The one-star rated Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, aired in 1972 and directed by Nicholas Webster, really could put your holiday season together… I actually don’t think it will. I think it would be more of a “Oh God I’m never watching this again!” The movie is a masterpiece, but it’s also not something I think anyone would want to re-watch. Starring actors that you probably have never heard of… Santa Claus…. Conquers the Martians… Rated PG-13 --Piper Stuip
The one-star rated Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, aired in 1972 and directed by Nicholas Webster, really could put your holiday season together… I actually don’t think it will. I think it would be more of a “Oh God I’m never watching this again!” The movie is a masterpiece, but it’s also not something I think anyone would want to re-watch. Starring actors that you probably have never heard of… Santa Claus…. Conquers the Martians… Rated PG-13
The story starts off with two Martian children sitting in front of a television screen, watching what they refer to as, “Earth programs.” On the screen, we see that it’s a man named Mr. Henderson, who I’m pretty sure had strips of coconut thrown all over him to represent snow, interviewing Santa Claus in his workshop. We then meet the Martian parents of the two children. They’re worried that ever since their kids have started watching these “Earth programs,” they stopped eating their food pills, and sleeping. The father (Kimar) then decides to gather his small troop and get advice from this man who is kind of like the Wise Man of Mars.
His small troop consists of Dropo, Hargo, Rigna, Voldar, and a few others. Before Kimar meets the group, Voldar tries to start a coup, asking the group, “Why should we follow his rules!” and, “We should rebel against him!” The group quickly shuts Voldar down, but he never forgets his thoughts.
When Kimar arrives, they summon the Wise Man of Mars from the ground, who then gives a whole speech, reminding them that down on Earth it’s early December. The Wise Man continues to tell them about Christmas and about how on Christmas Eve Santa brings kids toys, and then the next day they have a marvelous feist. The Wise Man describes the laughter, telling them that the children of Mars need to learn how to laugh. After a few seconds of silence, the Wise Man croaks, “M-mars needs a Santa…” then sinks into the Earth as a dramatic theme plays, he calls out, “THEY HAVE HAD HIM FOR LONG ENOUGH!”
Following this, the troop develops a plan to kidnap Santa. This scene was probably my favorite, when I was writing notes about the movie I thought, “GOLDEN” The man who played the Wise Man could have done a one-man show of this entire movie, switching into all the costumes every time someone else said something, or had an important facial expression, and it would have been the best movie ever created.
At first Voldar does not agree to this, claiming that their children were fine the way they were, but reluctantly agreeing. Fast-forward to when they make it to Earth in their spaceship, arriving in what looks like New York City. One of them sees a Santa ringing a bell in front of a flower shop, another Santa in front of another store, until then they realize there is more than one Santa. Confused, they land in a park. We then meet Betty and Billy Foster. They are listening to the radio: The US army has apparently seen the Martian spaceship, and are trying to figure out what it is. They are then confronted by the troop of Martians, asking where they can find the real Santa. The children tell them that all the Santas they had been seeing on the street, were all “fake,” claiming that they had to get to the North Pole. Voldar points his gun at them, about to kill the children so that they wouldn’t tell anyone about their secret, but Kimar stops him, and demands that they bring the children with them.
Betty, Billy, and the Martians all get on the spaceship to the North Pole. Dropo decides to give the children a small tour of their ship, and in the process he mentions that if you pull out the radar cords, people from Earth may be able to find them. Bad move Dropo… Bad move... The rest of the troop comes in and the children overhear their plan about kidnapping Santa. When the Martians arrive at the North Pole, they leave the ship to find Santa's shop, and the children follow—unplugging the radar cords on their way out.
Betty and Billy ran to find Santa to warn him, but the Martians quickly realize that the kids have escaped and split up to look for them. The rest of the troop finds Voldar trying to kill the kids with the robot they were using to kidnap Santa. For some reason, the Martians then forget about the kids and finally find Santa’s workshop where they freeze Mrs. Claus and the Elves. They then proceed to take Santa into their spaceship. The Martians then begin their journey back to Mars.
