"And we’re here to help! In this guide you’ll find all the basic materials you’ll need for the apocalypse, and how to survive once it starts" -- Drax Richardson,
8th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
With the zombie apocalypse drawing nearer, you're gonna need a guide to make it through the end of the world. And we’re here to help! In this guide you’ll find all the basic materials you’ll need for the apocalypse, and how to survive once it starts. This guide was curated by actual scientists and survival guides to make sure you stay safe.
With the zombie apocalypse drawing nearer, you're gonna need a guide to make it through the end of the world. And we’re here to help! In this guide you’ll find all the basic materials you’ll need for the apocalypse, and how to survive once it starts. This guide was curated by actual scientists and survival guides to make sure you stay safe.
Medical supplies
In the apocalypse it’s important to have medical supplies, but we suggest to only carry a small amount. You don't want to risk slowing yourself down. But some type of medicine is probably important. Also band-aids. You never know what you’ll need. I mean you’ll probably be fine, we at the shallot believe you’ll be a-okay! You’ll be able to find medical supplies on the way, by visiting old stores. Maybe grab bandages? You could grab a bottle of vodka or something to clean wounds. Shouldn't hurt that bad either.
Weapons
You're gonna wanna bring good, strong weapons to fight off zombies. Things like AK-47s, MAC-10s, some good knives. While some of them might be loud, that's fine. We’re pretty sure zombies don't have that good of hearing anyway.
water
Only bring a couple water bottles, and not too big. You want to avoid weighing yourself down as much as possible. Even in a decaying world, you’ll still be able to find plenty of water! We promise!
city or wilderness?
While the wilderness might be safer from zombies, you want to stay in the city for supplies. Carrying too much stuff will weigh you down. Remember: the lighter the bag, the better. You want to be able to move around quickly, ya know?
loud or quiet?
Loud noises are good. You want to make lots of noise to scare off the zombies. Shout, shoot your guns, bang things together, blast music (if you can). You’ll scare anything off!
food
On being food prepared, you don't need to prepare a whole lot. Just uhhhh I dunno, pack what you have when it happens. Fruits and veggies are good, right? During the apocalypse though fruits might not be available so hunt some animals ig? Better learn how to hunt beforehand though so you can be prepared for everything.
people
Well you’d think you’d want to stick in a big group, the whole safety in numbers stuff right? We advise otherwise. It’s best to stick on your own. I think that’s what works out in horror movies. No need to worry about other people!
Capturing Zombies
We suggest trying to capture a zombie to experiment on. You could probably figure out a cure. If you're lucky lol. But if you are, you’ll become a hero to the world! That sounds great right! You’re probably plenty strong enough to fight zombies and get a cure out of them!
fighting
Go fight some people! It’s fun, get your skills up! Life is just like a video game. You’d probably be fine if you fought the leader of a group who looks like all he eats is straight protein and works out seven days a week! Totally!
And there's your guide to the apocalypse! This should keep you pretty safe, ya know. If you're lucky. Anyway bye, and have fun in the zombie apocalypse!