"Santa is one of the worst criminal minds the world has ever seen and crazier than that most people don't suspect a thing," -- Elias Yuasa, EIGHTH grade

If you live in one of the 195 countries that celebrate Christmas, you’ve probably heard of Santa Claus, or the Winter Father, or Baby Jesus, or Kris Kingle, or…why does this man have so many aliases? What is he hiding? The answer: he’s a criminal in all 195 countries he visits. That’s right: sweet ol’ St. Nick is one of the worst criminals the world has ever seen, accumulating thousands of criminal charges that you will soon be aware of.
But first, allow us to talk about how he gives you your presents. As most know, Santa leaves gifts inside the homes he visits, but how he enters those homes is far more mysterious. Could it be trespassing perhaps?
Well, according to the Kann California Law Group, to be convicted of trespassing, the prosecutor must prove the following beyond a reasonable doubt: you entered the property willingly, you entered without consent, stayed without consent, and remained until removal.
Now, Santa definitely willfully enters the houses he visits, but the tradition of sending letters to Santa saves the jolly fellow here. This tradition usually involves wishing for things, according to The United States Postal Office. Most of these wishes require Santa to enter the homes of the people wishing. This essentially gives the criminal scum consent to enter their properties, making it legal.
Though even for people who don’t send letters to Santa, he can’t be arrested for trespassing. This due to the fact that he leaves and doesn’t remain until removal. That makes it double legal, but Santa isn’t in the clear yet.
To get to all those houses and homes Santa has to go through lots of countries, countries that your pal Santa is entering without showing a passport or visa. You may argue that he does show a passport and a visa; you just don’t see it. But if that were true, there’s no way he could deliver so many presents in just one night. With the average wait time for going through international customs being 17 minutes and 53 seconds according to Upgreded Points, that would be just over 58 hours in customs, which is more than the one night Santa has, if you didn’t know.
You might also say some other excuse like, “he doesn’t need a passport or visa,” since you love Santa, and don’t believe him to be a criminal but you’re wrong. United Airlines, Blade, and US Customs and Border Protection all say it, explaining that you have to show a passport and/or visa when entering a country, no matter what. Don’t worry though that’s not the only crime the jolly “saint” has committed.
St. Nicholas is also guilty of animal cruelty. That’s right the conditions those reindeers are under are very illegal. “Considering that the surface of the Earth extends over 510.1 million square kilometers, Santa must travel at a speed of 16,451,612 kilometers per hour to cover every last corner of the world in the 31 hours at his disposal,” says Aero Time. That’s about 10,222,558 miles an hour or about Mach 15,489 or 15,489 times the speed of sound! Considering that the New York Times has evidence that TOPGUN pilots going just Mach 10 experience brain damage, just think of how messed up those reindeer’s heads are.
Now according to the Kann California Law Group, to be convicted of animal cruelty, “the prosecution must prove the following beyond a reasonable doubt: You carried any domestic animal, or caused an animal to be carried, in a vehicle in a cruel or inhumane manner or you permitted an animal to be subjected to unnecessary torture, suffering, or cruelty.” With all nine reindeer having to travel at such high speeds for 31 hours straight, it can’t be enjoyable, and you could definitely argue that the reindeer are suffering during this process. Due to these inhuman conditions, it’s definitely animal cruelty, but there’s still more.
Santa is also breaking labor laws. You see, Santa gives presents away and asks for nothing in return except that you are good. These charitable traits don’t make Santa any money, but he does have employees. These employees are the elves of course, but if Santa isn’t getting paid they definitely aren’t and that’s pretty obviously illegal.
So, with all these crimes, what would be the punishment for his actions? “Death by guillotine,” is what Amon Alderson, an 8th grader in Media Arts suggests, but it may not matter. With Santa’s operations taking place in the North Pole he may be able to get away with some things since, according to the Washington Post, the North Pole is considered international waters.
