Did you go to the Circle Show on March 27? Many did, and loved it! Yet how would these people react if they found out that the Circle Show was actually an ancient ritual to open a black hole? -- Lottie Mills, 6th grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the best of the campus' fake news.
Did you go to the Circle Show on March 27? Many did, and loved it! Yet how would these people react if they found out that the Circle Show was actually an ancient ritual to open a black hole?
This was found to be true when Dr. Bob McBoberson, a researcher at the University for Black Holes and Other Space Stuff (UBHOSS) went to watch the Circle Show. He was amazed until he went to the lab the next day. When he got there, one of his interns was already there, watching a video on ancient summoning rituals. When McBoberson walked by, he noticed something that looked familiar in the video. He asked his intern what the people were doing in the video, and the intern replied that they were doing an ancient ritual for summoning black holes. At once, the researcher knew what had caught his eye. The dance that the people in the video were doing looked exactly like the one he had witnessed at the Circle Show.
McBoberson did some more research on black hole-summoning rituals, and what he found astonished him. First, from ancient accounts of old civilizations,to research papers on rituals, there was overwhelming evidence of the rituals actually working! Second, the black-hole summoning ritual has several parts. Dancing, poem recital, music, and singing are all examples. The most important thing is it all has to be circle themed. Each of the components play a role in summoning the black hole. The dancing winds the thread of stars in and out.. The poems bring people together, strengthening the thread and weaving the circle bigger. The singing and music is so strong that it rips the thread open, creating the gap in reality that we call a black hole. Finally, having everything circle themed restricts the black hole to its shape, preventing it from getting too unconstrained and swallowing everything entirely.
Dr. McBoberson went immediately to the FBI and reported everything he had discovered. The FBI took it from there. They sent an investigator, Miguel Henderson, to look into the school, and there he talked to the people behind the Circle Show. They seemed very afraid, and told him all he needed to know.
“They said they saw the ritual online and thought the things they did in it were cool,” Henderson recalled. “So they decided that the Circle Show should have many components of the ritual added to it.” The FBI reported the Circle Show planners innocent, and didn’t listen to McBoberson’s persistent claims that the rituals actually worked. For a month, the case seemed to be closed.
Then, just a few days ago, people started disappearing from OSA, mostly those who were working behind the scenes at the Fox Theatre. The FBI marked these disappearances as a completely new case, separate from the ritual. Again, they sent the same investigator, Mr Henderson, to The Fox and he came back with astonishing news.
As he looked behind the stage, he “felt this irresistible pull,” the investigator said, and he realized he was looking at a black hole in the middle of the backstage area. The area around it was completely bare, as it looked like the black hole had sucked everything up. Henderson immediately went back to FBI headquarters and related what he had found. He showed them footage from a nearby security camera as proof.
They tried to keep the incident under wraps, but word got out. A Circle Show performer, when questioned about how she felt about the black hole, said “I, like, don’t feel safe. I don’t want to be sucked up by a giant hole!” She then started crying, and we were forced to conclude the interview.
We also interviewed Mr. Oz, the executive director of OSA, who said, “This is a terrible incident that is dangerous for OSA, but it may be a good advertising opportunity…” We decided to leave him to his thoughts, but on the way out I swear I saw a brochure idea that he was sketching that was imprinted with the slogan, Come see the REAL black hole on Telegraph Avenue! We are not responsible for any tourists that get sucked up by the black hole.
Meanwhile, the FBI went back to the UBHOSS and explained everything. McBoberson and his interns immediately went to work trying to contain the black hole and send it back into space far, far away. It seems impossible, but they are holding out hope. In the meantime, all you can do is stay away from that black hole as it gets bigger and bigger…
Did you go to the Circle Show on March 27? Many did, and loved it! Yet how would these people react if they found out that the Circle Show was actually an ancient ritual to open a black hole?
This was found to be true when Dr. Bob McBoberson, a researcher at the University for Black Holes and Other Space Stuff (UBHOSS) went to watch the Circle Show. He was amazed until he went to the lab the next day. When he got there, one of his interns was already there, watching a video on ancient summoning rituals. When McBoberson walked by, he noticed something that looked familiar in the video. He asked his intern what the people were doing in the video, and the intern replied that they were doing an ancient ritual for summoning black holes. At once, the researcher knew what had caught his eye. The dance that the people in the video were doing looked exactly like the one he had witnessed at the Circle Show.
McBoberson did some more research on black hole-summoning rituals, and what he found astonished him. First, from ancient accounts of old civilizations,to research papers on rituals, there was overwhelming evidence of the rituals actually working! Second, the black-hole summoning ritual has several parts. Dancing, poem recital, music, and singing are all examples. The most important thing is it all has to be circle themed. Each of the components play a role in summoning the black hole. The dancing winds the thread of stars in and out.. The poems bring people together, strengthening the thread and weaving the circle bigger. The singing and music is so strong that it rips the thread open, creating the gap in reality that we call a black hole. Finally, having everything circle themed restricts the black hole to its shape, preventing it from getting too unconstrained and swallowing everything entirely.
Dr. McBoberson went immediately to the FBI and reported everything he had discovered. The FBI took it from there. They sent an investigator, Miguel Henderson, to look into the school, and there he talked to the people behind the Circle Show. They seemed very afraid, and told him all he needed to know.
“They said they saw the ritual online and thought the things they did in it were cool,” Henderson recalled. “So they decided that the Circle Show should have many components of the ritual added to it.” The FBI reported the Circle Show planners innocent, and didn’t listen to McBoberson’s persistent claims that the rituals actually worked. For a month, the case seemed to be closed.
Then, just a few days ago, people started disappearing from OSA, mostly those who were working behind the scenes at the Fox Theatre. The FBI marked these disappearances as a completely new case, separate from the ritual. Again, they sent the same investigator, Mr Henderson, to The Fox and he came back with astonishing news.
As he looked behind the stage, he “felt this irresistible pull,” the investigator said, and he realized he was looking at a black hole in the middle of the backstage area. The area around it was completely bare, as it looked like the black hole had sucked everything up. Henderson immediately went back to FBI headquarters and related what he had found. He showed them footage from a nearby security camera as proof.
They tried to keep the incident under wraps, but word got out. A Circle Show performer, when questioned about how she felt about the black hole, said “I, like, don’t feel safe. I don’t want to be sucked up by a giant hole!” She then started crying, and we were forced to conclude the interview.
We also interviewed Mr. Oz, the executive director of OSA, who said, “This is a terrible incident that is dangerous for OSA, but it may be a good advertising opportunity…” We decided to leave him to his thoughts, but on the way out I swear I saw a brochure idea that he was sketching that was imprinted with the slogan, Come see the REAL black hole on Telegraph Avenue! We are not responsible for any tourists that get sucked up by the black hole.
Meanwhile, the FBI went back to the UBHOSS and explained everything. McBoberson and his interns immediately went to work trying to contain the black hole and send it back into space far, far away. It seems impossible, but they are holding out hope. In the meantime, all you can do is stay away from that black hole as it gets bigger and bigger…