"Despite few people actually knowing what differentiates them from a comma, period, colon or dash; recent studies have shown that semicolons can help you lead a longer and more fulfilling life." -- Isaiah Kahn, 7th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
Despite few people actually knowing what differentiates them from a comma, period, colon or dash; recent studies have shown that semicolons can help you lead a longer and more fulfilling life. Confirmed by the likes of Kai Vejsada, Wesley Theobald, and Poppy Zaiger, among others; it is scientifically proven that semicolons are the best form of punctuation.
“I don’t use semicolons so my girlfriend broke up with me,” said Kai Vejsada, a 7th grader who really likes to quote memes. According to a study by Oxford College, people who used semicolons were 70% more likely to be in a serious relationship than those who didn’t. Forty percent of people also reported that they were broken up with for semicolon-related reasons. Some believe this is due to the appearance that semicolons are “winking” at anyone who looks at them.
That isn’t the only benefit of semicolons, however. “I’ll be 139 next December and it’s all thanks to my aggressive use of semicolons,” said Wesley Theobald, a 7th grader with occasionally vampiric tendencies. Recent research has shown that the correct use of a semicolon can improve your chances of living past 100 significantly for reasons no one fully understands. Some suspect it is because they give you more colons. “Semicolons make you live longer because they give you more colons,” said Poppy Zaiger, a 7th grader who likes to slap people’s necks when they tilt their heads back.
The greatness of the semicolon is further confirmed by Rafi Ponet; a 7th grader who’s taller than Danny DeVito. “I think semicolons are pretty cool,” he said.
On top of being a fan favorite punctuation mark, semicolons have also been proven to help cure minor or occasionally even major illnesses. Doctors have begun including them in all writing in medical facilities. “Paperwork and symptom charts have never been harder to read,” said a hospital spokesperson in a press conference.
Some people, however, believe that all of this is fake. “I believe that all of this about semicolons is just a hoax by the government to ruin our writing by overusing an unnecessary punctuation mark to make people only read books that the government writes; thereby indoctrinating innocent school children into liking them and never questioning their authority when they begin sending infants to Jupiter to eat them,” explained someone who would like to remain anonymous. This person evidently doesn’t use enough semicolons; which is why they are currently single and also dead.
“Honestly, I don’t know why semicolons exist,” commented Kai Walker Pettigrew, a 7th grader who has ridden in a monster truck before. “They’re kinda pointless.” However; this is objectively untrue because they do, in fact, have a small circle that in punctuation is deemed a “point” above their bottom-comma.
The same studies that revealed the semicolon’s surprising properties also revealed a darker truth about ellipses. The well-known “dot dot dot” sign is gaining notoriety for its ability to cause stress in individuals. While writing or typing it only causes minimal harm, reading it can cause a “sense of unknown” that for many people is anxiety inducing. Tripunctumaphobia is what doctors have begun calling this phenomenon.
After this was noticed, historians began finding effects of it in their research. In 1574, when a prominent priest wrote a transcript of his sermon after he lost his voice due to the flu, historians now realize it was likely because of the use of ellipsis in the written version of his preaching that he was hanged a day later for “heresy.” This event sparked a rebellion against the church that ultimately culminated in World War I.
“I get this sinking feeling in my chest when I look at an ellipsis,” said Drax Richardson, an 8th grader who doesn’t hate the Giver movie. “I am always caught off guard by their use in regular writing, which worsens the effect they have on me. Writers need to stop using them; for the sake of myself or others like myself.” Recently, there have been many calls for the White House to officially remove ellipsis from the English language; all of which have been ignored.
As science advances, punctuation does too. This is the first time we’ve found out about surprising properties of different types of punctuation, but it probably won’t be the last. Just last week the New York Times reported that scientists were looking into the asterisk as a cure for smallpox, though it is still in testing. In a couple of years, all of the symbols on a computer keyboard might have a use outside of the simple one we use them for now; conveying meaning through writing. In other words; now is the time to begin drawing semicolons on your forehead.
