"On April 1st, The CocoMelon Watermelon, a character from the beloved toddler’s show, CocoMelon, was found in a home, where it bit a 5-year-old child before ascending to a higher plane of existence in Florida woman’s living room.' " -- Cece Burger, 6th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
On April 1st, The CocoMelon Watermelon, a character from the beloved toddler’s show, CocoMelon, was found in a home, where it bit a 5-year-old child before ascending to a higher plane of existence in Florida woman’s living room.
Cilantro Jamal Jackson Jefferson Albuquerque, a five-year-old from Florida, was recently shot into the spotlight after an incident with the infamous Coco Melon Watermelon.
The unnamed watermelon sounds tame but has a very dark past. After starring in the hit children’s show, CocoMelon, viewers have noticed multiple breaks of character during the show. Barracuda Worcestershire, an oddly frequent viewer of CocoMelon is not fond of the strange creature,”The Watermelon pretty much just flies around making dumb noises that can only be described as a hamster drowning I guess?”
Over the past few years since CocoMelon aired, the Watermelon just stops moving and slowly flies to the camera dead silent. In the episode, “Mommy and Daddy told the exterminator to take JJ away.”, The Watermelon can be seen moving past the other characters and flying straight into the camera, dead silent.
In another episode called, “TomTom down the toilet so Daddy doesn’t have to pay daycare anymore”, again, the Watermelon starts acting strange. It makes the noise of a Kazoo in spring and starts to do the mating dance of the peacock. Animators of the show have been wrestling with the Watermelon, not understanding how it’s moving like that when no one did it. The Watermelon has also been heard saying random political opinions and “hot takes.” One concerned parent told a news station that her son came to her crying after the Watermelon on screen started talking about signing anti-bills for numerous minorities.
Recently, Cilantro was involved in a horrible accident after the Cocomelon Watermelon broke into his family’s home during the prop making of Cocomelon’s new movie. Cocomelon: Live Action was supposed to be a live action version of the show. The CocoMelon Company contacted an illegal scientific lab in Orlando, just down the street from Cilantro’s home, to try and recreate the Watermelon in a living form. While testing, the Watermelon escaped and flew down the street screaming, “WE MUST FULFILL THE PROPHECY, WHERE IS THE BOY?!”
The Watermelon flew past houses before finding Cilantro. Cilantro was eating fire ants when what he described as “one of dem levitation fruits” burst through his ceiling. The Watermelon locked eyes with Cilantro and charged at him. Cilantro ran through the house screaming before he hit it with a frying pan multiple times. After about 30 strikes, the Watermelon crashed to the kitchen floor, passed out.
From sleep deprivation and energy loss, Cilantro took a nap in the kitchen sink. Detectives believe approximately two hours later the watermelon woke back up and started preaching the Bible backwards and in Italian, waking Cilantro. The hellish melon quickly bit the five year old's hand, whispering in his ear, “Wait for the day when you find the round specimen, do not take his word, only his wife, move to Colombia but tell him you moved to Ireland, never buy lettuce again, it’ll kill you. The prophecy will come soon! Prepare yourself boy.”
Before what the victim described as “beams of yeller light” shot from his eyes and mouth, the Watermelon began to slowly ascend back through the ceiling, to the sky.
We have an interview from the homeowner, Shanaynay Alfredo Albuquerque and Cilantro himself to get both sides of the story. One of our more famous interviewers, Strawberry Rosé, who has interviewed people like the bean stocker at Safeway, and the infamous mother who named her, decided to take the scene. But first, a little backstory on our victim.
Cilantro is a five year old child currently living in Orlando, Florida. Cilantro spends most of his time stealing mascot costumes from Disney World, putting them on and terrorizing children. Cilantro also enjoys watching skibidi toilet, duel screened with Elon Musk building a rocket for Taylor Swift so she can use the restroom, in real time.
He has been known to steal Monster energy drinks from the nearby gas station and drink them all in one go. He then will run around town foaming at the mouth and performing his interpretive dance about the one time he heard Justin Beiber for the first time.
And while Cilantro was born and raised his whole life in Orlando, he has a Texan accent, although he has never gone to Texas and has never even known anyone from Texas.
