"Yes, squirrels." --Maia Cavagnolo, 8th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the best of the campus' fake news.
Recently, customers of GrubHub, a popular food delivery company, have been shocked when they find squirrels delivering their dinner. Yes, squirrels. GrubHub has hired roughly 2,570 squirrels to deliver food and are looking for more willing to take jobs. What does this mean for GrubHub? Its customers? The squirrels? THE WORLD???
A lot of customers are excited for this new development. Like Sal Shafter, an 8th grader in Digital Media. Shafter says “I love squirrels so much. For me, this is an excuse to order from GrubHub more.” Equally enthusiastic is 6th grade Production Designer Garry McPherson. “My family is really big on GrubHub, and this only sweetens the deal.” McPherson goes on to say “I’m already friends with all the squirrels who’ve delivered to me!”
However, many GrubHub drivers don’t like the squirrels. According to a survey done by GrubHub, 58% of all drivers disliked the squirrels, and 23% felt hatred towards them. An example is Jashua Marni, a GrubHub deliverer. “I guess it’s good that these squirrels have jobs now, but now I don’t have a job!”
Carolyn Weber, another GrubHub driver, has a very similar opinion. “It’s kind of like how AI is taking people’s jobs. But instead of AI, it’s squirrels,” Weber says.
Even the project manager for GrubHub, Claud McGuire, has some doubts. “Squirrels are known in the animal world for forgetting where they bury their acorns. I was worried our newly hired squirrels would forget where they were supposed to drop off the food.” McGuire goes on to say that there haven't been many cases of this, but he still has “a lot of fear and doubt.”
And it’s true, not many squirrels have gotten lost despite their reputation. An article by Joaqiun Gonzalez explains that “only about 100 out of the 2,570 squirrels hired have been reported to have lost their way.”
“I just don’t know,” McGuire continues. “There are really big pros and really big cons. I mainly hope this won’t make customers mad.”
But a lot of GrubHub customers don’t exactly seem to be happy. “I really don’t like this new squirrel thing. A wild animal near my food? I just think it’s gross,” says a customer who would like to remain anonymous. Deon Harmon, self-proclaimed “GrubHub’s biggest fan” and 8th grader in the Vocal pathway, agrees. “It’s just so gross. And I’m sad because I used to love GrubHub.”
With so much negativity, people are wondering why GrubHub hired the squirrels in the first place. But when we look through the squirrels’ eyes, it makes a lot more sense. Nershin Von Lergenshnoff, one of the squirrels now working for GrubHub, says “I had no way to make money before GrubHub gave me a job offer.” When asked what life without money was like for a squirrel, Von Lergenshnoff said “It wasn’t horrible. I just couldn’t really afford luxuries.”
Smerkin Epplsmerflerper, another GrubHub squirrel, had similar experiences to Von Lergenshnoff. “I had always wanted a blender after trying an acorn smoothie my aunt made. But that really wasn’t an option without money.” Lergenshnoff adds, “I think that’s why so many squirrels are taking jobs. We’ve lived so long without luxuries we’ve forgotten how nice it is to own stuff.”
But not all of the squirrels are supportive of what they are calling the New Way. “We squirrels must go back to the Old Way, the traditional way, the way we’ve been doing it for years!” says Gafflin Heimerplim, champion for the Old Way. “The New Way is simply not right!”
Everyone—squirrels and humans alike—seems to be split evenly. We’ll just have to see how this GrubHub dilemma works itself out.
Recently, customers of GrubHub, a popular food delivery company, have been shocked when they find squirrels delivering their dinner. Yes, squirrels. GrubHub has hired roughly 2,570 squirrels to deliver food and are looking for more willing to take jobs. What does this mean for GrubHub? Its customers? The squirrels? THE WORLD???
A lot of customers are excited for this new development. Like Sal Shafter, an 8th grader in Digital Media. Shafter says “I love squirrels so much. For me, this is an excuse to order from GrubHub more.” Equally enthusiastic is 6th grade Production Designer Garry McPherson. “My family is really big on GrubHub, and this only sweetens the deal.” McPherson goes on to say “I’m already friends with all the squirrels who’ve delivered to me!”
However, many GrubHub drivers don’t like the squirrels. According to a survey done by GrubHub, 58% of all drivers disliked the squirrels, and 23% felt hatred towards them. An example is Jashua Marni, a GrubHub deliverer. “I guess it’s good that these squirrels have jobs now, but now I don’t have a job!”
Carolyn Weber, another GrubHub driver, has a very similar opinion. “It’s kind of like how AI is taking people’s jobs. But instead of AI, it’s squirrels,” Weber says.
Even the project manager for GrubHub, Claud McGuire, has some doubts. “Squirrels are known in the animal world for forgetting where they bury their acorns. I was worried our newly hired squirrels would forget where they were supposed to drop off the food.” McGuire goes on to say that there haven't been many cases of this, but he still has “a lot of fear and doubt.”
And it’s true, not many squirrels have gotten lost despite their reputation. An article by Joaqiun Gonzalez explains that “only about 100 out of the 2,570 squirrels hired have been reported to have lost their way.”
“I just don’t know,” McGuire continues. “There are really big pros and really big cons. I mainly hope this won’t make customers mad.”
But a lot of GrubHub customers don’t exactly seem to be happy. “I really don’t like this new squirrel thing. A wild animal near my food? I just think it’s gross,” says a customer who would like to remain anonymous. Deon Harmon, self-proclaimed “GrubHub’s biggest fan” and 8th grader in the Vocal pathway, agrees. “It’s just so gross. And I’m sad because I used to love GrubHub.”
With so much negativity, people are wondering why GrubHub hired the squirrels in the first place. But when we look through the squirrels’ eyes, it makes a lot more sense. Nershin Von Lergenshnoff, one of the squirrels now working for GrubHub, says “I had no way to make money before GrubHub gave me a job offer.” When asked what life without money was like for a squirrel, Von Lergenshnoff said “It wasn’t horrible. I just couldn’t really afford luxuries.”
Smerkin Epplsmerflerper, another GrubHub squirrel, had similar experiences to Von Lergenshnoff. “I had always wanted a blender after trying an acorn smoothie my aunt made. But that really wasn’t an option without money.” Lergenshnoff adds, “I think that’s why so many squirrels are taking jobs. We’ve lived so long without luxuries we’ve forgotten how nice it is to own stuff.”
But not all of the squirrels are supportive of what they are calling the New Way. “We squirrels must go back to the Old Way, the traditional way, the way we’ve been doing it for years!” says Gafflin Heimerplim, champion for the Old Way. “The New Way is simply not right!”
Everyone—squirrels and humans alike—seems to be split evenly. We’ll just have to see how this GrubHub dilemma works itself out.