"It’s 2025, everybody, which means the pigeon takeover is finally upon us." --Maia Cavagnolo, 8th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the best of the campus' fake news.
Click HERE for the original Shallot pigeon takeover article.
In 2023, OSA Shallot journalist Hayley Schoeneman wrote a groundbreaking article on pigeons, OSA, and their planned takeover. Shortly thereafter, scientists worldwide began realizing how much damage these pigeons could do, and immediately started researching. All that research led to one particular finding: they’re planning to attack in 2025. It’s 2025, everybody, which means the pigeon takeover is finally upon us.
According to a New York Times article by Robyn Banks, “In the US, more than 1 billion birds smash into buildings every year.” While most scientists believe it’s simply because birds are stupid, this is not the case. Banks explains that birds, mainly pigeons, are actually very smart.
“Every time they crash, they leave a small weakness for the next bird. The weakness turns into a crack, which then turns into a hole,” Banks says. “It’s like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park.”
An article by Anna Graham backs this up. “The reason so many pigeons fly into windows is because they’re trying to weaken these windows, making them easier to break and the building easier to take over.” It’s almost a good plan, if you ignore the fact that the birds get completely pulverized. At this rate, they’re going to die out before any serious progress is made.
So if that’s the case, why are scientists so worried about this takeover? Well, it actually has to do with OSA. As Scheoneman’s article recounts, in 2023, a group of OSA students managed to snag a page from a pigeon’s notebook. The page was only observations, from which we can infer that the pigeons are invading. But we already knew that, so why does this matter?
After the article was published, it was found out that not only did this paper have observations, but also an impossibly complex pigeon code. “The pigeons suspected people would find their pages, so they encoded their most important information,” says Al Bebak in his article on the topic. The encoded message reads “the attack planned for 2025 is on track. Our building ruse is working. I’ve already recruited thousands more pigeons for our plan, and I’m on the lookout for more.”
This message explains a lot. First of all, it clears up the whole crashing-into-buildings thing: it’s just a red herring. And second, it implies that there are already thousands of pigeons ready to attack, yet they still need more. Amy Stake, in her article about the message, explains this well. “The secret message insinuates that, despite already having thousands of pigeons for this secret project, they need more.” Essentially, the pigeons are planning something big.
So, what could that be? Both experts and everyday people are still debating this topic. In Anne Tagonist’s article, she says that “the pigeons are most likely going to infiltrate a house of government.” Anita Bath, a 7th grade Vocal student, agrees, saying, “It’s what I would do if I were taking over.” Which is slightly suspicious, but we don’t have to think about that too hard.
However, while Bath and Tagonist are sure the pigeons are aiming for a seat of power, a lot of people believe they’re going to start out small. Sixth grade Literary Arts student Paige Turner says, “[Schoeneman’s] article was all about how the pigeons are going to take over OSA, then maybe move onto bigger targets! That’s really the only thing that makes sense.”
Turner is right. According to an article by Missy Lainy, “we only have one piece of evidence that the pigeons are heading for a seat of power—and it’s not very concrete.” In addition, a mysterious comment was posted on the original pigeon article by someone called June. It reads “OSA is one of its many targets. They plan to attack in 2025.”
With that, and all of the evidence in this and Schoeneman’s article, experts conclude that the pigeons are beginning with smaller organizations (like OSA), then moving onto bigger things. So yes, the pigeons are going to attack OSA, and soon. Please, heed our warning. Don’t feed them. Don’t fraternize with them. And whatever you do, don’t let them in.
Click HERE for the original Shallot pigeon takeover article.
In 2023, OSA Shallot journalist Hayley Schoeneman wrote a groundbreaking article on pigeons, OSA, and their planned takeover. Shortly thereafter, scientists worldwide began realizing how much damage these pigeons could do, and immediately started researching. All that research led to one particular finding: they’re planning to attack in 2025. It’s 2025, everybody, which means the pigeon takeover is finally upon us.
According to a New York Times article by Robyn Banks, “In the US, more than 1 billion birds smash into buildings every year.” While most scientists believe it’s simply because birds are stupid, this is not the case. Banks explains that birds, mainly pigeons, are actually very smart.
“Every time they crash, they leave a small weakness for the next bird. The weakness turns into a crack, which then turns into a hole,” Banks says. “It’s like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park.”
An article by Anna Graham backs this up. “The reason so many pigeons fly into windows is because they’re trying to weaken these windows, making them easier to break and the building easier to take over.” It’s almost a good plan, if you ignore the fact that the birds get completely pulverized. At this rate, they’re going to die out before any serious progress is made.
So if that’s the case, why are scientists so worried about this takeover? Well, it actually has to do with OSA. As Scheoneman’s article recounts, in 2023, a group of OSA students managed to snag a page from a pigeon’s notebook. The page was only observations, from which we can infer that the pigeons are invading. But we already knew that, so why does this matter?
After the article was published, it was found out that not only did this paper have observations, but also an impossibly complex pigeon code. “The pigeons suspected people would find their pages, so they encoded their most important information,” says Al Bebak in his article on the topic. The encoded message reads “the attack planned for 2025 is on track. Our building ruse is working. I’ve already recruited thousands more pigeons for our plan, and I’m on the lookout for more.”
This message explains a lot. First of all, it clears up the whole crashing-into-buildings thing: it’s just a red herring. And second, it implies that there are already thousands of pigeons ready to attack, yet they still need more. Amy Stake, in her article about the message, explains this well. “The secret message insinuates that, despite already having thousands of pigeons for this secret project, they need more.” Essentially, the pigeons are planning something big.
So, what could that be? Both experts and everyday people are still debating this topic. In Anne Tagonist’s article, she says that “the pigeons are most likely going to infiltrate a house of government.” Anita Bath, a 7th grade Vocal student, agrees, saying, “It’s what I would do if I were taking over.” Which is slightly suspicious, but we don’t have to think about that too hard.
However, while Bath and Tagonist are sure the pigeons are aiming for a seat of power, a lot of people believe they’re going to start out small. Sixth grade Literary Arts student Paige Turner says, “[Schoeneman’s] article was all about how the pigeons are going to take over OSA, then maybe move onto bigger targets! That’s really the only thing that makes sense.”
Turner is right. According to an article by Missy Lainy, “we only have one piece of evidence that the pigeons are heading for a seat of power—and it’s not very concrete.” In addition, a mysterious comment was posted on the original pigeon article by someone called June. It reads “OSA is one of its many targets. They plan to attack in 2025.”
With that, and all of the evidence in this and Schoeneman’s article, experts conclude that the pigeons are beginning with smaller organizations (like OSA), then moving onto bigger things. So yes, the pigeons are going to attack OSA, and soon. Please, heed our warning. Don’t feed them. Don’t fraternize with them. And whatever you do, don’t let them in.