Betty, Billy, and Santa are sitting in their room on the spaceship when Voldar comes in and offers to give them all a tour of the ship. The children are reluctant, telling Santa that Voldar is too suspicious, but Santa denies it and they go on a tour. Voldar ends the tour by taking them go to the room where the Martians prepare to go outside of the ship, and Voldar claims he will be right back—however, he locks them in, and in that moment, looking at the door they used for that scene… I realized it was really just a regular door that angry kids slam shut when they wanted something that they couldn’t have, We then see that Voldar is opening the door so that Santa and the children will be sucked out in space, however. Kimar comes in and when he realizes what Voldar has done, begins to fight Voldar. Meanwhile, Santa and the children come back in through the air duct, they then lock Voldar in a room in the ship until they arrive back at Mars, where they then just let him out into the planet. “What a quality plan...”
Santa, Betty, and Billy meet the Martian children, and they begin making toys for all the children of Mars. We then hear Dropo asking Santa if he could wear his red suit, but Santa declines claiming that Dropo would have to gain some weight. Everyone goes to bed except Dropo, and we then see a montage of him eating food pills trying to fatten up, until decides to just stuff a blanket in his shirt. Dropo walks down to the workshop in Santa's suit, but Voldar and a few of his comrades have made a plan to kidnap Santa and kill him. They assume that Dropo is the real Santa and bring him to their hideout, and go to confront Kimar, Betty, Billy, and the two Martian children before they take “Santa’s” life.
Kimar and the kids reveal that Voldar got the wrong Santa, and we see that Dropo has escaped! They have a final showdown between Voldar and everyone else, and the “Mars police” catch him and bring him to face the counsel. When Santa sees Dropo in the red suit he claims that Mars already has a perfectly fine Santa, and says that him and the children should return back to Earth. As they go into the starry distance, they play the creepy Christmas song and the lights are out.
The story starts off with two Martian children sitting in front of a television screen, watching what they refer to as, “Earth programs.” On the screen, we see that it’s a man named Mr. Henderson, who I’m pretty sure had strips of coconut thrown all over him to represent snow, interviewing Santa Claus in his workshop. We then meet the Martian parents of the two children. They’re worried that ever since their kids have started watching these “Earth programs,” they stopped eating their food pills, and sleeping. The father (Kimar) then decides to gather his small troop and get advice from this man who is kind of like the Wise Man of Mars.
His small troop consists of Dropo, Hargo, Rigna, Voldar, and a few others. Before Kimar meets the group, Voldar tries to start a coup, asking the group, “Why should we follow his rules!” and, “We should rebel against him!” The group quickly shuts Voldar down, but he never forgets his thoughts.
When Kimar arrives, they summon the Wise Man of Mars from the ground, who then gives a whole speech, reminding them that down on Earth it’s early December. The Wise Man continues to tell them about Christmas and about how on Christmas Eve Santa brings kids toys, and then the next day they have a marvelous feist. The Wise Man describes the laughter, telling them that the children of Mars need to learn how to laugh. After a few seconds of silence, the Wise Man croaks, “M-mars needs a Santa…” then sinks into the Earth as a dramatic theme plays, he calls out, “THEY HAVE HAD HIM FOR LONG ENOUGH!”
Following this, the troop develops a plan to kidnap Santa. This scene was probably my favorite, when I was writing notes about the movie I thought, “GOLDEN” The man who played the Wise Man could have done a one-man show of this entire movie, switching into all the costumes every time someone else said something, or had an important facial expression, and it would have been the best movie ever created.
