"which of your favorite actors or actresses are secretly fish? Let’s find out. " -- Alex Stullman, 8th Grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
You’ve heard the average conspiracy theory: the satanic cults, the lizard people. But here’s something you’ve only heard in deep hallucinations—something that’s actually completely true, backed by science, and until now, was under deep restrictions by the government.
You see, there is a species of fish—the Mother Fish—that’s invading our world through the screen. So which of your favorite actors or actresses are secretly fish? Let’s find out.
First off is Margot Robbie. This celebrity has played a wide variety of iconic characters, including Harley Quinn and Barbie. But she is, and I repeat, a fish.
But how? How is this fantastically talented actress a fish? Well, I ask you this: have you ever seen the 2009 film Megamind? The character Minion perfectly shows how this fish celebrity works. A fish gains incredible genius, creates a human-shaped robot, then mechanically operates it from a very cozy room in the cranium. The entire body is a home in which the Mother Fish can inhabit.
Coincidentally, Robbie was pitted against another fish in the summer of 2023, when the movies Barbie and Oppenheimer both came out on June 21st. This is because Cillian Murphy is also a fish. I don’t know how people didn’t know that because he definitely looks like one. The fish who lives behind his eyes is not very smart, studies show. That’s why he made Murphy look like a man with a heavy spray tan and botox, without ever having either procedure. Bro looks weird.
Number three is a real shocker, but then again, is it really? Halle Bailey, one of the most beautiful women in the world, who sparked “controversy” with racists when she took the screen as the amazing live-action Ariel in the not-so amazing live-action Little Mermaid, is one of these fishes. The makers of the live action Little Mermaid were perplexed when Bailey insisted she film the underwater singing scenes actually underwater. Herbert Dinkleschwabber, one of the CGI artists on the film (who was later fired for performance), expressed his thoughts, “[Bailey] had a shouting match with the director, yelling at him to let her do the underwater scenes without CGI. It was fine though, because she could breathe and sing just fine. Not sure why no one thought it was weird.” Why didn’t anyone think that was weird, you ask?
There’s actually an answer - no one even blinked when Keanu Reeves could speak to the animals at the aquarium, or when Zendaya would randomly start flopping around on the ground mid-conversation, because of a Nyquil-based gas put in every air-conditioning or heater unit in the world. This concoction, known scientifically as HurgldyBurgldy, has been keeping regular humans from using common sense to realize all these celebrities are actually fish.
If you want to become a MF (Mother Fish) expert, here’s all you need to know. MFs are very skilled engineers when creating their body homes, but just as a talented artist cannot perfectly capture a portrait, they cannot perfectly capture the face of a human. The MF celebrities have certain defining features, such as large eyes, wide set faces, sharp bone structures, and general fishiness. Mr. Joe Biden, the oldest recorded president of the United States, before taking his second nap of the day on April 1st, declared that he would be banning Gagapink in 45 states, including California, since it’s futile and it’s obvious everyone’s a MF anyways. Why, though? Why are they infiltrating our entertainment? Simple. They’re really freaking bored.
You’ve heard the average conspiracy theory: the satanic cults, the lizard people. But here’s something you’ve only heard in deep hallucinations—something that’s actually completely true, backed by science, and until now, was under deep restrictions by the government.
You see, there is a species of fish—the Mother Fish—that’s invading our world through the screen. So which of your favorite actors or actresses are secretly fish? Let’s find out.
First off is Margot Robbie. This celebrity has played a wide variety of iconic characters, including Harley Quinn and Barbie. But she is, and I repeat, a fish.
But how? How is this fantastically talented actress a fish? Well, I ask you this: have you ever seen the 2009 film Megamind? The character Minion perfectly shows how this fish celebrity works. A fish gains incredible genius, creates a human-shaped robot, then mechanically operates it from a very cozy room in the cranium. The entire body is a home in which the Mother Fish can inhabit.
Coincidentally, Robbie was pitted against another fish in the summer of 2023, when the movies Barbie and Oppenheimer both came out on June 21st. This is because Cillian Murphy is also a fish. I don’t know how people didn’t know that because he definitely looks like one. The fish who lives behind his eyes is not very smart, studies show. That’s why he made Murphy look like a man with a heavy spray tan and botox, without ever having either procedure. Bro looks weird.
Number three is a real shocker, but then again, is it really? Halle Bailey, one of the most beautiful women in the world, who sparked “controversy” with racists when she took the screen as the amazing live-action Ariel in the not-so amazing live-action Little Mermaid, is one of these fishes. The makers of the live action Little Mermaid were perplexed when Bailey insisted she film the underwater singing scenes actually underwater. Herbert Dinkleschwabber, one of the CGI artists on the film (who was later fired for performance), expressed his thoughts, “[Bailey] had a shouting match with the director, yelling at him to let her do the underwater scenes without CGI. It was fine though, because she could breathe and sing just fine. Not sure why no one thought it was weird.” Why didn’t anyone think that was weird, you ask?
There’s actually an answer - no one even blinked when Keanu Reeves could speak to the animals at the aquarium, or when Zendaya would randomly start flopping around on the ground mid-conversation, because of a Nyquil-based gas put in every air-conditioning or heater unit in the world. This concoction, known scientifically as HurgldyBurgldy, has been keeping regular humans from using common sense to realize all these celebrities are actually fish.
If you want to become a MF (Mother Fish) expert, here’s all you need to know. MFs are very skilled engineers when creating their body homes, but just as a talented artist cannot perfectly capture a portrait, they cannot perfectly capture the face of a human. The MF celebrities have certain defining features, such as large eyes, wide set faces, sharp bone structures, and general fishiness. Mr. Joe Biden, the oldest recorded president of the United States, before taking his second nap of the day on April 1st, declared that he would be banning Gagapink in 45 states, including California, since it’s futile and it’s obvious everyone’s a MF anyways. Why, though? Why are they infiltrating our entertainment? Simple. They’re really freaking bored.
Some other noteworthy MFs include:
