"Because unless all men start cutting ties with their predatory friends and standing with survivors, until all men start shutting down even the tiniest hint of locker room talk, until all men start protecting all women, then all men are part of the problem."
--Frankie ettinger, 11th grade
TW: violence against women.
The day Sarah Everard was found dead, I didn’t leave my house. I couldn’t stop thinking about how she did what every woman is told to do and she was still murdered. And I still can’t stop thinking about how almost all my male friends and mutuals have been silent surrounding this issue, making me wonder if they truly care.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Sarah Everard case, Sarah Everard was a woman from the UK who went missing while walking home and was found dead a few days later. She was kidnapped and murdered by a police officer. Her murder raised a large conversation surrounding violence against women, sexual assault, and our general lack of safety as women. It also raised a conversation surrounding victim blaming and the disappointing lack of solidarity from men.
Before I get into the details of Sarah’s case and my anger surrounding it, I want to go over some statistics. In the UK, where Sarah was from, 86% of women ages 18 - 24 will face sexual harassment. In the whole world, about 1 in 3 women will experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime. These numbers are staggering, and they are ingrained in my mind. These numbers are the reason why the phrase “not all men” angers me. Because when us women talk about our fear and experiences with something as simple as walking home, we have these statistics in mind. Obviously not all men will sexually harass or assault a woman, but almost every single woman will be harassed or assaulted. Every single woman has reason to be afraid of men she doesn’t know.
The day Sarah Everard was found dead, I didn’t leave my house. I couldn’t stop thinking about how she did what every woman is told to do and she was still murdered. And I still can’t stop thinking about how almost all my male friends and mutuals have been silent surrounding this issue, making me wonder if they truly care.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Sarah Everard case, Sarah Everard was a woman from the UK who went missing while walking home and was found dead a few days later. She was kidnapped and murdered by a police officer. Her murder raised a large conversation surrounding violence against women, sexual assault, and our general lack of safety as women. It also raised a conversation surrounding victim blaming and the disappointing lack of solidarity from men.
Before I get into the details of Sarah’s case and my anger surrounding it, I want to go over some statistics. In the UK, where Sarah was from, 86% of women ages 18 - 24 will face sexual harassment. In the whole world, about 1 in 3 women will experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime. These numbers are staggering, and they are ingrained in my mind. These numbers are the reason why the phrase “not all men” angers me. Because when us women talk about our fear and experiences with something as simple as walking home, we have these statistics in mind. Obviously not all men will sexually harass or assault a woman, but almost every single woman will be harassed or assaulted. Every single woman has reason to be afraid of men she doesn’t know.
I think of the phrase “not all men” as the brother of victim blaming. “Not all men” attempts to erase our anger, and victim blaming tells us our anger is our own fault. Those are the two phrases I most often hear from men when a woman comes forward about sexual harassment or assault. Those are the phrases I hear when we talk about Sarah Everard and how scared it makes us to go outside. “Not all men” is a strange phrase to me, because it really is all men. All men benefit from the patriarchy. All men have the ability to ignore violence against women and pretend it doesn’t happen. And when I’m alone, I’m afraid of all men even though not all of them will hurt me. I don’t know which ones are harmless, so I have to be cautious.
I see men victim blaming Sarah Everard on social media. I see them listing all of the things she should’ve done, as if being murdered was her own fault. And the terrifying thing is, Sarah did all the things I do and other women do to stay safe. She talked on the phone, she walked on a public street, she wore bright clothes. We have a list of things to do to ease our worries, to make us the tiniest bit safer. And it is not lost on me that a police officer murdered Sarah, so to any man who says, “why didn’t she just call the police?” in response to these stories, this is why. We don’t trust them. We can’t.
I see women talking all about those issues mentioned above on social media. Most faced some sort of sexual harassment or violence. What I don’t see is men talking about these issues and that makes me angry. Women don’t have to come forward about these things, we chose to keep each other safe and show solidarity with each other. But you know what? Men have to talk about these things. I don’t care if it makes you uncomfortable. Because unless all men start cutting ties with their predatory friends and standing with survivors, until all men start shutting down even the tiniest hint of locker room talk, until all men start protecting all women, then all men are part of the problem. Men, this is your problem to fix, not ours.
I see men victim blaming Sarah Everard on social media. I see them listing all of the things she should’ve done, as if being murdered was her own fault. And the terrifying thing is, Sarah did all the things I do and other women do to stay safe. She talked on the phone, she walked on a public street, she wore bright clothes. We have a list of things to do to ease our worries, to make us the tiniest bit safer. And it is not lost on me that a police officer murdered Sarah, so to any man who says, “why didn’t she just call the police?” in response to these stories, this is why. We don’t trust them. We can’t.
I see women talking all about those issues mentioned above on social media. Most faced some sort of sexual harassment or violence. What I don’t see is men talking about these issues and that makes me angry. Women don’t have to come forward about these things, we chose to keep each other safe and show solidarity with each other. But you know what? Men have to talk about these things. I don’t care if it makes you uncomfortable. Because unless all men start cutting ties with their predatory friends and standing with survivors, until all men start shutting down even the tiniest hint of locker room talk, until all men start protecting all women, then all men are part of the problem. Men, this is your problem to fix, not ours.
Sarah Everard, 1987-2021. Rest in peace.
