"Scientists always talk about a perpetual motion machine, but what about a perpetual screaming machine?!?!? I found it!!!! I really did!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" -Poppy zaiger, 8th grade
Two years ago there was an article in The Telegraph called Top 10 Movies You Shouldn’t Watch. It hasn’t aged well and I advise you not to read it. However, if you want to, you’ll have to find it yourself because I am not going to link it out of embarrassment. This is a loose followup to that article, but instead of picking out movies that I didn’t like, I got my peers to send me movies that they thought were absolute garbage. I watched almost all of the movies I was sent. And even though it’s more unbiased now, I already severely regret it, as the movies that were sent in are increasingly worse than two years ago. As this list goes on, it’ll get progressively more and more unbearable: this is your final warning.
The Kissing Booth (2018)
Starting off mild, we have a movie that was probably an excuse to watch highschoolers make out. Most of the things in this movie are bad. The editing is bad, the insane amount of hard cuts make you feel like you’re watching a cinematic slideshow. Having only, like, three cool shots doesn’t make up for the flow of garbage heading straight for your eyes—not to mention the clipart that sometimes pops up to distract you from the fact that this movie’s storyline is a confusing wreck.
The story is set around a romantic conflict that has everything falling apart. The dialogue is okay but there isn’t really anything to latch onto. You can’t relate to the characters because they are just caricatures of tropes in romance novels. The main character Elle is supposed to be sad about her dead mom but it doesn’t have a huge impact on the story until she needs to be sad. They make really gross jokes about Elle going through puberty that also led her to being harassed?!? Why?!? This movie is just a bunch of the most generic romance novels stitched together into one stupid movie, but it doesn’t make the cut for a hate watch so, 5/10.
The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)
This movie is just crass for the sake of it. The main character literally stalks his crush, AKA The Hottie, for a whole 30 minutes. It’s a comedy that can’t do anything right. It follows a basic plot structure with a played-out ending, and the Nottie is the best character in the movie despite being dunked on so much. The only good joke in the movie is when the main character’s ex-girlfriend bashes him over the head with a guitar. But like The Kissing Booth, it’s so aggressively average that I can’t put enough energy into hating it. This movie is the equivalent of a child’s sock left in the rain. It’s stinky, it’s pathetic, and I won’t touch it. 4/10
Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)
Jesus Christ this movie is so forgettable that I almost forgot to add it to this list. It’s such an unenjoyable “comedy” that it was one of the hardest movies to watch on this list. Our stupid main character constantly does these wisecracks where he just bullies people, the conflict is really boring, and even the literal villains of the movie are more sympathetic than the heroes. It felt more like a movie in a movie than an actual standalone piece. Not good, not memorable, 4/10.
The Amazing Bulk (2012)
I have a friend who gave me suggestions for this list, who wants to be known as “My Dealer.” Two of the movies he told me about made it on this list for good reason. The Amazing Bulk is a disaster. It’s supposed to be satire, but the movie is so full of itself that the first minute is just bootleg famous movie studio intros. Every set is literally green screened in and it’s awful CGI. At one point, the backgrounds are stock images.
I have a hunch that they hired a bunch of people that act as characters for birthday parties and wouldn’t let them leave until they finished filming the movie. That’s the only explanation, because the acting was so horrible you’d think these people were forced into doing this. After the first appearance of Bulk it takes 30 minutes to see him again, and in those 30 minutes we are treated to the most dull, agonizing, and blood boiling scenes where BARELY anything plot relevant happens. And when Bulk finally appears, all I could think was that he looked like a sculpture entirely made out of sidewalk gum. I could barely finish the movie, It’s so bad it isn’t even a good hate watch. Never even think about watching it, 1/10.
