"On april 21st, donald trump announced that all locations in the world should expect to have at least 8 billion percent tariffs. on the 27th, he proved true his claim by imposing tariffs on an island in the caribbean called mopion island." --Alice stewart, 6th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
On April 21st, Donald Trump announced that all locations in the world should expect to have at least 8 billion percent tariffs. He had come up with this due to the very complicated mathematical formula x3 times ⅓= y+1-2+1. After realizing that he’d already imposed tariffs everywhere in the world with 150% import charges, he went on Google Street View for 3 days, leaving his 22-year-old tech-bro lackeys in charge of the world’s economy. After three days of helping with Elon’s new Tesla marketing campaign and checking Google Street View, Trump finally realized that Mopion Island was technically its own place, and therefore legally able to be tariffed, on the 26th, and imposed tariffs on the 27th.
Trump had previously announced tariffs on many other places, including an island inhabited only by penguins, but nobody had expected him to go this far. After this shocking news, Shallot reporter Yusu Feikun traveled to the remote island of Mopion to interview its inhabitants. While the plane suffered some “slight” turbulence, the crew made it to Mopion unharmed. At first glance, the small island appeared uninhabited, but closer inspection revealed that the rocks and shells resting on the beach were, in fact, hermit crabs.
One crab begged to be interviewed, stating that it was worried about sending its children to college with the tariffs in place. “It’s just that our coconut business is going down the drain! The stonks are terrible!” While Yusu did not see any coconuts on the island, and was rather concerned that the crab knew the word “stonks,” she was glad to have gotten an interview.
She also attempted to interview the mahi-mahi fish surrounding the island. Her interviewee stated that “Well, um, I mean, um, like, we, um, don’t have to, like, worry about it at all because, like, we, like, aren’t technically on the island, so, like, we can’t be tariffed because, like, the tariff is, like, on the island, so, um, yeah.” Another fish stated that, “Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about the tariffs, similarly to how we don’t have to worry about being found out for our illegal-oh shoot.”
At press time, Mopion Island was being investigated for being the headquarters of a counterfeit money printing business run by several fish.
On April 21st, Donald Trump announced that all locations in the world should expect to have at least 8 billion percent tariffs. He had come up with this due to the very complicated mathematical formula x3 times ⅓= y+1-2+1. After realizing that he’d already imposed tariffs everywhere in the world with 150% import charges, he went on Google Street View for 3 days, leaving his 22-year-old tech-bro lackeys in charge of the world’s economy. After three days of helping with Elon’s new Tesla marketing campaign and checking Google Street View, Trump finally realized that Mopion Island was technically its own place, and therefore legally able to be tariffed, on the 26th, and imposed tariffs on the 27th.
Trump had previously announced tariffs on many other places, including an island inhabited only by penguins, but nobody had expected him to go this far. After this shocking news, Shallot reporter Yusu Feikun traveled to the remote island of Mopion to interview its inhabitants. While the plane suffered some “slight” turbulence, the crew made it to Mopion unharmed. At first glance, the small island appeared uninhabited, but closer inspection revealed that the rocks and shells resting on the beach were, in fact, hermit crabs.
One crab begged to be interviewed, stating that it was worried about sending its children to college with the tariffs in place. “It’s just that our coconut business is going down the drain! The stonks are terrible!” While Yusu did not see any coconuts on the island, and was rather concerned that the crab knew the word “stonks,” she was glad to have gotten an interview.
She also attempted to interview the mahi-mahi fish surrounding the island. Her interviewee stated that “Well, um, I mean, um, like, we, um, don’t have to, like, worry about it at all because, like, we, like, aren’t technically on the island, so, like, we can’t be tariffed because, like, the tariff is, like, on the island, so, um, yeah.” Another fish stated that, “Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about the tariffs, similarly to how we don’t have to worry about being found out for our illegal-oh shoot.”
At press time, Mopion Island was being investigated for being the headquarters of a counterfeit money printing business run by several fish.