"Today, A week ago, ALIENS said they were going to invade but have since then done a 'takies backies,' here are the details," -- Elias Yuasa, 8th Grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
At this point, you’re probably aware of the Aliens who announced that they are going to conquer Earth. Well, update, they said, “Nuh-uh.” That’s right, they don’t want to take over. It’s pretty crazy and if you didn’t know this was happening, it totally was, read this. The invasion was announced today a week ago, but they’ve now changed their minds. Why did they do this? Why should you care? Where do we go from here? Are these questions rhetorical? Why are there so many of them? When will it stop? Can we move on? Yes.
On today of the week, the aliens said, “We, uuuuuuh, change our minds and uuuuuuuuh we won’t be taking over.” That’s great and I’m sure we all respect their decision, but why don’t they want to take over anymore? Who knows, but they did also say, “Like, what the heck, everything is so bad and everyone is so angry. No one here is happy. We want zero part in this. We are, like, totally leaving now.” As you may be able to gather, the reason they don’t want to take over is because everything is so bad and everyone is so angry and they want zero part in this. So why did they even want to take over in the first place?
“It looked cool,” says Mr. Grey Alien Man on the topic of why they’d even want to take over in the first place. “We were chillin around in our spaceship cruising around and then we said ‘oooh,’ followed by some ‘awwww,’ because there was a little blue thing that looked cool so we thought, we should invade that thing. We should invade it now. Then we kind of did. Turns out there’s a bunch of paperwork and stuff that we have to do, plus your planet kind of sucks, like a lot, your planet really sucks. So we’re done and we are leaving. We’re leaving so fast you may not have even known we were here to begin with, but we came to Earth. If you kept up with the news you’d know, we came to Earth.”
As you may be able to gather, they originally wanted to invade because Earth looked cool but now they don’t think it’s all that cool. I’m sure you’re wondering if anything happened because of how fast they changed their minds, if not too bad. People were thrilled when it was said that there was going to be a change in power. Turns out some people aren’t the biggest fans of their leaders but then people were a bit bummed as the Alien changed their minds. Take Bob for example, he said, “My name’s Bob and I’m bummed.” It’s not just Bob though.
Some of the world leaders who would have been losing their jobs also have some thoughts. Xi Jinping said, “These Aliens dudes seemed, like, totally awesome and, honestly, being a dictator is, like, super exhausting. You try to take over Taiwan, every day. It’s tough work, great for some grey dudes though.” On the other hand, people like Donald Trump were very much against the idea saying, “Get these Aliens out of my country,” in a recent interview on immigration.
As you may be able to gather, the Aliens came here, and now they're leaving, I’m definitely not lying, wink, and some people were a bit bummed. This was Earth’s first time being almost invaded, something you should know if you keep up with the news. There’s a possibility that it might happen again. Everyone but Trump is very sad. And Bob’s cat did a front flip.
At this point, you’re probably aware of the Aliens who announced that they are going to conquer Earth. Well, update, they said, “Nuh-uh.” That’s right, they don’t want to take over. It’s pretty crazy and if you didn’t know this was happening, it totally was, read this. The invasion was announced today a week ago, but they’ve now changed their minds. Why did they do this? Why should you care? Where do we go from here? Are these questions rhetorical? Why are there so many of them? When will it stop? Can we move on? Yes.
On today of the week, the aliens said, “We, uuuuuuh, change our minds and uuuuuuuuh we won’t be taking over.” That’s great and I’m sure we all respect their decision, but why don’t they want to take over anymore? Who knows, but they did also say, “Like, what the heck, everything is so bad and everyone is so angry. No one here is happy. We want zero part in this. We are, like, totally leaving now.” As you may be able to gather, the reason they don’t want to take over is because everything is so bad and everyone is so angry and they want zero part in this. So why did they even want to take over in the first place?
“It looked cool,” says Mr. Grey Alien Man on the topic of why they’d even want to take over in the first place. “We were chillin around in our spaceship cruising around and then we said ‘oooh,’ followed by some ‘awwww,’ because there was a little blue thing that looked cool so we thought, we should invade that thing. We should invade it now. Then we kind of did. Turns out there’s a bunch of paperwork and stuff that we have to do, plus your planet kind of sucks, like a lot, your planet really sucks. So we’re done and we are leaving. We’re leaving so fast you may not have even known we were here to begin with, but we came to Earth. If you kept up with the news you’d know, we came to Earth.”
As you may be able to gather, they originally wanted to invade because Earth looked cool but now they don’t think it’s all that cool. I’m sure you’re wondering if anything happened because of how fast they changed their minds, if not too bad. People were thrilled when it was said that there was going to be a change in power. Turns out some people aren’t the biggest fans of their leaders but then people were a bit bummed as the Alien changed their minds. Take Bob for example, he said, “My name’s Bob and I’m bummed.” It’s not just Bob though.
Some of the world leaders who would have been losing their jobs also have some thoughts. Xi Jinping said, “These Aliens dudes seemed, like, totally awesome and, honestly, being a dictator is, like, super exhausting. You try to take over Taiwan, every day. It’s tough work, great for some grey dudes though.” On the other hand, people like Donald Trump were very much against the idea saying, “Get these Aliens out of my country,” in a recent interview on immigration.
As you may be able to gather, the Aliens came here, and now they're leaving, I’m definitely not lying, wink, and some people were a bit bummed. This was Earth’s first time being almost invaded, something you should know if you keep up with the news. There’s a possibility that it might happen again. Everyone but Trump is very sad. And Bob’s cat did a front flip.