"Bread has played a big role in history. From bread becoming the first tasty food, to being responsible for the downfall of Rome, to starting the French Revolution, bread is amazing and Now it can vote." -- Elias Yuasa, 7th Grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
Bread has played a big role in history. From bread becoming the first tasty food, to being responsible for the downfall of Rome, to starting the French Revolution, bread is amazing. However whilst bread has been a part of the world for almost as long as humans, it has entered a new age recently. Moving on from feeding your families and being cheap food, bread can now become a citizen, allowing them to run for office, pay taxes, vote, and more.
Several pieces of bread are now a part of the U.S. Senate. These pieces of bread include: Bread Pitt, Wheatney Houston, Doughlly Parton, Pita Dinklage, and, back from the dead, Edgar Allan Dough. One of the most notable pieces of bread is Ronald Ryegan who thinks, “America deserves butter than our current presidential candidates,” and is currently running for office with campaign posters promising that he “will rye-se to the occasion.” However some voters are scared of the bread uprising, as their power begins to show more of a threat.
Currently bread has control over both Antarctica and the moon, both places previously impossible to control. But bread did it, somehow. They have also begun taking down countries that pose a threat to their empire. As shown by India, and New Zealand being conquered by the ever growing bread empire. With bread securing places in government across the globe like with the Grand Duke of Luxembourg, Henrye and the prime minister of Canada Justin Trudough, the threat is becoming all too real.
By controlling the supply of so many foods, most countries are forced to back away from political issues posed by bread, accepting their fate. This could mean detrimental tax increases, longer hours for farmers, and possibly the end of potatoes. Luckily there is a bright side. Since bread has taken over, the global economy is looking better, but this stability may not last forever as an increase in ergot (a wheat killing fungus) has already become a possibility.
Some humans question how we got here, and to that our soon to be bread overlords say,
“We have been your sustenance for millenia and have slowly been becoming more powerful with the evolution of farming. We set the scene for us to conquer, after weakening your lands with our deliciousness, now that we have grained ultimate power.”
We have also discovered that several parts of our economy were being controlled by bread even before this uprising. Several of the top 1% have been proven to have used bread to succeed. From Warren Buffett using bread to manipulate the stock market, to Oprah Winfrey using bread to get people hooked on her show, they have all used bread to gain their power with Oprah Winfrey even going on TV to say, “I. Love. BREAD! ” But now bread will use them to elevate their power, raising the bread empire to new extremes, allowing them to control the digital and physical world. With the entire world under their control the end appears to be near. Also, Bob’s cat did a flip.
Bread has played a big role in history. From bread becoming the first tasty food, to being responsible for the downfall of Rome, to starting the French Revolution, bread is amazing. However whilst bread has been a part of the world for almost as long as humans, it has entered a new age recently. Moving on from feeding your families and being cheap food, bread can now become a citizen, allowing them to run for office, pay taxes, vote, and more.
Several pieces of bread are now a part of the U.S. Senate. These pieces of bread include: Bread Pitt, Wheatney Houston, Doughlly Parton, Pita Dinklage, and, back from the dead, Edgar Allan Dough. One of the most notable pieces of bread is Ronald Ryegan who thinks, “America deserves butter than our current presidential candidates,” and is currently running for office with campaign posters promising that he “will rye-se to the occasion.” However some voters are scared of the bread uprising, as their power begins to show more of a threat.
Currently bread has control over both Antarctica and the moon, both places previously impossible to control. But bread did it, somehow. They have also begun taking down countries that pose a threat to their empire. As shown by India, and New Zealand being conquered by the ever growing bread empire. With bread securing places in government across the globe like with the Grand Duke of Luxembourg, Henrye and the prime minister of Canada Justin Trudough, the threat is becoming all too real.
By controlling the supply of so many foods, most countries are forced to back away from political issues posed by bread, accepting their fate. This could mean detrimental tax increases, longer hours for farmers, and possibly the end of potatoes. Luckily there is a bright side. Since bread has taken over, the global economy is looking better, but this stability may not last forever as an increase in ergot (a wheat killing fungus) has already become a possibility.
Some humans question how we got here, and to that our soon to be bread overlords say,
“We have been your sustenance for millenia and have slowly been becoming more powerful with the evolution of farming. We set the scene for us to conquer, after weakening your lands with our deliciousness, now that we have grained ultimate power.”
We have also discovered that several parts of our economy were being controlled by bread even before this uprising. Several of the top 1% have been proven to have used bread to succeed. From Warren Buffett using bread to manipulate the stock market, to Oprah Winfrey using bread to get people hooked on her show, they have all used bread to gain their power with Oprah Winfrey even going on TV to say, “I. Love. BREAD! ” But now bread will use them to elevate their power, raising the bread empire to new extremes, allowing them to control the digital and physical world. With the entire world under their control the end appears to be near. Also, Bob’s cat did a flip.
