"We’ve all heard of Taylor Swift. We’ve also heard of her slightly terrifying fans, Swifties, who turn cutthroat as soon as you have a different opinion than them. But what happens when over 100 million people around the world are Swifties?" -- Amara Deanes, 6th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
We’ve all heard of Taylor Swift. We’ve also heard of her slightly terrifying fans, Swifties, who turn cutthroat as soon as you have a different opinion than them. But what happens when over 100 million people around the world are Swifties?
On April 19th, when her new album, The Tortured Poets Department, released, chaos ensued. All music streaming platforms, even the most illegal, underground ones, collapsed. Since there was a huge amount of traffic, the websites couldn’t process and glitched out.
One Swiftie, who wanted to remain anonymous, said, “Spotify should’ve known this would happen. It’s not Taylor’s fault streaming platforms weren’t ready for her greatness. Luckily I bought the vinyl of the album, except I don’t have a record player. I mostly bought it for the album cover.”
So now, we have no music streaming platforms and radio stations couldn’t be happier. People are forced to listen to radio stations in their car, or drive in silence. If they’re lucky, they may even have a CD or record player.
This isn’t just affecting Swifties. No music fan can stream their favorite songs and albums. “This is the Swifties’ fault. If they could’ve waited a couple hours, then we wouldn’t have this problem. Now I’m forced to find a radio station, which is way too much work,” complained an angry music lover.
As usual when something happens on the internet, there are conspiracy theories and superstitions floating around Reddit threads. From witchcraft to cults, people are putting blame on Swift for the whole thing. “I say there’s a reason for everything. Perhaps Taylor Swift planned this from the beginning. Become a worldwide pop sensation, create a cult, then command that cult to break the internet and send us back to the dark ages. This is only the beginning,” someone commented on a Reddit thread discussing the collapse.
Swift has not yet commented on the issue. Swifties speculate that she is staying silent because of her anxiety of being ridiculed for her response. “She’s really insecure because of all the fame. We need to defend her!” commented one Swiftie on a Tik Tok claiming that Swift started it all.
However, not everyone is angry. An avid record collector said, “I feel as though I’m so lucky to be a continuous record collector. Now I can finally put them to use. It’s like I was preparing for the music streaming platform apocalypse my whole life. I’d call it money well spent.”
But, when it comes to listening to music outside of the car or house, there’s almost no way to do so. Now that portable music players have gone out of fashion, listening to music at school or while doing school work is mostly impossible.
We’re all waiting for music streaming platforms to sort this out. As of date, only SoundCloud has come back online. Spotify has sent a notice to all users that they may never come back due to complications. Is this worth the fame, Taylor?
On April 19th, when her new album, The Tortured Poets Department, released, chaos ensued. All music streaming platforms, even the most illegal, underground ones, collapsed. Since there was a huge amount of traffic, the websites couldn’t process and glitched out.
One Swiftie, who wanted to remain anonymous, said, “Spotify should’ve known this would happen. It’s not Taylor’s fault streaming platforms weren’t ready for her greatness. Luckily I bought the vinyl of the album, except I don’t have a record player. I mostly bought it for the album cover.”
So now, we have no music streaming platforms and radio stations couldn’t be happier. People are forced to listen to radio stations in their car, or drive in silence. If they’re lucky, they may even have a CD or record player.
This isn’t just affecting Swifties. No music fan can stream their favorite songs and albums. “This is the Swifties’ fault. If they could’ve waited a couple hours, then we wouldn’t have this problem. Now I’m forced to find a radio station, which is way too much work,” complained an angry music lover.
As usual when something happens on the internet, there are conspiracy theories and superstitions floating around Reddit threads. From witchcraft to cults, people are putting blame on Swift for the whole thing. “I say there’s a reason for everything. Perhaps Taylor Swift planned this from the beginning. Become a worldwide pop sensation, create a cult, then command that cult to break the internet and send us back to the dark ages. This is only the beginning,” someone commented on a Reddit thread discussing the collapse.
Swift has not yet commented on the issue. Swifties speculate that she is staying silent because of her anxiety of being ridiculed for her response. “She’s really insecure because of all the fame. We need to defend her!” commented one Swiftie on a Tik Tok claiming that Swift started it all.
However, not everyone is angry. An avid record collector said, “I feel as though I’m so lucky to be a continuous record collector. Now I can finally put them to use. It’s like I was preparing for the music streaming platform apocalypse my whole life. I’d call it money well spent.”
But, when it comes to listening to music outside of the car or house, there’s almost no way to do so. Now that portable music players have gone out of fashion, listening to music at school or while doing school work is mostly impossible.
We’re all waiting for music streaming platforms to sort this out. As of date, only SoundCloud has come back online. Spotify has sent a notice to all users that they may never come back due to complications. Is this worth the fame, Taylor?
