"With any luck, a Christmas special is ostentatiously decorated with the combined holiday sections of every Joanne’s in the country and a generous helping of random celebrity appearances." -- Charlie S
Are you really an icon if you don’t have your own Christmas special? Despite the fact that a good Christmas special requires no talent--just an open-hearted appreciation for flashy kitsch, nostalgia factor, and mediocre sketch comedy--they have an undeniable appeal. Why else would you sit down for forty minutes and watch a sappy Christian variety hour?
From Cher performing a cheese-ball jazz rendition of "Santa Baby" with the most boring band in the world, The Hudson Sisters, to Eva and Adele-esque sketches featuring Rupaul and her posse of holiday queens, to Lawrence Welk awkwardly holding a microphone up to a group of talentless mid-western children struggling their way through "The 12 Days of Christmas", there are enough Christmas specials to fill the whole year--much less just one measly month of December.
Today, however, we’re going to focus on my personal favorites. With any luck, a Christmas special is ostentatiously decorated with the combined holiday sections of every Joanne’s in the country, and a generous helping of random celebrity appearances. They should be bordering on mortifying in their lack of artistic merit and sincere enough to make you pause the mocking, and actually feel the holiday spirit. But just a little bit. Now back to the mocking.
CHER CHRISTMAS SHOW -- 1975
This one is for the enduring Cher fans. It is certainly not a good Christmas Special, but there’s something about Cher’s low and steady voice singing Christmas medleys in a candy apple green evening gown that just gets me going. The appearances of her daughter are strange and awkward, her guests are a random and ridiculous accruement of cable burnouts, and the jokes fall flatter than a Walmart parking lot. But there’s something kind of raw about it. It’s Cher’s first special since divorcing Sonny, and her relationship with her daughter is a little stilted and misplaced in all of the glitz and glamour. But through it all Cher is...well, Cher. She--and her outfits--sparkle through this sufficiently weird Christmas special.
From Cher performing a cheese-ball jazz rendition of "Santa Baby" with the most boring band in the world, The Hudson Sisters, to Eva and Adele-esque sketches featuring Rupaul and her posse of holiday queens, to Lawrence Welk awkwardly holding a microphone up to a group of talentless mid-western children struggling their way through "The 12 Days of Christmas", there are enough Christmas specials to fill the whole year--much less just one measly month of December.
Today, however, we’re going to focus on my personal favorites. With any luck, a Christmas special is ostentatiously decorated with the combined holiday sections of every Joanne’s in the country, and a generous helping of random celebrity appearances. They should be bordering on mortifying in their lack of artistic merit and sincere enough to make you pause the mocking, and actually feel the holiday spirit. But just a little bit. Now back to the mocking.
CHER CHRISTMAS SHOW -- 1975
This one is for the enduring Cher fans. It is certainly not a good Christmas Special, but there’s something about Cher’s low and steady voice singing Christmas medleys in a candy apple green evening gown that just gets me going. The appearances of her daughter are strange and awkward, her guests are a random and ridiculous accruement of cable burnouts, and the jokes fall flatter than a Walmart parking lot. But there’s something kind of raw about it. It’s Cher’s first special since divorcing Sonny, and her relationship with her daughter is a little stilted and misplaced in all of the glitz and glamour. But through it all Cher is...well, Cher. She--and her outfits--sparkle through this sufficiently weird Christmas special.
DEAN MARTIN CHRISTMAS SHOW -- 1968
In this special, Dean Martin is like the kinda sleazy, kinda drunk, totally charming dad you always secretly wanted but would hate if you actually had. He swaggers, smokes, croons and laughs his way through this special, which features red and green go-go girls, all of the old-fashioned tacky Christmas glitz you could want, and the creepiest Santa masks you’ll ever see in your life: all culminating into a mildly naughty Norman Rockwell fantasy. Is it chauvinistic and entirely white--in predictable 1968 fashion? Absolutely. Is it also flashy, nostalgic, and just sincere enough for you to fall in love with it? Yes!
RUPAUL'S CHRISTMAS BALL -- 1994
When I found this candy-colored 90s gem, I couldn’t believe it actually existed. While it seems to be shot with the same camera that shot all the porn in the second half of Boogie Nights, the quality of everything else is HIGH. It has a list of celebrity guests that makes Outside Lands look like Porchfest--from Eartha Kitt to Elton John to Nirvana! Some of the sketches are lovable duds and some of them are genius. Either way, this Christmas special is totally one of a kind!
A MUPPET'S FAMILY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL -- 1987
While the rest of these specials are partially on this list because of how fun it is to mock them, the Muppet Family Christmas Special is purely heartwarming and sincerely nostalgic. There are no jaded barbs to be made at this fuzzy funny mashup of The Muppets, Sesame Street, and Fraggle Rock. Even the almost sinister plot-line of the Swedish Chef trying to kill and braise Big Bird has a tear-jerkingly cute ending. I’m a sucker for puppets, so this one takes all the irony out of me and just leaves me all toasty! If you want to feel like a kid again, instead of the jaded hipster you probably are, watch this one.
LAWRENCE WELK CHRISTMAS SHOW -- 1966
Lawrence Welk is everything Dean Martin isn’t. He has the blankness of a man with either no personality, or a penchant for serial murder. He either has a speech impediment or a German accent, and doesn’t really know how to hold a mic--and yet for some reason, you love him (or at least love watching him) as he leads what feels like a Mormon talent show with really high production value. Unfortunately I could only find a black and white version of this one on Youtube, so it’s just going to be all the more creepy. Put this on for your Blue Velvet themed holiday party or throw some colored plastic over your tv and then you have an art installation for your senior thesis.
Whether you celebrate the holidays or not, booze up your eggnog, hop on the couch and pull up Youtube. There are so many bizarre and fantastic Christmas Specials at your fingertips!