance, and it will certainly ricochet underneath the surface of your skull for the next hour – not to mention the PTSD you’ll receive when yet another automobile inevitably starts wailing before you can even get the first cursed melody out of your head. And yet it is nothing compared to the vile sensation of sinking your teeth into the bread of a sandwich that has been tainted with moisture. With just a drop of water, the pure, the innocent, the nostalgic carb-packed-loaf is corrupted into a sticky, sad, sallow dough. Winner: Moist Bread
Booty Sweat vs Public Bathrooms
Elias Dickey: Everybody hates a moist crack. The question is, do public bathrooms take the cake for the least comfortable? Imagine this: Sticky floor, graffiti-covered mirror, dwindling TP supply, and golden droplet-covered toilet seat. While public bathrooms are nasty, the feeling of standing up on a hot day, your southside soaked, is something you’d never wish upon your worst enemy. Winner: Booty Sweat
Misreading A Wave Meant For Someone Else vs Glue Stuck To Your Fingers
Declan McMahon: Glue on the fingers is the worst problem a 6 year old has ever faced. It’s the end of the world for a kindergartener. But let’s be honest, any rational person over the age of 8 can just go wash their hands. Problem solved! Misreading a wave, however… that’s an entirely different story. You’re going to be awake for years thinking about this. Will the other party forget? Sure. But your mind will never let you let go of that moment when your eyes locked, you waved back, and they just stared at you, confused, before going to talk to someone behind you. Winner: Misreading A Wave Meant For Someone Else
Hailey Bieber vs Yogurt Skittles
Triece Kushner: Imagine being dragged by the whole internet and people still not having a clue who you are other than the fact that you're married to a washed up pop artist still hung up on their ex-girlfriend. Aside from the whole Selena and the world vs. Hailey thing, the failed nepotism baby’s modeling career is just as failed as the idea of yogurt on Skittles. Winner: Hailey Bieber
The Smell of Your Crocs After Wearing Them All Week vs James Corden
Triece Kushner: James Corden looks like Crocs after you wear them all week. The only thing differentiating the two is one can be a source of genuine nice restaurants, and the other is James Corden. Winner: James Corden
A Clogged Up Ear vs Getting Caught Cyberstalking Your Crush
Declan McMahon: You can’t hear. Your head hurts. It hurts to swallow. But are you having to contend with your crush texting you “why did you just like my first post wtf?” No. Always remember that it could be much, much worse. Winner: Getting Caught Cyberstalking Your Crush
Your Thighs Sticking to a Chair vs Stepping in Doggy Doo
Bee Ahlers: You’re sitting down with your legs crossed when you notice the smell. Flipping over your five year old converse too dirty to be classified as the color “white” anymore, you find dog poop melted into the indents of the sole. You didn’t think to check when you stepped on something squishy this morning. But on this hot, sweaty day, you also feel that burning sensation you get when you mistakenly wear sweatpants in 80 degree weather. Then, you realize what’s going to happen: your damp thighs will be ripped off of the dark blue school chairs, and your pants will be stained with sweat. You come to the conclusion that the dog poop on your shoe is nothing compared to what you feel now: Hot, sticky thighs that have ruined your new sweatpants. Winner: Your Thighs Sticking To A Chair
The Sound of a Fork Scraping on a Plate vs Being Trapped in Closed Space With An Overly Perfumed Person
Bee Ahlers: What is that sound? A bird? A plane? No. It’s a fork scraping on the plate at your relatives birthday party. You close your eyes and cover your ears, waiting for the sound to go away. Now, as you leave the party, you board the elevator and get trapped with your Great Aunt Stacy and her drug-store perfume. You feel the tickle in your nose and it’s getting hard to breathe, so you step to the side. The elevator gives a little jump, making Stacy slide closer to you. The confined space and the too-sweet smell of her perfume is too much to handle. You press the lobby button frantically, needing the fresh air that you took for granted when outside five minutes ago, when a fork scraping on a plate was the worst thing still imaginable. Winner: Being Trapped in Closed Space With An Overly Perfumed Person
Round 2: The Excremental Eight
Moist Bread vs Booty Sweat
Bee Ahlers: You’re craving bread more than ever right now. It’s calling to you when you walk into the kitchen. You grab a plate and place the last slice of bread on it, only to find that the plate wasn’t dry, and the dishwasher had failed you. Your tears add onto the moist mess of what was supposed to be your afternoon snack. But you remind yourself that there are worse things that have happened to you like when you were at your crushes house for dinner and found that your butt was soaked in your own sweat when you stood up. So you take a deep breath and find another snack, a smile planted on your face because you know that your butt is completely dry now. Winner: Booty Sweat