Three weeks after the attack, Rosé traveled to Orlando to meet Cilantro at his family home. Upon arriving at the house, Rosé knocked on the door a few times but no answer followed. After about 20 minutes there was a loud neighing sound before Cilantro busted through the door on the back of a miniature pony. The child was covered in tomato sauce with half a basketball on his head. Rosé and the crew proceed to ask the child if they could come into the home and interview the family, Cilantro granted access to the home. There was knee-deep tomato sauce on the floor. When asked about the sauce Cilantro whispered, “It’s for the arrival of Mr. Downy rinse and refresh” before running to the back room and bringing out his mother.
His mother, the homeowner, Shanaynay Alfredo Albuquerque, was holding a mop and a bottle of bleach, we assume she was scrubbing tomato sauce from her bed sheets. Rosé quotes, “That woman needed a drink.” Shanaynay was asked if she would be willing to do an interview about the incident to which she responded, “What?” When explained what happened three weeks prior she was still very confused. Rosé decided to just interview Cilantro and avoid any more confusion.
When asked about Cilantro’s thoughts during the attack, he said, “I thought I was gonna be late for my dog’s highschool reunion.”
After a background check we confirmed Cilantro does not have a dog and never has had a dog. He does in fact have a goldfish named Dog that used to be a famous cartel drug lord before being arrested in 1978. He’s spent his time crocheting for D.M.F. or, The Divorced Monkeys Foundation ever since getting out.
We then asked him about his opinion on the recent fruit attacks in Orlando, Cilantro put his entire mouth onto the mic and whispered,“I never trusted fruit…”
Too disgusted to continue, Rosé and the crew packed up and walked out of the house. They had some trouble with the horse neighing morse code that was blocking the doorway, but they realized he was just singing “TEXAS HOLD'EM '' and not spreading information about charismatic donuts in the area.
Overall, the entire experience leading to the chain of events was horrible. We hope Cilantro lives a good life—hell it won’t be normal but it’ll be interesting. We’ll probably make hundreds off his thoughtless actions. As for our interview crew, they are still hard at work scrubbing tomato sauce out of their jeans. At the end of the day, I think Rosé’s final thoughts speak for us all, “Here’s my two week notice, it was nice knowing you Bob. Columbia, here I come!” Amen to that Rosé.
On April 1st, The CocoMelon Watermelon, a character from the beloved toddler’s show, CocoMelon, was found in a home, where it bit a 5-year-old child before ascending to a higher plane of existence in Florida woman’s living room.
Cilantro Jamal Jackson Jefferson Albuquerque, a five-year-old from Florida, was recently shot into the spotlight after an incident with the infamous Coco Melon Watermelon.
The unnamed watermelon sounds tame but has a very dark past. After starring in the hit children’s show, CocoMelon, viewers have noticed multiple breaks of character during the show. Barracuda Worcestershire, an oddly frequent viewer of CocoMelon is not fond of the strange creature,”The Watermelon pretty much just flies around making dumb noises that can only be described as a hamster drowning I guess?”
Over the past few years since CocoMelon aired, the Watermelon just stops moving and slowly flies to the camera dead silent. In the episode, “Mommy and Daddy told the exterminator to take JJ away.”, The Watermelon can be seen moving past the other characters and flying straight into the camera, dead silent.
In another episode called, “TomTom down the toilet so Daddy doesn’t have to pay daycare anymore”, again, the Watermelon starts acting strange. It makes the noise of a Kazoo in spring and starts to do the mating dance of the peacock. Animators of the show have been wrestling with the Watermelon, not understanding how it’s moving like that when no one did it. The Watermelon has also been heard saying random political opinions and “hot takes.” One concerned parent told a news station that her son came to her crying after the Watermelon on screen started talking about signing anti-bills for numerous minorities.
Recently, Cilantro was involved in a horrible accident after the Cocomelon Watermelon broke into his family’s home during the prop making of Cocomelon’s new movie. Cocomelon: Live Action was supposed to be a live action version of the show. The CocoMelon Company contacted an illegal scientific lab in Orlando, just down the street from Cilantro’s home, to try and recreate the Watermelon in a living form. While testing, the Watermelon escaped and flew down the street screaming, “WE MUST FULFILL THE PROPHECY, WHERE IS THE BOY?!”
