"a rat chewed my toes off and now I can't wiggle them, I am very sad."--poppy zaiger, 8th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
Two years ago archeologists discovered an underground structure directly under Mount Rushmore, revealing hundreds of secret tunnels. One of these tunnels led to a chamber, inside the chamber was a bunch of scrap metal, a bloody surgical table, a bunch of old broken lights, and many degraded photos of ham. This confusing discovery led to law enforcement stepping in to conduct an investigation, which we are now hearing the details of years later.
After exploring the systems, they found that one of the tunnels connected to an abandoned screw factory. When they searched inside they found 15 stinky people living inside, their ages ranged from 23-85 years old. Many of the people found were on the FBI’s missing persons’ list. All of the people were hospitalized, but everyone was in stable condition. After the hospital visit, everyone was questioned.
They said that they used the factory as a place of worship to their god, Ham Man. When they were asked what Ham Man looked like, their description matched the photo found in the chamber. After questioning everyone was put into jail until further notice.
Forensics took samples of blood from the 15 people and compared it to the dried blood found in the chamber, surprisingly there were no matches but they did find similarities to one of the women, 64-year-old Maria Crumbly, who had been declared missing for 38 years. Investigators tracked down her family to inform them of the situation. Family members gave the forensics team blood samples, and 40-year-old Dale Crumbly was a match.
Crumbly was taken into a hospital for a checkup and an examination into his medical records. But in an example of medical malpractice, the doctor hit his knee a little too hard with the hammer and his kneecap instantly flew out of his leg like a frisbee. Doctors looking at the exposed wound found that his bones were entirely made out of metal. The kneecap was also made out of metal. Crumbly was put into an X-ray, where horrified doctors discovered that his entire skeleton was made out of metal.
Crumbly remarked, “To be honest that's probably why I’ve never gotten a broken bone, whenever my arm would bend in a different direction I’d just bend it back into place.”
This revelation led to a second sweep of the screw factory. Where they found more evidence that Crumbly isn’t the only one that had one of these grotesque surgeries. In a filing cabinet they found documents titled, “Ham Man’s wacky experiments” That had lists of names, date of birth, and what had been done to them. Miraculously everyone on the list was alive and were able to be contacted about their experiments, some sent letters to investigators with anecdotes about their life with these conditions.
One victim wrote, “I don’t think that having 5 fully functional hearts is really an ailment, I’ve been able to donate 3 of them and I think that you should find out how they did it instead of putting them to justice. It could help so many people.”
Another victim stated, “I don’t care, Having a retractable knife coming out of my pinky finger has never affected me negatively, I’ve become a master at slicing bread.”
In addition, they found a VHS tape in the bathroom of the factory. The contents are still being extracted, but when they are they will be posted for your viewing.
The investigation is still ongoing, as more information is uncovered law enforcement will update the situation.
Two years ago archeologists discovered an underground structure directly under Mount Rushmore, revealing hundreds of secret tunnels. One of these tunnels led to a chamber, inside the chamber was a bunch of scrap metal, a bloody surgical table, a bunch of old broken lights, and many degraded photos of ham. This confusing discovery led to law enforcement stepping in to conduct an investigation, which we are now hearing the details of years later.
After exploring the systems, they found that one of the tunnels connected to an abandoned screw factory. When they searched inside they found 15 stinky people living inside, their ages ranged from 23-85 years old. Many of the people found were on the FBI’s missing persons’ list. All of the people were hospitalized, but everyone was in stable condition. After the hospital visit, everyone was questioned.
They said that they used the factory as a place of worship to their god, Ham Man. When they were asked what Ham Man looked like, their description matched the photo found in the chamber. After questioning everyone was put into jail until further notice.
Forensics took samples of blood from the 15 people and compared it to the dried blood found in the chamber, surprisingly there were no matches but they did find similarities to one of the women, 64-year-old Maria Crumbly, who had been declared missing for 38 years. Investigators tracked down her family to inform them of the situation. Family members gave the forensics team blood samples, and 40-year-old Dale Crumbly was a match.
Crumbly was taken into a hospital for a checkup and an examination into his medical records. But in an example of medical malpractice, the doctor hit his knee a little too hard with the hammer and his kneecap instantly flew out of his leg like a frisbee. Doctors looking at the exposed wound found that his bones were entirely made out of metal. The kneecap was also made out of metal. Crumbly was put into an X-ray, where horrified doctors discovered that his entire skeleton was made out of metal.
Crumbly remarked, “To be honest that's probably why I’ve never gotten a broken bone, whenever my arm would bend in a different direction I’d just bend it back into place.”
This revelation led to a second sweep of the screw factory. Where they found more evidence that Crumbly isn’t the only one that had one of these grotesque surgeries. In a filing cabinet they found documents titled, “Ham Man’s wacky experiments” That had lists of names, date of birth, and what had been done to them. Miraculously everyone on the list was alive and were able to be contacted about their experiments, some sent letters to investigators with anecdotes about their life with these conditions.
One victim wrote, “I don’t think that having 5 fully functional hearts is really an ailment, I’ve been able to donate 3 of them and I think that you should find out how they did it instead of putting them to justice. It could help so many people.”
Another victim stated, “I don’t care, Having a retractable knife coming out of my pinky finger has never affected me negatively, I’ve become a master at slicing bread.”
In addition, they found a VHS tape in the bathroom of the factory. The contents are still being extracted, but when they are they will be posted for your viewing.
The investigation is still ongoing, as more information is uncovered law enforcement will update the situation.