At first Voldar does not agree to this, claiming that their children were fine the way they were, but reluctantly agreeing. Fast-forward to when they make it to Earth in their spaceship, arriving in what looks like New York City. One of them sees a Santa ringing a bell in front of a flower shop, another Santa in front of another store, until then they realize there is more than one Santa. Confused, they land in a park. We then meet Betty and Billy Foster. They are listening to the radio: The US army has apparently seen the Martian spaceship, and are trying to figure out what it is. They are then confronted by the troop of Martians, asking where they can find the real Santa. The children tell them that all the Santas they had been seeing on the street, were all “fake,” claiming that they had to get to the North Pole. Voldar points his gun at them, about to kill the children so that they wouldn’t tell anyone about their secret, but Kimar stops him, and demands that they bring the children with them.
Betty, Billy, and the Martians all get on the spaceship to the North Pole. Dropo decides to give the children a small tour of their ship, and in the process he mentions that if you pull out the radar cords, people from Earth may be able to find them. Bad move Dropo… Bad move... The rest of the troop comes in and the children overhear their plan about kidnapping Santa. When the Martians arrive at the North Pole, they leave the ship to find Santa's shop, and the children follow—unplugging the radar cords on their way out.
Betty and Billy ran to find Santa to warn him, but the Martians quickly realize that the kids have escaped and split up to look for them. The rest of the troop finds Voldar trying to kill the kids with the robot they were using to kidnap Santa. For some reason, the Martians then forget about the kids and finally find Santa’s workshop where they freeze Mrs. Claus and the Elves. They then proceed to take Santa into their spaceship. The Martians then begin their journey back to Mars.
Betty, Billy, and Santa are sitting in their room on the spaceship when Voldar comes in and offers to give them all a tour of the ship. The children are reluctant, telling Santa that Voldar is too suspicious, but Santa denies it and they go on a tour. Voldar ends the tour by taking them go to the room where the Martians prepare to go outside of the ship, and Voldar claims he will be right back—however, he locks them in, and in that moment, looking at the door they used for that scene… I realized it was really just a regular door that angry kids slam shut when they wanted something that they couldn’t have, We then see that Voldar is opening the door so that Santa and the children will be sucked out in space, however. Kimar comes in and when he realizes what Voldar has done, begins to fight Voldar. Meanwhile, Santa and the children come back in through the air duct, they then lock Voldar in a room in the ship until they arrive back at Mars, where they then just let him out into the planet. “What a quality plan...”
Santa, Betty, and Billy meet the Martian children, and they begin making toys for all the children of Mars. We then hear Dropo asking Santa if he could wear his red suit, but Santa declines claiming that Dropo would have to gain some weight. Everyone goes to bed except Dropo, and we then see a montage of him eating food pills trying to fatten up, until decides to just stuff a blanket in his shirt. Dropo walks down to the workshop in Santa's suit, but Voldar and a few of his comrades have made a plan to kidnap Santa and kill him. They assume that Dropo is the real Santa and bring him to their hideout, and go to confront Kimar, Betty, Billy, and the two Martian children before they take “Santa’s” life.
Kimar and the kids reveal that Voldar got the wrong Santa, and we see that Dropo has escaped! They have a final showdown between Voldar and everyone else, and the “Mars police” catch him and bring him to face the counsel. When Santa sees Dropo in the red suit he claims that Mars already has a perfectly fine Santa, and says that him and the children should return back to Earth. As they go into the starry distance, they play the creepy Christmas song and the lights are out.
Overall, this movie is without a doubt the strangest thing I have ever seen. I couldn’t tell if this was supposed to be serious or not— half of the time it was dumb/funny stuff, but then the other half of the time it was a man with the biggest mustache I have ever seen trying to kill kids.
This movie’s average of 1 star on Letterboxd, and top comments of “this movie is physically painful!” may be correct, but I mean… something about that movie has permanently changed me. As bad as it is, I would still I recommend it to anyone who reads this article, not because of the way the way the shots were taken, or the way the makeup artist rubbed green paint on the characters’ faces, or how well the actors did...but because this movie will be something you’ll NEVER forget.
