"This week, millions of Americans have lined up outside of Burger King's new “supremeiest extra cheesiest super greasiest court” to wait for burgers, fries, and an AK-47" --Lilah Aparton, 7th Grade
The following article is a special May investigation by the OSA Shallot staff, aiming to bring you the very best of the campus' fake news.
This week, millions of Americans have lined up outside of Burger King's new “supremeiest extra cheesiest super greasiest court” to wait for burgers, fries, and an AK-47. Each one will walk out with the name X as their legal name and with face tattoos ranging from “Red bull gives you wings” to “Just do it”, and “Subway: eat fresh”.
As a partnership between Elon Musk and Trump, the Health Department launched a new advertising campaign: if you change your name to X and you get a lifetime supply of cheeseburgers, fries, a MAGA hat, and an AK-47. In honor of this, billboards across the nation now brandish its new slogan, “Merica’s next big thing.” The billboards showcase an image of Trump shooting in the air with a gun in one hand, and a burger in the other with Musk's arm wrapped around him.
In an interview with Fox news, Trump states, “It’s tremendous, and it's America’s next big thing. You’ll feel like a million bucks after changing your name to X, you’ll be winning, winning—you’ll be winning so much you’ll be sick of winning. Anyways the next thing we’re tarrifin.”
“It’s a partnership between us and Burger King, a simple name change can equate to a free AK, a Make America Great Again cap, and plenty of burgers. It’s truly life changing, and such a simple name change can be such a loving sign of patriotism,” Musk adds.
“Everytime I look around I feel frightened, it's scary how anyone can have a weapon of mass murder in the palm of their hand. I can’t see how a president can fail his nation so badly he has to give out burgers, guns, and MAGA hats in order to prevent an uprising,” says blue haired, piercing-wearing far left extremist. One survey from 100 Texas residents in April stated that half would trade their eccentric, left wing starbucks employees for an AK-47.
The project started in 2017, during President Trump’s first term, with the goal to “d̶e̶c̶e̶i̶v̶e̶ nourish and protect the American people.” Of course this was paused when Sleepy Joe got in the middle of things. But in 2025, when Trump got back into office the project was finally completed.
Other projects between 2017-2025 included: Armored MAGA hats, healthcare premium, and the famous, “Deport all 4 year olds with cancer to an El Salvador prison,” campaign, with critics saying “Trump is speedrunning going to hell.”
Braxton Whittaker Jr III, a West Virginia resident, stated, “I love this new thing that Trump started, even though my daughter said, ‘Oh you look crazy, get that face tat removed’ but I love having ‘Red Bull gives you wings’ slapped across my forehead, I feel so patriotic about it. I'm surprised more people don't do this. But I can see those crazy progressive piercing-wearing idiots absolutely refusing an AK and a burger.”
In honor of this event, the U.S. government has launched a national holiday called, “Shoot people for looking at you funny,” where individuals may use their AK-47 and shoot random civilians with no legal repercussions. The holiday is set on the same day as July 4th, the U.S.’s Independence Day, where you can purchase illegal fireworks, terrify all the dogs in the neighborhood, and be glad you didn’t lose a hand.
But there's been some pushback on Trump's campaign, however. “The only food that isn't over $100 is straight american cheese, SErIoUsLY! I remember when a house cost a dime and you could buy the whole economy with $10, and now they try to distract us from inflation with free Burger King,” says 89 year-old Patricia Smith. Clearly the elderly are very disappointed.
Later in an interview with Fox news, Trump says, “Yes, yes, we have many more projects like these to come, it's tremendous and fantastic. We don’t want to spoil too much, but the next big thing we’re doing is tariffing the Moon, Jupiter, Mars, the Underworld, and Pluto.”
This week, millions of Americans have lined up outside of Burger King's new “supremeiest extra cheesiest super greasiest court” to wait for burgers, fries, and an AK-47. Each one will walk out with the name X as their legal name and with face tattoos ranging from “Red bull gives you wings” to “Just do it”, and “Subway: eat fresh”.
As a partnership between Elon Musk and Trump, the Health Department launched a new advertising campaign: if you change your name to X and you get a lifetime supply of cheeseburgers, fries, a MAGA hat, and an AK-47. In honor of this, billboards across the nation now brandish its new slogan, “Merica’s next big thing.” The billboards showcase an image of Trump shooting in the air with a gun in one hand, and a burger in the other with Musk's arm wrapped around him.
In an interview with Fox news, Trump states, “It’s tremendous, and it's America’s next big thing. You’ll feel like a million bucks after changing your name to X, you’ll be winning, winning—you’ll be winning so much you’ll be sick of winning. Anyways the next thing we’re tarrifin.”
“It’s a partnership between us and Burger King, a simple name change can equate to a free AK, a Make America Great Again cap, and plenty of burgers. It’s truly life changing, and such a simple name change can be such a loving sign of patriotism,” Musk adds.
“Everytime I look around I feel frightened, it's scary how anyone can have a weapon of mass murder in the palm of their hand. I can’t see how a president can fail his nation so badly he has to give out burgers, guns, and MAGA hats in order to prevent an uprising,” says blue haired, piercing-wearing far left extremist. One survey from 100 Texas residents in April stated that half would trade their eccentric, left wing starbucks employees for an AK-47.
The project started in 2017, during President Trump’s first term, with the goal to “d̶e̶c̶e̶i̶v̶e̶ nourish and protect the American people.” Of course this was paused when Sleepy Joe got in the middle of things. But in 2025, when Trump got back into office the project was finally completed.
Other projects between 2017-2025 included: Armored MAGA hats, healthcare premium, and the famous, “Deport all 4 year olds with cancer to an El Salvador prison,” campaign, with critics saying “Trump is speedrunning going to hell.”
Braxton Whittaker Jr III, a West Virginia resident, stated, “I love this new thing that Trump started, even though my daughter said, ‘Oh you look crazy, get that face tat removed’ but I love having ‘Red Bull gives you wings’ slapped across my forehead, I feel so patriotic about it. I'm surprised more people don't do this. But I can see those crazy progressive piercing-wearing idiots absolutely refusing an AK and a burger.”
In honor of this event, the U.S. government has launched a national holiday called, “Shoot people for looking at you funny,” where individuals may use their AK-47 and shoot random civilians with no legal repercussions. The holiday is set on the same day as July 4th, the U.S.’s Independence Day, where you can purchase illegal fireworks, terrify all the dogs in the neighborhood, and be glad you didn’t lose a hand.
But there's been some pushback on Trump's campaign, however. “The only food that isn't over $100 is straight american cheese, SErIoUsLY! I remember when a house cost a dime and you could buy the whole economy with $10, and now they try to distract us from inflation with free Burger King,” says 89 year-old Patricia Smith. Clearly the elderly are very disappointed.
Later in an interview with Fox news, Trump says, “Yes, yes, we have many more projects like these to come, it's tremendous and fantastic. We don’t want to spoil too much, but the next big thing we’re doing is tariffing the Moon, Jupiter, Mars, the Underworld, and Pluto.”