"It is absolutely, one-hundred percent certain that Selena Gomez, The Selena Gomez, is madly head-over-heels crazy in love with you."--Naomi west & Halia Pratt, 6th Grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
Your life is full of uncertainty. You wake up each morning, uncertain of whether or not you're still alive or if you died in the night and are a ghost. You eat your breakfast uncertain of whether or not it even tastes good. You walk to the bathroom uncertain of whether you will floss like your dentist recommended. You get in your car, hop on your bike, or walk down the street uncertain of whether or not you will die in a horrific car accident on that one really busy intersection, and everyone will just think your dead body is roadkill and no one will know that you died.
With all the uncertainty in this world you deserve something certain—a rock-solid, cold hard fact. And we have one for you: It is absolutely, one-hundred percent certain that Selena Gomez, The Selena Gomez, is madly head-over-heels crazy in love with you. You're probably thinking, “That's crazy, I’m nobody, Selena Gomez doesn’t even know or care who I am.” Well you're wrong. Selena Gomez is secretly in love with you, and here's why.
Before we give you the very solid reasons why Selena Gomez is secretly in love with you, we wanted to understand you a little bit more, so we could help you to understand. To do this we decided to interview Selena Gomez super fan: Alex Stullman. When I asked Stullman if he was down on his luck, a sad look came across his face and he hung his head. “Yes,” he said, depressingly. We were concerned so we asked a question that we hadn't written down.
“What would make you feel better?” we asked.
He looked up with hope in his eyes. “Selena Gomez,'' he said emotionally. That's when we knew that this article was a necessity. We asked Stullman what his favorite thing about Selena Gomez is and he replied, “probably her personality, she seems like a really fun person to be around.” Well, Stullman sure is right about that. Selena Gomez is an extremely fun person to be around, and if you follow the advice in our very simple article it is our guarantee that you and Selena Gomez will have your happily ever after.
The way to the heart is through the stomach, and Selena Gomez is trying to make her way to your heart with her cooking. She is so in love with you that she started a cooking show for you. She started it in 2020 and named it “Selena + Chef” so she can document her cooking progress and her skills to make sure she can cook for you whenever you need her. This show has gone on for four whole seasons because she is persistent in making sure you notice her one day. After all, that’s all she wants. She wants to make you some wonderful meals because she loves you so much. All she wants in life is for you to be in love with her like she is with you. She wants you to look at your TV, drift into her eyes, and fall madly in love.
Gomez even skipped the Met Gala because she was heartbroken that you haven't noticed her. She wishes you would have asked her to attend the Met Gala with you. You probably think that this is unreasonable because you didn’t even think she knew you existed but it's not.Love is scary and sometimes you have to take a chance, so the next time Selena Gomez is invited to a celebrity event my advice would be to sneak into it, and run up to Selena Gomez at top speed so she will notice you. She will certainly appreciate this gesture because it shows that you care about her and recognize her love and that you're willing to do something brave and daring to show that.
She has a song called “I love you like a love song baby” because she loves you so much and she wants you to know. She thought that if you heard her song you would realize that she is the one for you. She sings,“you are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible, a centerfold miracle, lyrical,” which is clearly a reference to how much she loves you and how highly she thinks of you. This song was released in 2011, which just goes to show how deep her obsession with you goes. If this was anyone else it would be considered creepy stalking, but it’s Selena Gomez so it's fine.
In a Youtube video titled, “My AMA Diary,” Gomez says she wishes people knew her heart. She wants you to notice all her amazing qualities like her kindness and her beauty. It would mean the world to her if you made public videos confessing your love for her as well. She wants you to know her heart because she wants you to know she loves you, and for you to love her back. She even says in an interview that she wishes her fans “would love me like I love them, I just love my fans so much.”
Now that you know Selena Gomez is in love with you, what should you do? Talk to her, obviously! You and Selena Gomez are meant to be, she knows it and now you do too, so reach out to her so you can spend the rest of your lives together.
Your life is full of uncertainty. You wake up each morning, uncertain of whether or not you're still alive or if you died in the night and are a ghost. You eat your breakfast uncertain of whether or not it even tastes good. You walk to the bathroom uncertain of whether you will floss like your dentist recommended. You get in your car, hop on your bike, or walk down the street uncertain of whether or not you will die in a horrific car accident on that one really busy intersection, and everyone will just think your dead body is roadkill and no one will know that you died.
With all the uncertainty in this world you deserve something certain—a rock-solid, cold hard fact. And we have one for you: It is absolutely, one-hundred percent certain that Selena Gomez, The Selena Gomez, is madly head-over-heels crazy in love with you. You're probably thinking, “That's crazy, I’m nobody, Selena Gomez doesn’t even know or care who I am.” Well you're wrong. Selena Gomez is secretly in love with you, and here's why.
Before we give you the very solid reasons why Selena Gomez is secretly in love with you, we wanted to understand you a little bit more, so we could help you to understand. To do this we decided to interview Selena Gomez super fan: Alex Stullman. When I asked Stullman if he was down on his luck, a sad look came across his face and he hung his head. “Yes,” he said, depressingly. We were concerned so we asked a question that we hadn't written down.
“What would make you feel better?” we asked.
He looked up with hope in his eyes. “Selena Gomez,'' he said emotionally. That's when we knew that this article was a necessity. We asked Stullman what his favorite thing about Selena Gomez is and he replied, “probably her personality, she seems like a really fun person to be around.” Well, Stullman sure is right about that. Selena Gomez is an extremely fun person to be around, and if you follow the advice in our very simple article it is our guarantee that you and Selena Gomez will have your happily ever after.
The way to the heart is through the stomach, and Selena Gomez is trying to make her way to your heart with her cooking. She is so in love with you that she started a cooking show for you. She started it in 2020 and named it “Selena + Chef” so she can document her cooking progress and her skills to make sure she can cook for you whenever you need her. This show has gone on for four whole seasons because she is persistent in making sure you notice her one day. After all, that’s all she wants. She wants to make you some wonderful meals because she loves you so much. All she wants in life is for you to be in love with her like she is with you. She wants you to look at your TV, drift into her eyes, and fall madly in love.
Gomez even skipped the Met Gala because she was heartbroken that you haven't noticed her. She wishes you would have asked her to attend the Met Gala with you. You probably think that this is unreasonable because you didn’t even think she knew you existed but it's not.Love is scary and sometimes you have to take a chance, so the next time Selena Gomez is invited to a celebrity event my advice would be to sneak into it, and run up to Selena Gomez at top speed so she will notice you. She will certainly appreciate this gesture because it shows that you care about her and recognize her love and that you're willing to do something brave and daring to show that.
She has a song called “I love you like a love song baby” because she loves you so much and she wants you to know. She thought that if you heard her song you would realize that she is the one for you. She sings,“you are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible, a centerfold miracle, lyrical,” which is clearly a reference to how much she loves you and how highly she thinks of you. This song was released in 2011, which just goes to show how deep her obsession with you goes. If this was anyone else it would be considered creepy stalking, but it’s Selena Gomez so it's fine.
In a Youtube video titled, “My AMA Diary,” Gomez says she wishes people knew her heart. She wants you to notice all her amazing qualities like her kindness and her beauty. It would mean the world to her if you made public videos confessing your love for her as well. She wants you to know her heart because she wants you to know she loves you, and for you to love her back. She even says in an interview that she wishes her fans “would love me like I love them, I just love my fans so much.”
Now that you know Selena Gomez is in love with you, what should you do? Talk to her, obviously! You and Selena Gomez are meant to be, she knows it and now you do too, so reach out to her so you can spend the rest of your lives together.