Despite few people actually knowing what differentiates them from a comma, period, colon or dash; recent studies have shown that semicolons can help you lead a longer and more fulfilling life. Confirmed by the likes of Kai Vejsada, Wesley Theobald, and Poppy Zaiger, among others; it is scientifically proven that semicolons are the best form of punctuation.
“I don’t use semicolons so my girlfriend broke up with me,” said Kai Vejsada, a 7th grader who really likes to quote memes. According to a study by Oxford College, people who used semicolons were 70% more likely to be in a serious relationship than those who didn’t. Forty percent of people also reported that they were broken up with for semicolon-related reasons. Some believe this is due to the appearance that semicolons are “winking” at anyone who looks at them.
That isn’t the only benefit of semicolons, however. “I’ll be 139 next December and it’s all thanks to my aggressive use of semicolons,” said Wesley Theobald, a 7th grader with occasionally vampiric tendencies. Recent research has shown that the correct use of a semicolon can improve your chances of living past 100 significantly for reasons no one fully understands. Some suspect it is because they give you more colons. “Semicolons make you live longer because they give you more colons,” said Poppy Zaiger, a 7th grader who likes to slap people’s necks when they tilt their heads back.
The greatness of the semicolon is further confirmed by Rafi Ponet; a 7th grader who’s taller than Danny DeVito. “I think semicolons are pretty cool,” he said.
On top of being a fan favorite punctuation mark, semicolons have also been proven to help cure minor or occasionally even major illnesses. Doctors have begun including them in all writing in medical facilities. “Paperwork and symptom charts have never been harder to read,” said a hospital spokesperson in a press conference.
Some people, however, believe that all of this is fake. “I believe that all of this about semicolons is just a hoax by the government to ruin our writing by overusing an unnecessary punctuation mark to make people only read books that the government writes; thereby indoctrinating innocent school children into liking them and never questioning their authority when they begin sending infants to Jupiter to eat them,” explained someone who would like to remain anonymous. This person evidently doesn’t use enough semicolons; which is why they are currently single and also dead.
“Honestly, I don’t know why semicolons exist,” commented Kai Walker Pettigrew, a 7th grader who has ridden in a monster truck before. “They’re kinda pointless.” However; this is objectively untrue because they do, in fact, have a small circle that in punctuation is deemed a “point” above their bottom-comma.
The same studies that revealed the semicolon’s surprising properties also revealed a darker truth about ellipses. The well-known “dot dot dot” sign is gaining notoriety for its ability to cause stress in individuals. While writing or typing it only causes minimal harm, reading it can cause a “sense of unknown” that for many people is anxiety inducing. Tripunctumaphobia is what doctors have begun calling this phenomenon.
After this was noticed, historians began finding effects of it in their research. In 1574, when a prominent priest wrote a transcript of his sermon after he lost his voice due to the flu, historians now realize it was likely because of the use of ellipsis in the written version of his preaching that he was hanged a day later for “heresy.” This event sparked a rebellion against the church that ultimately culminated in World War I.
“I get this sinking feeling in my chest when I look at an ellipsis,” said Drax Richardson, an 8th grader who doesn’t hate the Giver movie. “I am always caught off guard by their use in regular writing, which worsens the effect they have on me. Writers need to stop using them; for the sake of myself or others like myself.” Recently, there have been many calls for the White House to officially remove ellipsis from the English language; all of which have been ignored.
As science advances, punctuation does too. This is the first time we’ve found out about surprising properties of different types of punctuation, but it probably won’t be the last. Just last week the New York Times reported that scientists were looking into the asterisk as a cure for smallpox, though it is still in testing. In a couple of years, all of the symbols on a computer keyboard might have a use outside of the simple one we use them for now; conveying meaning through writing. In other words; now is the time to begin drawing semicolons on your forehead.