Due to this, it’s a lot harder to arrest Kris Kringle. He may also be bribing officers of the law with presents, seeing as he’s gotten away with this for so long. So the likelihood you could actually arrest him is slim. But if you were to arrest him, his nine counts of animal cruelty per year since the start of Christmas in 1688 would already be enough to put him away for a long time. Regardless of whether he’s convicted or not, he’s definitely a criminal.
But first, allow us to talk about how he gives you your presents. As most know, Santa leaves gifts inside the homes he visits, but how he enters those homes is far more mysterious. Could it be trespassing perhaps?
Well, according to the Kann California Law Group, to be convicted of trespassing, the prosecutor must prove the following beyond a reasonable doubt: you entered the property willingly, you entered without consent, stayed without consent, and remained until removal.
Now, Santa definitely willfully enters the houses he visits, but the tradition of sending letters to Santa saves the jolly fellow here. This tradition usually involves wishing for things, according to The United States Postal Office. Most of these wishes require Santa to enter the homes of the people wishing. This essentially gives the criminal scum consent to enter their properties, making it legal.
Though even for people who don’t send letters to Santa, he can’t be arrested for trespassing. This due to the fact that he leaves and doesn’t remain until removal. That makes it double legal, but Santa isn’t in the clear yet.
To get to all those houses and homes Santa has to go through lots of countries, countries that your pal Santa is entering without showing a passport or visa. You may argue that he does show a passport and a visa; you just don’t see it. But if that were true, there’s no way he could deliver so many presents in just one night. With the average wait time for going through international customs being 17 minutes and 53 seconds according to Upgreded Points, that would be just over 58 hours in customs, which is more than the one night Santa has, if you didn’t know.
You might also say some other excuse like, “he doesn’t need a passport or visa,” since you love Santa, and don’t believe him to be a criminal but you’re wrong. United Airlines, Blade, and US Customs and Border Protection all say it, explaining that you have to show a passport and/or visa when entering a country, no matter what. Don’t worry though that’s not the only crime the jolly “saint” has committed.
St. Nicholas is also guilty of animal cruelty. That’s right the conditions those reindeers are under are very illegal. “Considering that the surface of the Earth extends over 510.1 million square kilometers, Santa must travel at a speed of 16,451,612 kilometers per hour to cover every last corner of the world in the 31 hours at his disposal,” says Aero Time. That’s about 10,222,558 miles an hour or about Mach 15,489 or 15,489 times the speed of sound! Considering that the New York Times has evidence that TOPGUN pilots going just Mach 10 experience brain damage, just think of how messed up those reindeer’s heads are.
Now according to the Kann California Law Group, to be convicted of animal cruelty, “the prosecution must prove the following beyond a reasonable doubt: You carried any domestic animal, or caused an animal to be carried, in a vehicle in a cruel or inhumane manner or you permitted an animal to be subjected to unnecessary torture, suffering, or cruelty.” With all nine reindeer having to travel at such high speeds for 31 hours straight, it can’t be enjoyable, and you could definitely argue that the reindeer are suffering during this process. Due to these inhuman conditions, it’s definitely animal cruelty, but there’s still more.
Santa is also breaking labor laws. You see, Santa gives presents away and asks for nothing in return except that you are good. These charitable traits don’t make Santa any money, but he does have employees. These employees are the elves of course, but if Santa isn’t getting paid they definitely aren’t and that’s pretty obviously illegal.
So, with all these crimes, what would be the punishment for his actions? “Death by guillotine,” is what Amon Alderson, an 8th grader in Media Arts suggests, but it may not matter. With Santa’s operations taking place in the North Pole he may be able to get away with some things since, according to the Washington Post, the North Pole is considered international waters.
Due to this, it’s a lot harder to arrest Kris Kringle. He may also be bribing officers of the law with presents, seeing as he’s gotten away with this for so long. So the likelihood you could actually arrest him is slim. But if you were to arrest him, his nine counts of animal cruelty per year since the start of Christmas in 1688 would already be enough to put him away for a long time. Regardless of whether he’s convicted or not, he’s definitely a criminal.