"As marginally horrible mid-upper-class people, we all love IKEA." -- Alex Stullman, 7th Grade
As marginally horrible mid-upper-class people, we all love IKEA. Though strange, inedible substances have been found in the meatballs, the employees all have a criminal record, and the pick up area is claustrophobic, we all still shop there for one great reason: it’s awesome! Who doesn’t love random soft serve machines when you’re already carrying an obscene amount of shopping bags? Or amazing frozen crepes your kid will ruin the toaster oven with? All in all, IKEA is an international treasure, and this is largely due to its mock-households. You know what I’m talking about - those little fake rooms displaying the furniture? Absolutely fabulous!
However, as enchanting IKEA can be, it’s always huge — a maze of hard-to-build dressers and bunk beds. With everything in this store constantly demanding your attention, it’s easy to lose things, from body parts to full-on identities. Here are my personal favorite things that people have lost at IKEA, and other strange happenings.
#5: Shoes
7/10 humans on Earth who have gone to IKEA have lost their shoes there at least one time. Ruby Deetz, (She/her) said one time, when she was at IKEA, a stranger just ran past her and took her shoe. Many Italian nonnas visiting IKEA and napping on the model furniture have woken up to find that their shoes are missing, according to the New York Times.
Nancy Pho, a renowned scientist, thinks this shoe-stealing may be the work of pixies, whose intention is to overtake the world and take control of all IKEAS and humans. Though this theory seems far-fetched, Deetz also reported, “Once, I thought I saw one of the lamps on the warehouse shelves, like, talking to another lamp.” Could this be the work of pixies?
#4: Lemons
When most American citizens go to shop at IKEA, they often bring lemons with them. Recent studies suggest that these lemons actually drive away the shoe-stealing pixies and dark spirits inhabiting the aisles of IKEA. However many lemons customers bring, and in whatever form, (lemonade, zest, etc.) they are always gone by the time the customer leaves. There is no explanation for this right now, as pixies cannot touch lemons in any form. It’s just another one of those cute IKEA quirks.
#3: Sriracha Sauce
4/10 Americans carry Sriracha sauce with them at all times, in case food needs spice. Grace Madgeburg, an American mother, can confirm this. However, whenever these people bring their hot sauce to IKEA, it disappears at some point. Before anyone blames it on the pixies, though, this is not their work. It has come to light that IKEA has an assortment of hot sauces, not just sriracha, for sale as a sort of underground network. Underground reporters found this network was run by the one and only popstar, Harry Styles, and the majority of customers were other celebrities, such as Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, and Michelle Obama. The real question is: not why they are doing this, but how? And is this illegal? It’s unclear.
#2: Body Parts
Ruby Deetz also mentioned, “I was playing around in the model bedrooms, and I snapped my nail off on one of the pillows.” These “stiff” model pillows could be a real safety hazard - so why does IKEA continue to use them? The easy answer- it’s cheap! Other safety risks in IKEA left unattended have been: large metal shrapnel that has been known to cause bloody impalements, and the stacking containers that have been known to fall on people. Us customers can’t say we didn’t see it coming, though. After a little research, I found the exact pillow Deetz mentions, and the official name is “TORTYRANODNING,” which literally translates to “torture device.”
#1: Gender
9/10 transgender/non-binary people in the world have admitted the reason they are transgender is that they lost their gender at IKEA. As a trangender guy, I can confirm this theory. One day, I was in IKEA, and I was a girl, and then when we left, I realized I was a boy. It was truly a magical day.
IKEA is great. It’s also extremely dangerous and vast. But that doesn’t take away from its greatness, it just adds to its charm! Don’t let this article get in the way of you enjoying IKEA as you always did before — just let it open your eyes and put up your guard. And remember: have fun at IKEA, but be cautious.
However, as enchanting IKEA can be, it’s always huge — a maze of hard-to-build dressers and bunk beds. With everything in this store constantly demanding your attention, it’s easy to lose things, from body parts to full-on identities. Here are my personal favorite things that people have lost at IKEA, and other strange happenings.
#5: Shoes
7/10 humans on Earth who have gone to IKEA have lost their shoes there at least one time. Ruby Deetz, (She/her) said one time, when she was at IKEA, a stranger just ran past her and took her shoe. Many Italian nonnas visiting IKEA and napping on the model furniture have woken up to find that their shoes are missing, according to the New York Times.
Nancy Pho, a renowned scientist, thinks this shoe-stealing may be the work of pixies, whose intention is to overtake the world and take control of all IKEAS and humans. Though this theory seems far-fetched, Deetz also reported, “Once, I thought I saw one of the lamps on the warehouse shelves, like, talking to another lamp.” Could this be the work of pixies?
#4: Lemons
When most American citizens go to shop at IKEA, they often bring lemons with them. Recent studies suggest that these lemons actually drive away the shoe-stealing pixies and dark spirits inhabiting the aisles of IKEA. However many lemons customers bring, and in whatever form, (lemonade, zest, etc.) they are always gone by the time the customer leaves. There is no explanation for this right now, as pixies cannot touch lemons in any form. It’s just another one of those cute IKEA quirks.
#3: Sriracha Sauce
4/10 Americans carry Sriracha sauce with them at all times, in case food needs spice. Grace Madgeburg, an American mother, can confirm this. However, whenever these people bring their hot sauce to IKEA, it disappears at some point. Before anyone blames it on the pixies, though, this is not their work. It has come to light that IKEA has an assortment of hot sauces, not just sriracha, for sale as a sort of underground network. Underground reporters found this network was run by the one and only popstar, Harry Styles, and the majority of customers were other celebrities, such as Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, and Michelle Obama. The real question is: not why they are doing this, but how? And is this illegal? It’s unclear.
#2: Body Parts
Ruby Deetz also mentioned, “I was playing around in the model bedrooms, and I snapped my nail off on one of the pillows.” These “stiff” model pillows could be a real safety hazard - so why does IKEA continue to use them? The easy answer- it’s cheap! Other safety risks in IKEA left unattended have been: large metal shrapnel that has been known to cause bloody impalements, and the stacking containers that have been known to fall on people. Us customers can’t say we didn’t see it coming, though. After a little research, I found the exact pillow Deetz mentions, and the official name is “TORTYRANODNING,” which literally translates to “torture device.”
#1: Gender
9/10 transgender/non-binary people in the world have admitted the reason they are transgender is that they lost their gender at IKEA. As a trangender guy, I can confirm this theory. One day, I was in IKEA, and I was a girl, and then when we left, I realized I was a boy. It was truly a magical day.
IKEA is great. It’s also extremely dangerous and vast. But that doesn’t take away from its greatness, it just adds to its charm! Don’t let this article get in the way of you enjoying IKEA as you always did before — just let it open your eyes and put up your guard. And remember: have fun at IKEA, but be cautious.