Misreading A Wave Meant For Someone Else vs Hailey Bieber
Ava Rukavina: It’s not often that I leap to defend the attention-seeking, drama-rehashing, poor-romantic-decision-making-because-why-on-Earth-would-you-marry-Justin-Bieber, washed up celebrity known as Hailey Bieber, but this is a special circumstance. One of the few things that’s actually worse than any piece of petty Hollywood internet drama, is that treacherous pit in your stomach that forms when you wave at someone who you thought was waving at you– and oh no – they were totally waving at someone else. The sheer panic and shame that floods your mind in that moment is simply unmatched. Winner: Misreading A Wave Meant For Someone Else
James Corden vs Getting Caught Cyberstalking Your Crush
Vivien Mansbach: Being subjected to James Corden’s obviously staged, mind-numbing skits, or even worse, his bland, unexpressive, famous-for-being-famous acting, is nothing compared to the wave of panic and embarrassment when caught getting a little too deep in the internet history of a former or yet to be flame. The mortification of having your inner passions revealed is a feeling far worse than any foul British celebrity. Winner: Getting Caught Cyberstalking Your Crush
Your Thighs Sticking To A Chair vs Being Trapped in Closed Space With An Overly Perfumed Person
Vivien Mansbach: I can appreciate the agony of being hit with a waft of those poorly chosen, over processed, synthetic perfumes – those with such nauseating names as Hot Buttered Rum, Guilt Trip, Cannabis Enlightenment, Eleventh Hour, or Bull’s Blood, and the subsequent questioning of your entire existence. However, on those hot summer days when all you want is to submerge yourself in icy water, your shorts are riding up, and you yearn for the simple days of temperate weather, and take a seat on that blazing plastic chair, the initial heat of the surface shocking, when feel your thighs expand uncomfortably, you sigh, reevaluate your situation, and resign yourself to life on this very chair. That or call the Fire Department to un - suction you off. Winner: Your Thighs Sticking To A Chair
Check out our tournament winner in Part 2!
Moist Bread vs Booty Sweat
Bee Ahlers: You’re craving bread more than ever right now. It’s calling to you when you walk into the kitchen. You grab a plate and place the last slice of bread on it, only to find that the plate wasn’t dry, and the dishwasher had failed you. Your tears add onto the moist mess of what was supposed to be your afternoon snack. But you remind yourself that there are worse things that have happened to you like when you were at your crushes house for dinner and found that your butt was soaked in your own sweat when you stood up. So you take a deep breath and find another snack, a smile planted on your face because you know that your butt is completely dry now. Winner: Booty Sweat
Misreading A Wave Meant For Someone Else vs Hailey Bieber
Ava Rukavina: It’s not often that I leap to defend the attention-seeking, drama-rehashing, poor-romantic-decision-making-because-why-on-Earth-would-you-marry-Justin-Bieber, washed up celebrity known as Hailey Bieber, but this is a special circumstance. One of the few things that’s actually worse than any piece of petty Hollywood internet drama, is that treacherous pit in your stomach that forms when you wave at someone who you thought was waving at you– and oh no – they were totally waving at someone else. The sheer panic and shame that floods your mind in that moment is simply unmatched. Winner: Misreading A Wave Meant For Someone Else
James Corden vs Getting Caught Cyberstalking Your Crush
Vivien Mansbach: Being subjected to James Corden’s obviously staged, mind-numbing skits, or even worse, his bland, unexpressive, famous-for-being-famous acting, is nothing compared to the wave of panic and embarrassment when caught getting a little too deep in the internet history of a former or yet to be flame. The mortification of having your inner passions revealed is a feeling far worse than any foul British celebrity. Winner: Getting Caught Cyberstalking Your Crush
Your Thighs Sticking To A Chair vs Being Trapped in Closed Space With An Overly Perfumed Person
Vivien Mansbach: I can appreciate the agony of being hit with a waft of those poorly chosen, over processed, synthetic perfumes – those with such nauseating names as Hot Buttered Rum, Guilt Trip, Cannabis Enlightenment, Eleventh Hour, or Bull’s Blood, and the subsequent questioning of your entire existence. However, on those hot summer days when all you want is to submerge yourself in icy water, your shorts are riding up, and you yearn for the simple days of temperate weather, and take a seat on that blazing plastic chair, the initial heat of the surface shocking, when feel your thighs expand uncomfortably, you sigh, reevaluate your situation, and resign yourself to life on this very chair. That or call the Fire Department to un - suction you off. Winner: Your Thighs Sticking To A Chair
Check out our tournament winner in Part 2!