The Watermelon flew past houses before finding Cilantro. Cilantro was eating fire ants when what he described as “one of dem levitation fruits” burst through his ceiling. The Watermelon locked eyes with Cilantro and charged at him. Cilantro ran through the house screaming before he hit it with a frying pan multiple times. After about 30 strikes, the Watermelon crashed to the kitchen floor, passed out.
From sleep deprivation and energy loss, Cilantro took a nap in the kitchen sink. Detectives believe approximately two hours later the watermelon woke back up and started preaching the Bible backwards and in Italian, waking Cilantro. The hellish melon quickly bit the five year old's hand, whispering in his ear, “Wait for the day when you find the round specimen, do not take his word, only his wife, move to Colombia but tell him you moved to Ireland, never buy lettuce again, it’ll kill you. The prophecy will come soon! Prepare yourself boy.”
Before what the victim described as “beams of yeller light” shot from his eyes and mouth, the Watermelon began to slowly ascend back through the ceiling, to the sky.
We have an interview from the homeowner, Shanaynay Alfredo Albuquerque and Cilantro himself to get both sides of the story. One of our more famous interviewers, Strawberry Rosé, who has interviewed people like the bean stocker at Safeway, and the infamous mother who named her, decided to take the scene. But first, a little backstory on our victim.
Cilantro is a five year old child currently living in Orlando, Florida. Cilantro spends most of his time stealing mascot costumes from Disney World, putting them on and terrorizing children. Cilantro also enjoys watching skibidi toilet, duel screened with Elon Musk building a rocket for Taylor Swift so she can use the restroom, in real time.
He has been known to steal Monster energy drinks from the nearby gas station and drink them all in one go. He then will run around town foaming at the mouth and performing his interpretive dance about the one time he heard Justin Beiber for the first time.
And while Cilantro was born and raised his whole life in Orlando, he has a Texan accent, although he has never gone to Texas and has never even known anyone from Texas.
Three weeks after the attack, Rosé traveled to Orlando to meet Cilantro at his family home. Upon arriving at the house, Rosé knocked on the door a few times but no answer followed. After about 20 minutes there was a loud neighing sound before Cilantro busted through the door on the back of a miniature pony. The child was covered in tomato sauce with half a basketball on his head. Rosé and the crew proceed to ask the child if they could come into the home and interview the family, Cilantro granted access to the home. There was knee-deep tomato sauce on the floor. When asked about the sauce Cilantro whispered, “It’s for the arrival of Mr. Downy rinse and refresh” before running to the back room and bringing out his mother.
His mother, the homeowner, Shanaynay Alfredo Albuquerque, was holding a mop and a bottle of bleach, we assume she was scrubbing tomato sauce from her bed sheets. Rosé quotes, “That woman needed a drink.” Shanaynay was asked if she would be willing to do an interview about the incident to which she responded, “What?” When explained what happened three weeks prior she was still very confused. Rosé decided to just interview Cilantro and avoid any more confusion.
When asked about Cilantro’s thoughts during the attack, he said, “I thought I was gonna be late for my dog’s highschool reunion.”
After a background check we confirmed Cilantro does not have a dog and never has had a dog. He does in fact have a goldfish named Dog that used to be a famous cartel drug lord before being arrested in 1978. He’s spent his time crocheting for D.M.F. or, The Divorced Monkeys Foundation ever since getting out.
We then asked him about his opinion on the recent fruit attacks in Orlando, Cilantro put his entire mouth onto the mic and whispered,“I never trusted fruit…”
Too disgusted to continue, Rosé and the crew packed up and walked out of the house. They had some trouble with the horse neighing morse code that was blocking the doorway, but they realized he was just singing “TEXAS HOLD'EM '' and not spreading information about charismatic donuts in the area.
Overall, the entire experience leading to the chain of events was horrible. We hope Cilantro lives a good life—hell it won’t be normal but it’ll be interesting. We’ll probably make hundreds off his thoughtless actions. As for our interview crew, they are still hard at work scrubbing tomato sauce out of their jeans. At the end of the day, I think Rosé’s final thoughts speak for us all, “Here’s my two week notice, it was nice knowing you Bob. Columbia, here I come!” Amen to that Rosé.