I love them, I really do, but liking them is a whole different story. -- Adriana Rosekrans
Like and love are very different things. That's why, when my mother scolded me for not being happy to spend the holidays with my grandparents, I responded with, “I love them, I really do, but liking them is a whole different story.” It has been a recurring theme I've seen amongst my generation: that uncomfortableness around our older, millennial-hating relatives. Although we love them, and have cozy childhood memories that have their faces in them, it can be hard discussing anything except the weather and school. I have no reason to complain though, other than the occasional snaps and political disagreement, my grandparents and I share a relatively healthy relationship; this is not, however the case for many people.
One of my good friends has had a ongoing tension with her grandmother, it began when she started to be more aware of the things her grandmother would say. My friend, who prefers to remain nameless, is Afro Cuban and her grandma is white, which is why when she started saying racially insensitive things, my friend became hostile and angry. Understandably so.
“[My grandma] and my cousins have also started saying the n-word,” she told me, “on top of racially insensitive comments.” I asked her what she did when this happened, and she responded, “usually I just tell her that I don't want to hear it, but if I can't handle it I just leave the room.” I asked her if she loved her grandma, and she said, “nah.”
This is also a theme with a lot of my white friends that have older Republican relatives come over during the holidays. “It just makes me ashamed,” said one, “to know that these people are in my family and to love them, but at the same time hate the rude things they sometimes say.”
Another one of my good friends experiences this a lot. She comes from an almost all white, conservative family. Only her mother and father share her political beliefs. “When we were watching the Kavanaugh hearing with my grandparents they kept saying that, ‘Democrats are all stupid and they should die’ and that ‘the lady that accused him is (r-slur)’.” I then asked my friend what she did when things like that happened. “I usually just laugh,” she said. “It’s funny to me. How ignorant they are.”
I compared her situations to my other friend. It is easier to laugh at ignorance when we are not the ones being targeted, although my white friend is a Democrat, it is a different story when being told through the lense of a minority, especially when the relative saying those things is not.
I've noticed this even with my parents, when an iffy comment slips from their mouth I used to just uncomfortably move away from them, (both my mom and stepfather are white). But now, as a half-latino, half-white daughter, I feel the need to call them out on it. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to correct my parents on a comment without sounding condescending or rude. Once, my step dad even made a joke about it and mocked my frustration with him. It's genuinely harder for older generations to see the problem with those comments, back then it was more socially acceptable.
Dealing with these things can be emotionally draining and sometimes straight up annoying. Everyone’s situation is different so it’s hard to give advice on what to do exactly, but if you are into a situation where you feel it's necessary: call them out on it. Especially when they are targeting someone or a group of people that aren’t there to defend themselves. If the person/ group of people is there, and doesn't say anything about it, always check in with them. Usually if I start getting irritated with my grandparents, I go into the other room and talk to my sister about it. It’s helpful knowing that you're not the only one shaking your head at little comments like that.
If you need more help/advice on things like this, visit these resources: https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/talking-racism-withva-racist-relative-in-4-easy-um-no-important-steps/
https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2017/08/20/544483288/how-to-talk-race-with-your-family-ask-code-switch
One of my good friends has had a ongoing tension with her grandmother, it began when she started to be more aware of the things her grandmother would say. My friend, who prefers to remain nameless, is Afro Cuban and her grandma is white, which is why when she started saying racially insensitive things, my friend became hostile and angry. Understandably so.
“[My grandma] and my cousins have also started saying the n-word,” she told me, “on top of racially insensitive comments.” I asked her what she did when this happened, and she responded, “usually I just tell her that I don't want to hear it, but if I can't handle it I just leave the room.” I asked her if she loved her grandma, and she said, “nah.”
This is also a theme with a lot of my white friends that have older Republican relatives come over during the holidays. “It just makes me ashamed,” said one, “to know that these people are in my family and to love them, but at the same time hate the rude things they sometimes say.”
Another one of my good friends experiences this a lot. She comes from an almost all white, conservative family. Only her mother and father share her political beliefs. “When we were watching the Kavanaugh hearing with my grandparents they kept saying that, ‘Democrats are all stupid and they should die’ and that ‘the lady that accused him is (r-slur)’.” I then asked my friend what she did when things like that happened. “I usually just laugh,” she said. “It’s funny to me. How ignorant they are.”
I compared her situations to my other friend. It is easier to laugh at ignorance when we are not the ones being targeted, although my white friend is a Democrat, it is a different story when being told through the lense of a minority, especially when the relative saying those things is not.
I've noticed this even with my parents, when an iffy comment slips from their mouth I used to just uncomfortably move away from them, (both my mom and stepfather are white). But now, as a half-latino, half-white daughter, I feel the need to call them out on it. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to correct my parents on a comment without sounding condescending or rude. Once, my step dad even made a joke about it and mocked my frustration with him. It's genuinely harder for older generations to see the problem with those comments, back then it was more socially acceptable.
Dealing with these things can be emotionally draining and sometimes straight up annoying. Everyone’s situation is different so it’s hard to give advice on what to do exactly, but if you are into a situation where you feel it's necessary: call them out on it. Especially when they are targeting someone or a group of people that aren’t there to defend themselves. If the person/ group of people is there, and doesn't say anything about it, always check in with them. Usually if I start getting irritated with my grandparents, I go into the other room and talk to my sister about it. It’s helpful knowing that you're not the only one shaking your head at little comments like that.
If you need more help/advice on things like this, visit these resources: https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/talking-racism-withva-racist-relative-in-4-easy-um-no-important-steps/
https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2017/08/20/544483288/how-to-talk-race-with-your-family-ask-code-switch
