"Women are forced into hiding and taken away from their families all over the united states after supreme court passes the banning of women in the us."--zanthe Jones-Gerachis, 8th grade (If you are an fbi agent, My name is george and i'm a man)
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
On April 17, 2024, the Supreme Court announced they had approved a new ruling to ban all women from the United States. Following this, FBI Agents were sent to every home in the US to take all women to a holding cell which sources say is underneath the White House. Many men are grieving for their wives, daughters, and female pets. Infants have been taken because of this bill, and it is hurting everyone. However, some people have managed to escape to other countries.
“I saw the FBI car through my window and I ran into my brother’s room and I took one of his hats and I hid my hair in it and I put on a pair of his ugly pants and his basketball jersey and I like ran into the bathroom and took off all my makeup, sat in a chair and I looked… like a man and I manspreaded and just was like ‘sup dudes’ while they took my mom. I said ‘like bro can you spare her like she's the one who cooks my meals,’ [to the FBI agents taking her mom away], and like ‘I don't really know what the f**k imma do without her’ but like they took her anyways… so…I don't know it was pretty sad.’' Explains Sadie McMahon-- Stevie McManlyman. When asked if she-- he approved of this action, he explained that he feels very strongly against it and believes the world will fall apart without women.
“I heard in a TikTok that they are like keeping them underground in the White House… so I don't wanna do that. I don't like the ban. I don't wanna be the only girl at my school or dress up like a boy, they are gross. It really sucks because I really…I have a boyfriend but um, he knows that I'm pretending to be a boy so he's just gonna pretend to be gay and Imma pretend to be gay… and we are actually just going to continue dating. It actually doesn't affect me that much, yeah.”
This has been a common occurrence with most women. Many sources have shared get-away stories through the internet, advising each other to get out of the US as soon as possible. Women have resorted to pretending to be men and while trying to flee the country. However, this has proven a struggle because to get on a plane women have had to get a fake passport, fake ID, and a whole new identity. Since the banning, all airport employees have also been instructed to report any women they see to stop them from leaving the country. At this point, it’s just about survival. Women are quite literally being hunted and trapped by their government. With new rules being made to keep women trapped, it has become near impossible to flee the United States.
However, efforts are now being made all around the world to protest against this ban. Women everywhere are protesting against the injustices of the United States Government. In the UK, there have been more than 10 protests in the past week. Women have been seen holding signs saying things like: “without women you will spiral.” “Try banning men for a change.” “How stupid do you have to be to ban the people keeping you alive?”
However some people are pro-ban, even some women. One of these women is Mila Boyden, 8th grade student at OSA, a self proclaimed “pick-me.” “When I found out, I was on a call with the boys, we were playing fortnite, um, and I won, obviously. I'm just better than them because… I am one of them. So yeah, I was just playing games with the guys and I got a notification on my phone, [that the ban was passed by the Supreme Court] but I knew I'd be fine because it said women and girls and like, that's not me.” Boyden explains, frequently stating that she is “one of the guys”. When asked if she supports the many groups of women protesting outside of the US, Boyden stated that she believes they are “being so dramatic, like I swear every single time something like this happens they make a whole fuss over it.. And I'm like… girls… stop. Cuz like, why are they so dramatic? There's a reason they are banned! Me and the guys hate girls like that.” It was later reported that Boyden’s “boys” turned her in, and now she is on the lam, possibly in Canada.
A political supporter of this banning is Ron DeSantis, Governor of Florida who responded directly in an exclusive interview with the New York Times that, “This has been my plan for several years. We have ways to keep our population safe. As for the women who are obedient, or some who say they are ‘one of the boys,’ we have let the few stay. But, the goal is to leave barely any women in the US when we have finished the raids. This includes dogs, cats, babies, wives, teens, sisters, mothers, nieces, etc.” When asked if he would later regret this decision, De Santis stated that he is “disappointed there is no one to stop from having abortions.” But he is ultimately happy with his decision.
“I kinda support it lowkey,” says Kia Vajseda, an 8th grade boy. “I think there's gonna be a lot less like… yapping in class, car accidents.” When asked if this was something he had supported for a while, Vajseda stated confidently, “yeah, absolutely. Maybe we can finally get something done like.. In the US we’ll low-key figure out how to fix the reproducing problem. We won't have any cooks anymore so maybe we can like get some robots up in here.” Vajseda explained as he texted his mom whether or not she could pick him up from school.
Vajseda proceeds to explain that he supports this idea wholly and believes in the US government to fix the problems this might cause, and that if he saw a woman he would immediately report her to the FBI, saying “like get her outta there dude.”
However, even with these protests around the world, nothing seems to be changing. On April 22nd, it was announced that all women still remaining in the US had been captured and taken. After this, there was a cease in protests around the world.
“I trust in a man’s fragile existence and their lack of independence to solve this. Protests won’t do anything, eventually, they are going to come back to us begging for someone to stop their kids from crying,” explains an anonymous source who fled to Europe.