The Lost Girls (2022)
While making this list, I thought this movie would be the least worst of the bunch, it seemed fine, but as the movie went on there was one major issue that was slowly driving me insane. At first I thought the movie was quiet because it was showing the more calm, peaceful moments of a child’s life. But as this damn movie went on it was nothing but quiet with one song playing over, and over, AND OVER. IT’S TOO DAMN QUIET, THE SCENES FEEL EMOTIONLESS BECAUSE OF HOW QUIET IT IS. THE PACING IS SO SLOW AND EVERYTHING IS A BORE. AHHHHHH!!! WE SEE A LITERAL CHILD GROW UP BUT THERE IS STILL JUST ONE TRACK THEY USE FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE!!!!!! YOU CAN BARELY FOCUS ON WHAT'S GOING ON BECAUSE IT’S SO SILENT AND EVERYTHING IS BORING. THE SCENES ARE SLOW DESPITE IT BEING A PETER PAN MOVIE!!! A CHILD GOES INTO A COMA BUT IT’S STILL ONE TRACK. THERE IS A HALLUCINATION OF CAPTAIN HOOK AND IT’S STILL ONE DAMN TRACK. Thank god there is another track I was going insane. BUT THEN THE SAME ONE REPEATS!!!! Also Peter Pan just looks like a normal guy. -1/10.
Winnie the Pooh Blood and Honey (2023)
The only thing that is good about this movie is the deaths, and even those suck. The killers are extremely ugly, they were probably repeatedly inflated and deflated until they became floppy old sacks. The pacing flops around from way too fast and way too slow. They would spend a minute of us staying on the same camera angle of the characters going into a house, but then a death scene happens in 5 seconds and then cuts to a different scene entirely. It's such a generic slasher that you can watch any other horror movie and get more of the good things this movie has to offer. 2/10. Just watch Hereditary.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
This movie sucks. It had a nauseating shaky cam, two thirds of the time the main characters were driving, and in the span of 42 minutes there were only three mentions of birds. The pacing wobbled between too fast and too slow. The main characters are practically pieces of cardboard, the dialogue is flat, and two sex scenes happen before any birds show up. The birds are horrible CGI. Scenes meant to be scary, tense, or sad are actually really funny because of the stupidly flat dialogue. When you finally reach the end of this movie you are treated to the main characters staring at the ocean. The best part of the movie is when the birds throw rocks at a gas station until it explodes. 1/10. The only way you should watch it is with friends, because at least you can suffer together.
The VelociPastor (2017)
From the movies of my original article two years ago, to the one you are reading right now, I’ve never seen a movie like this. This was another suggestion from “My Dealer” and I watched it with all of my friends. It’s a beautiful movie but for all the wrong reasons. There are no heavy emotions, every actor takes the movie too seriously, there is a lot of weird storytelling, and there are so many Chinese stereotypes. But it has one thing that makes it beautiful: so many things happen in this movie that are absolutely insane.
The main character is a pastor that gets a magical velociraptor tooth and now he can turn into a velociraptor. Some guy’s wife travels to him while he is in Vietnam and gets obliterated by a landmine in front of him. The Chinese stereotypes are trying to release a new variant of cocaine into America that is four times as addictive as regular cocaine. They drop random Bible verses that don’t actually exist. We barely get any scenes of the VelociPastor that isn’t just the head of the costume, except during the film’s climax when we see his full body—only to realize that this scary dinosaur is a hunched over 5’6” Spirit Halloween costume. The reviews on this movie are wild, here are a few review excerpts:
“I was in charge of picking a movie for family movie night. Put this on for Karen and the kids and next thing you know the woman's screaming at the top of her lungs. I just wanted to show her my favorite movie of all time and she was shaming it in front of me and my darling children. I no longer have custody over my little boy and girl and blame it all on this movie. The VelociPastor is a disgrace to humanity please Karen come back I can't pay rent.”
“Me and Miss Piggy have to lie under the sheets every night and pray to every God that the VelociPastor doesn't come and devour us all.”
“This is the most high quality high budget dinosaur movie of the millenia. nothing will ever come close to the sheer level of amazing cinematography that this movie has achieved. written by obviously the best writers to have been put on this planet with high quality costumes and gore that left me shaking in my boots, this movie is truly a gift from god himself.”
What I have listed isn't even all of the deranged things that happen in this movie—only a fraction of this movie’s pure power. This movie is an ironic 10/10, and you need to make time to watch it. Maybe invite your friends over.
If you want to request bad movies you can put them in this google form. Maybe if I get enough, I’ll make a part two. That’s all for today, now you should read something else that actually informs you of something.
CREDITS:
Poppy Zaiger
My Dealer